I used to get frustrated when my mother stopped going all out for the holidays with lots of decorations, homemade treats, and an enthusiastic demeanor. I wanted to be able to bring my kids to her house and enjoy Christmas the way she and my dad did it. I couldn't understand (25 years ago) why, as she was older and retired, it seemed like a huge effort on her part to get ready for Christmas when she always did it effortlessly for us kids.

I also didn't understand how on earth anyone could be sad at Christmas. It is supposedly "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year......."

At 60+ years old, I now understand my mom. 

It is a little hard putting up decorations because I know the days where we get to experience a child's daily excitement for the holidays are over with. We do not have small children in our lives on a daily basis. I miss that look of awe when the lights go on or the moving decorations do their thing. Those looks of wonder from a child are no more.  We might get a small glimpse of that awe when the grandkids come to visit for the Christmas overnight visit, but there are way too many distractions during the visit to really enjoy my grandchildren's awe with whatever I have put up for decorations.  They are here so briefly that we spend a lot of time doing stuff together and talking, which is far more important. The sparkle of the silent, holiday magic moment seems to get lost. 

I have a lot of Christmas tree decorations that have meaning and putting them up makes me a little emotional. My daughter is in her 30s, but I still have the little toilet roll and coffee filter angel decoration with a picture of her three-year-old face on it. Another decoration with a picture of my six-year-old son's face on a little toy drum. The dried-up hot pepper that was painted to look like Santa that one of them made. And the famous wreath made with dried pasta shapes, spray painted gold, with a picture of my seven-year-old son in the middle. All lovingly made, and still hanging on my tree, along with decorations commemorating numerous family vacations, bucket list places we've visited and the seven bicycle tours we've taken over the years.  We also have a memorial ornament for my husband's dad, who passed almost 20 years ago.   Our ornament tree is laden with memories, and only a little bling....

Our kids are grown and have their own households with their own traditions.  My son and his family live two hours away and they are adamant that they spend Christmas eve and Christmas day in their own home, so our celebrations have had to shift to accommodate their wishes once they had children. My daughter and her boyfriend live halfway across the country from us and are not always able to fly out for Christmas. The one big joy this holiday will be having all my children and grandchildren here this year. We will also be having a celebration dinner, with just our family, at my son's, before our big extended family Christmas gathering.   I'm guessing I'm going to get emotional during that dinner.

I never thought that Christmas would bring about these feelings of.... sadness? Wistfulness? Wishing to turn back the clock?  I'm usually a very upbeat person so this is hard for me. I was always the enthusiastic holiday decorator both as a child, and as a parent of small children. I loved getting into the holiday spirit.  The hustle and bustle of it all energized me. Today, I feel like a bystander watching it all happen around me as I move at a mind-numbing slow pace to get ready for the holidays. 

I'm not going to talk about all the goodies that are around for the holiday. Last night I wanted chocolate in the worst way. And I wasn't even hungry. It's like there is this holiday compulsion to eat holiday junk food. I'm fighting it but it's hard. I'm sure it's because I feel a bit off, and food can be my comforting friend. Yes, it's a bad friend in this instance. Luckily, I put all the chocolate in the garage freezer so it would really take a conscious effort, doing the walk of shame (which my husband doesn't seem to mind doing), to eat a piece of chocolate.  I know after the sweetness on my tongue is gone, I would feel worse. I ate a few peanut butter pretzels instead. See? I'm not perfect on this diet either! 

Okay, I've probably depressed 3/4ths of you at this point. That was not my intention, really.  I'm having one of my more 'contemplative' days today.

I'm hoping that reading my post might help those who don't understand why holidays can be hard for some people and how not everyone is "happy, happy, joy, joy" all season long.  Why, as we get older, it gets harder, both physically and emotionally, to do what we used to do.  And because this is a blog about losing weight, why it's such a struggle to stay on a weight loss plan during the holiday. 

As I look around at my ornament tree full of memories, the white ceramic Christmas tree my grandmother made (probably 50 years ago) with the bulb inside that illuminates all the plastic bulbs on the branches, and the ancient Santa blow mold with the bulb inside that I remember from when I was five-years-old, I have plenty of wonderful Christmas memories to sustain me, because of the people in my life. 

I'm really nostalgic about the experiences I've had with the people in my life at the holidays, rather than the holidays themselves.  

I hope you are able to take advantage of opportunities to be with friends, family and/or found family. 

If you are at the same place in life as we are, please know that you have company with your struggles. Look forward, not back, and make those family times the best time that you can. That's what I am doing these days. 

If you are a parent of small children and still handling the holidays like an F1 racecar driver, then good for you! I applaud your energy and dedication! I hope you and your family have an awesome holiday.  I hope you can understand why your parents and grandparents (if they are still with you), may not be able to do now what they used to do for you during the holidays.  I hope you enjoy these moments with your kids because memories of these times will sustain you later when they have flown the nest. 

My wish is that you are not alone this holiday season.  I know there is/are someone/somebodies out there who would welcome you for the holiday.  

If you don't celebrate a holiday at this time of year, I hope the rest of your year is blessed with good things for you and your loved ones.