30 minutes. Let's go. 

I should maybe talk a little bit about those 4 years that I started to 'live a different' life. You might have asked yourself, what exactly that means. Well, I will try my best. I listen to very interesting music, which there is always a link to at the bottom. Today, it is turkish, I think. YOutube told me to listen to this. Anyways, so about 4 years ago, after so many times of trying to fight against this feeling I had within me, I finally decided, to go for it. I left my at the time girlfriend. After I left already my home and my job. It was one of the last things that seemed to have been holding me in my old world, in sanity. It seems. Up until here it has been a struggle already, for years. Maybe I started this trip about 8 years ago. Since 2014 I have not have had a regular job, nor a base. I actually haven't really worked 100 % or regularely for 6 months. But in 2014 things happened, that made me realize, very clearly, how my life was unfolding in front of me. I had a vision of me down the road some 30 years from now, and I didnt like that idea. I had a job, I just finished my studies, I had a working relationship. And then life put me in a situation, where I knew, I could go that way, with safety, a clear and prosperous life, or the other way, with uncertainty, no clear vision, no goal. I chose the second one. I didn't know, and yes, I was scared. But the other one, I felt, I could also just die, if I decided to go that way. Why, I did not know. But so it lead to me taking a year off, which I used to travel, which lead to many realizations personally, which lead to me leaving my girlfriend and never being able to returning back to a normal life. Soon, I had to leave again and seek for more answers for questions I had. I was looking for myself it seemed, and the more I tried to find me, the more I realized how little I really knew about me. Most of what I thought was me, were but stories others made about and around me. Talented, nice, kind, smart, difficult to understand, funny, odd, strange, in his own way of succeeding, and so on. But was that me, when I was alone on a rock in Australia, when no one was around verifying these parts? Who was I, when no one is around? I had to experience that, when I was on my own, I was not much at all. I was mostly incapable of taking a decision, I was overwhelmed with only myself because I had no one to rely on, to hate, to fight. I had only me and I did not like that company. What a realization that was. I was lost. And every time I left to find me, I found more realizations and illusions, and when I would try to go back home, back to my old normal life, it felt even more empty that it did before. Friends became strangers, formal joys became meaningless. So I ended up in a third world country, that I came to visit due to a dream I had. I was tired of searching, tired of asking, tired of seeking. I was tired of help, guidance, answers. I was tired of traveling, tired of going home. I remember one night I was sitting on a shore of a lake and I felt as if I fell down a hole. I kept falling and never shall I reach a bottom, I thought. Sitting there and envisioning me falling into an endless hole, I encountered some strange feelings. A lot of pain, a lot of fear, but a weird new feeling of absolute calm. As if I had given in to the fact that searching for an answer will only lead to more questions, seeking for guidance will only lead to more confusion and seeking for meaning would only lead to more illusions being scattered. I fell for a while but the longer I kept falling, the more I started to enjoy it. Because here I was, falling. And I had nothing else to do but just witness this fall. I was conscious, that was all. I had no more question, no more fear, no more hatred. I was calm whilst falling into the endless black nothingness. 

When coming back, I tried to go back to my old life with my ex here in this country. But it was but a year of constant pain, remembering me that if I only chose, I could leave and go, where my heart told me, I should go. I finally gave in. I left, after a year. It was too much pain to carry anymore. I packed a backpack of things, I left everything else behind. My relationships, my job, my old life. I had to be serious about this. I knew there has not been a way back since years. I have tried in so many ways, with so many things, but there would not be a way back. And in this moment, I seem to have accepted it. The 'losses' I now accepted. 

And so the new life begun. I now lived in a strangers house, with a backpack and a little matrass on the floor. My new friends were a former US marine, a wise but hurt doctor and a pothead. We had little income and basically lived off of my savings. We wouldn't do much during the day other than studying, resting, existing. I thought I knew emptiness, meaningless existence. But up until now I never just sat with it and didn't do anything with it. Up until now I never just let that be. Months passed with me really wondering how I got here. I got angry, mad, sad, tired, angry, scared, frustrated, then happy, then motivated about things, disappointed, sad again, some more anger, and on went the show. We sat there. Until the time came and we had to leave. 

You might think things of what I try to explain here. I can not forsee it, nor will I judge it. Because you will have interpretations based on your concepts of life about lines I wrote, that  try to explain what I experienced. It will never be complete nor will anything be right or wrong. It is my life story that I experienced for reasons. And for other reasons you are here, reading. My new life started here and for a while it was but a continuum of cycles of me being upset about something, feeling sorry for myself, then giving in and leaving the circle, which led to me feeling connected to the world, surrender to it and the consequences, only to start over again. I had to undo myself, layer after layer, dig into my very being and take out rotten roots and burnt ashes, turn over the place, clean up, or in other words, get real. I would have a long way to go, but at least I was here. I felt like this was where I belonged, even if I felt so left out, lost and meaningless. I was at least where I felt I had to be. And for a long time I didn't like it. But as I knew going back would be but trying to go back into an illusion that no longer exists, like I left a burnt house walking through the night to find shelter, I wished so bad that the house would still be there and I could go back and sleep and rest there, I knew it would be but a dream as the fire burnt it. 

Thank you. See you tomorrow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIMKJ43TFLs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3uhsPEPfrk