I have not posted here in some time. I haven't felt like it because I'm feeling a bit unmotivated and overwhelmed. The diet is going meh...I'm holding where I was when I started. My doctor is okay with where I am, I think. I am not. I'm dealing with other s*&t so exercise and dieting are sort of on the back burner.  

Last Thanksgiving, I stupidly decided I could pick up and carry any dish in one hand, no matter how much it weighed. I was wrong. I injured my wrist. I lifted up a heavy platter with my left (non-dominant) hand underneath it and the weight of the platter put too much strain on my wrist. I thought I'd sprained it. I started to wear a wrist brace at night to keep from moving it. It didn't hurt unless I moved my wrist the wrong way or tried to pick up something the wrong way with the wrong hand position. I woke myself up at night a few times pulling on covers or a pillow.  The pain woke me from a sound sleep so that's why I wore the brace.  I figured I'd give my wrist some time, and it would heal. Meanwhile, we were still dealing with my husband's broken heel surgery, and he wasn't weight bearing on that foot until a few days before Christmas. And his surgical wound has still not fully closed up, either. So, my wrist problem was basically an annoyance I assumed would heal over time.

As all this was going on, I started researching some things about children's behaviors, because of some things I was told about my grandchildren, and became pre-occupied with that.  I stopped going to the gym because I felt unmotivated and didn't want to injure my wrist any further by doing something wrong at the gym.  I had started doing yoga before Thanksgiving to help with my stress levels and have continued that. It's more of a stretching/little bit of yoga/meditation class which suits me just fine and has helped and continues to help me with my stress.  The instructor is very conscious of my wrist issue and knee limitations and tailors the class so that I can freely participate.

New Year's came and went, and my wrist got a little better but not that much. I was seeing my primary care doctor in March and told myself, if it didn't get better by then, I'd mention it to her.   I finally decided I had to get back to the gym, and work around my wrist. It was such a big effort. I didn't and still don't want to go to the gym.  I ended up forcing myself to go a few times a week and changed my entire routine to a solitary free weight/resistance band/body weight workout in a room by myself. It was working really well for me but getting myself to the gym twice a week took a huge mental effort.  While I was struggling with this, my 'research rabbit hole' with respect to my grandchildren lead me on an interesting side trip. 

I started reading about ADHD and watched a few video clips and discussions about it.  I was thinking maybe one of my grandchildren was prone to it and wondering if that was an issue now or going to become one. Both my own children were diagnosed as borderline ADD when they were kids, and we really didn't do anything with that information, since no one was pushing medication. Both were academically successful and didn't have behavior issues in school.  We had been going to family therapy due to some of my childhood baggage that was impacting my marriage and family, which is how my kids got diagnosed.

What I didn't know was that ADD was hereditary. So... where did it come from? I really didn't have to ask that question because I'm 100% sure that my father, who never graduated high school, who was a smart guy but couldn't sit still for five minutes unless he was sleeping or having a drink with someone, had it, which meant it probably came from me.  

I thought about this hereditary thing a lot. I finally had to ask myself:  "I wonder if this is why my brain always feels 'tired'? 

I always attributed my brain "fatigue" to motherhood when I was younger, my career as a CPA when I was older, but now I'm retired, my children are launched and successfully functioning adults, and I still feel that brain fatigue. How come? Down the rabbit hole I went. I started watching videos about ADHD and learned that adult women are the largest undiagnosed population and were often misdiagnosed as having anxiety or depression. Back in my 30s, I took medication for depression for a period of time and then went off the medication it because I felt like it really didn't help that much, and the side effects of the medication were not worth it (racing mind... trouble sleeping).  Then I started watching videos where women spoke about their symptoms and behaviors and thought to myself that I do many of those things. After a month of going down all these rabbit holes, I told my husband I was going to bring all this up with my doctor.

Because here is the thing. When you go on an amazing bicycle trip across five countries (see my other blog) and you can't bring yourself to do any research on any of the places you are visiting to see what you might want to visit or see while you are there?  Something is wrong..... That realization really made me sad.  It's been a year since that trip, and I've only just recently realized this.  

I realized that I would be wasting my retirement years if I didn't at least try to fix this. How many opportunities would I miss because of this? I was determined at that point I would not miss any more, if I could help it.

I never really understood exactly what ADD/ADHD is about until recently, because I never needed to know, or so I thought.

This is my simplistic understanding about ADD/ADHD:  People with ADD/ADHD have different brain chemistry that, most notably, lacks normal levels of dopamine, that brain chemical that makes us feel good.  So, a person with ADD/ADHD struggles with focus to perform certain tasks and exhibits certain behaviors. They will choose to do things and perform tasks that create a dopamine release, because their brain needs it. Normal people will perform tasks usually by order of importance. People with ADD/ADHD will perform tasks by order of interest, i.e. how interesting it is. They can totally focus like a laser if something has caught their interest but can't stay focused on other less interesting tasks. I don't mind washing dishes (never the same dishes or the same task) but hate folding the laundry. The laundry will sit in a basket for days, but I can't ever leave dirty dishes overnight in the sink to do the next day. It's weird... I know... People with ADD/ADHD tend to interrupt other people when they talk. I never knew how much I did this until I started paying attention to it. It's compulsive and I truly have to bite my tongue to not do it and be on guard about it. If I'm relaxed and not thinking about it, it happens.  Another interesting thing about people with ADD/ADHD is that their brains react differently to stimulants. They actually help the brain chemistry of someone with ADD/ADHD. It struck me that I drink two to three cups of coffee in the morning and at lunch time switch to drinking tea and continue that through the afternoon to dinner and bedtime and don't seem to have sleep problems because of it. 

Fun fact:  People with ADD/ADHD often struggle with weight issues. I have been my whole life. Food can create a dopamine hit, too.....

So, in preparation for my doctor's appointment, because I knew she would discount my symptoms, I prepared a speech about this to give her, trying to make the most important points about my research, my symptoms and behaviors. 

It was a great doctor's visit. She said she thinks my wrist is an injured tendon (but after 10 days of prescription NSAIDs not eliminating the problem, I've been referred to a hand specialist).  She listened to my ADD/ADHD speech and totally agreed with me that I should be tested and referred me to a psychologist to be officially tested. I was really expecting an eye roll and condescension. I got neither.  This is why I love my doctor.

I met with the psychologist, who assured me he would have a diagnosis for me, whether it was ADD or something else, like anxiety or depression. So, what was the testing like? Well, I had to fill out some standard surveys about how I felt and my behaviors and do a computerized test. The computerized test was simple. Letters would flash up on a screen and I was to hit the space bar for every letter except "X".  Simple, right? I sucked at it. I kept hitting the space bar when I shouldn't have and didn't hit it a few times when I should. The letters popped up at different speeds, unpredictably. It was absurdly frustrating because it was such an easy task.

Last week I got the results of my test, and I am not depressed, nor do I have anxiety, which was good to hear. I do have ADD along with some frustration and aggravation about coping with it, though, which was not a surprise, given everything I knew going into that appointment. 

Now I get to talk to my doctor about what is next. I don't want to take stimulants, even though they are the most effective treatment. I'm going to try something else first.   I'm already taking all the natural supplements I should be taking for ADD and I've noticed minute changes but nothing major. 

So, why am I blogging about this? Because I have something interesting to write about that motivates me.  Because I have spent 30 years struggling with something that I could have gotten help with and maybe avoided a host of medical issues. Because, just maybe, I don't want you wait like I did.....

Photo courtesy of Katrin Bolovtsova