Fear and Loathing in Cryptospace: A Trip Through the Decentralized Abyss (Crypto Satire)

By Crypto Goblin | A.B. Goblings Crypto and Dividends | 13 Jun 2025

We were somewhere around Arbitrum when the gas began to take hold.

My MetaMask blinked.
The charts screamed.
The lizard I’d been arguing with about liquidity pools was gone, replaced by a DAO vote titled "Activate Quantum Fork?"
I clicked yes. I always click yes. I fear no soft fork.

The Acid Testnet

It started innocently—just a small token buy on a coin called $WEIRDGAS.
Low cap. High promise. No roadmap. My kind of play.

But then I joined the Telegram.

Within seconds, I was greeted by an admin named “BoneDealer69” who offered me a whitelist spot, a cursed airdrop, and a jpeg of his knees.

By the time I realized it was all bait, I was already deep in the Acid Testnet.
Transactions confirmed before I made them.
Gas fees calculated in screams per second.
I tried bridging out, but the bridge wallet only said:

“You’re not stuck. You’re staked.”

I Fought a Liquidity Vampire and Lost

In a DEX called “SwampSwap,” I encountered a farm promising 4,000% APR if I just “bonded my soul to the smart contract.”

I signed it with my cold wallet.
It got warm.

That’s when the Liquidity Vampire emerged—half human, half ponzi, full-time dev.

He offered me rebasing tokens and a chance to “harvest spiritual yield.”
I tried to stake my LP, but the site morphed into a mirror and showed me my reflection:
Overleveraged. Undiversified. Wearing goggles.

The NFT Casino

I fled to Solana to clear my head. Big mistake.
I wandered into an NFT casino where the chips were PFPs of depressed hamsters.
Each bet changed my wallet’s entropy.
I won a goblin jpeg with a gold tooth.
It screamed “HODL ME” when I tried to sell.

A squid in a leather vest offered me an option contract.
I think it was on a coin that doesn’t exist anymore.
I signed it anyway.
He winked and disappeared into the mempool.

The Enlightenment of the Rug

In the end, I was rugged by a protocol called ZENDDAO.
The rug wasn’t fast. It was philosophical.
They airdropped me an empty token called $MEANINGLESS with a whitepaper that just said:

“The value was inside you all along.”

It was then I understood.
Not all liquidity is meant to be withdrawn.
Not every coin needs utility.
Sometimes, you just need a little madness to see the signal in the noise.

🧳What to Pack for a Trip to Cryptospace

1x Cold Wallet – Preferably steel-plated and cursed by a priest of multisig.
2x Burner Wallets – You will sign something you shouldn’t. Prepare to abandon ship.
Ether Snacks – Gas fees may trap you in purgatory. Bring snacks. And maybe a knife.
Goblin Repellent – Doesn't work, but it makes you feel better.
Legal Pad and Sharpie – For writing down seed phrases under extreme psychedelic distress.
Stablecoin Emergency Flask – When the market crashes, take a swig of $USDT and lie down.

Optional:

DAO membership patch
Magic 8-Ball for governance votes
Lucky JPEG

🧠Symptoms of Smart Contract Hallucinations

You may be hallucinating a smart contract if:

You think staking a rock jpeg will fund your retirement.
You feel a personal relationship forming with your LP token.
You hear the smart contract whispering, “Sign me…sign me…” at night.
You believe the DeFi dashboard is “winking” at you when APRs go up.
You start calling Vitalik “Father.”
You try to explain impermanent loss to a squirrel.

If symptoms persist, disconnect your wallet, eat a banana, and go outside.
If they intensify, you’ve achieved enlightenment.
Proceed to deploy your own token.

👁‍🗨Real Quotes from Protocols That Rugged Me

Collected from the final moments before loss:

“This was never about the money.” – $COSMICYIELD
“We didn’t fail. You failed to believe.” – $MOONILLUSION
“The roadmap is a metaphor.” – $VIBECHAIN
“APR was real in our hearts.” – $FRIENDSHIP
“Rug? No. We ascended.” – $DISAPPEARFI
“You knew what this was.” – MetaMask confirmation screen

These aren’t bugs. They’re truths.