It was a Tuesday.
The charts were bleeding.
My bags were heavy.
So I did what any rational degen would do: I lit a candle, grabbed a Ouija board, and tried to contact Satoshi Nakamoto.
You may call it desperate.
I call it decentralized spiritualism.
The Ritual of Cold Wallet Conjuring
They say never share your seed phrase.
But no one said you couldn’t chant it into the void.
I prepared my offering:
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One burned whitepaper (Dogecoin, naturally)
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A USB drive soaked in Yerba Mate
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A printed chart of BTC dominance drawn in blood (ketchup)
I placed my ledger wallet in the center of the board and whispered:
"Satoshi… if you're out there… send a sign. Or at least a bullish reversal."
The planchette twitched.
The First Message from the Other Chain
At first, nothing.
Then, slowly… the board spelled:
H-O-D-L
Of course. Classic Satoshi.
But I wanted more. Insight. Guidance. Maybe an altcoin tip.
So I asked:
“Which coin will survive the next cycle?”
The planchette moved faster now:
N-O-T Y-O-U-R-S
Cryptic. Brutal. On-brand.
Questions from the Beyond
I pushed forward.
Q: “Do you still walk among us?”
A: N-O-D-E-S A-R-E M-Y B-O-D-Y
Q: “What about the lost coins?”
A: P-S-Y-C-H-O-L-O-G-I-C-A-L-L-Y S-C-A-R-E-D
Q: “Can I make it if I just hold $KISHU for 7 years?”
A: [The candle extinguishes itself.]
The Medium is the Message (and the Gas Fee)
I invited some friends to help decode the spirit-chain.
One guy was convinced the board was spelling "SHIBETH2X"
Another swore Satoshi was telling him to stake his house.
We tried connecting a wallet to the board.
Nothing happened, except a minor fire and my cat became a validator.
(He now runs a Cosmos node.)
What I Learned Trying to Contact Satoshi
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The dead don’t do tech support.
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Even spectral Satoshi hates influencers.
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Ghosts can’t rug you, but they can recommend rugpulls.
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Planchettes do not confirm transactions.
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You’re the oracle. Satoshi’s just the node you scream at.
🔮 Questions to Ask the Blockchain Beyond
If you ever find yourself with a Ouija board and a burning desire for crypto wisdom, here are some essential spirit-chain questions to ask:
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“Will Bitcoin hit $120k or just hit me emotionally again?”
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“What was in the original Satoshi roadmap? Be honest.”
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“Is staking a sin?”
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“What stablecoin will survive the next monetary exorcism?”
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“Should I sell or just cry harder?”
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“Are you Vitalik in disguise?”
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“Is the memecoin I bought at 4 a.m. my destiny or my downfall?”
If the board spells “T-R-E-A-S-U-R-Y B-I-L-L-S,” end the session immediately.
🪦 Spirit Chain Seance Setup (Approved by 4 out of 5 Degens)
How to summon crypto spirits properly:
Ingredients:
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1 vintage hardware wallet (preferably cursed)
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3 candles made from melted gas fee receipts
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1 Ouija board, upgraded with QR code
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1 LP token staked under the full moon
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Lo-fi beats playing in the background
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A dev who disappeared mysteriously in 2020 (optional but preferred)
Safety tips:
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Never summon while trading on leverage
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Don’t say “Satoshi” three times in front of a cold wallet
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Burn a meme coin for protection
👻 How to Tell if You’re Possessed by a Ghost Protocol
Symptoms include:
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You refer to failed projects as “spiritually undervalued”
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Your wallet signs transactions in its sleep
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You keep refreshing Etherscan, even though you know better
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You feel compelled to launch a DAO for your pets
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You start hearing token tickers in white noise
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You wake up at 3:33 AM whispering: “Rebase me, daddy.”
If this happens: clear your cache, rotate your keys, and consult your local multisig priest.
Final Thoughts from the Afterchain
Did I reach the real Satoshi?
Who’s to say.
The board did spell out “W-R-O-N-G-C-H-A-I-N” at one point, so maybe he’s on Arbitrum now.
Or maybe we’ve all been possessed by the spirit of decentralization this whole time.
Either way, I’ll keep trying.
Next week I’m hosting a séance with an AI prompt, a black mirror, and a laser-eyed Pepe candle.
If that doesn’t work, I’m going to just buy more $KISHU and wait for the next alignment.
Goblin Wisdom:
“Never trust a medium who charges gas fees.”
