You might not always want to do things you are supposed to do. And I don't know how it is for you to deal with this, but for me personally it can be quite a task to deal with myself in those moments. Like that 'being in the moment' and 'letting go' or 'leave your past and your poor me' stuff I was talking about earlier. It is really not that easy and very unique in every single person and their specific moment. Like little demons we all fight at times as they are nagging in us and torture us mentally. In the last four years, since I left my old life behind, I had oh so plenty of moments that were filled with little nagging demons on my shoulder, digging themselves in a hole of darkness with me in it. And would I try to fight them, oh they showed me teeth and fire, they were not really nice, no. They made me hate my friends, the things I really loved, music, myself, sometimes even life. And I could go on and on about them, but that is not the point. It is much more interesting to learn about tools that can help you deal with them, love them and defeat them. It will feel as if you will defeat yourself at times, as the desicion to take might not make sense at all, so says the brain. I remember one day, when I was walking on the beach with two of my friends where I just hated them. I felt so alone, left out and mistreated for meaninglittle (trying out a new word here) things, but I coulnd't handle it. That is how I could describe it. I collected shells and pretended to be ok, and would show the cold shoulder to my friend when he tried to talk to me, and when he decided to leave me alone, I would feel shitty but also be angry because I would no longer get his attention. I knew it was horse crap, my whole performance. I must have picked it up somewhere in my childhood. I knew it doesnt make sense and there would be only one way out of this: I would have to let it go and make a conscious choice about it: do I want to be righteous and miserable for no real reason or do I want to change it and decide to be pro active about it? I remember it so clear - it is amazing! I knew, there is no way out of it other than surrendering to the fact that I can't have it 'my way', whatever that meant after all. I had tears and I told my friend about it. He didn't say much. I felt so left alone, so sorry for him but also myself. I felt shit. The waves sucked, the shells were meaningless, the heat, ah.. I felt like dying. And then I took all the force I had and shifted it as good as I could: It is a nice day, I will enjoy a cold ice tea, they are my friends, it is all good. I decided to no longer listen to this story that didn't get me anywhere but deeper in a whole of old patterns that I knew for so long. I took all my power and jumped out of the viscious circle. I went to my friend, I apologized. He was ok. It was so hard and I felt it literally how my whole body disagreed and preferred to die rather than give in and no longer have a reason to be a victim and get attention. But I did it anyways. Shivers, pain in my head as if it would explode. And I surrendered. I gave in. I left my story, a part of me died right there. I gave myself a hug and said 'you deserve better than this. Let it go, I still love you, even if no one else does'. I forgave myself for my mean side. I loved myself through my mental torture and little death. 

The ice tea was awesome. the day after that also. I felt fresh. Tired, but fresh. Lighter. And many of those moments I remember. They might sound really hard and dark, but their transformational powers are amazing! It is when you really start to realize that you should no longer play the victim and become pro active, become self empowered in a true and genderless sense, without a sense of righteousness or victimhood, complaint or accuse, that you will find your potential. When you can jump out of cycles and accept about life what you try to deny is when you get a step closer to freedom. 

I wonder, what we are looking for in people, things, moments. What is it, we think we lack all the time? Today, I thought it was time. I lacked time for myself. My friend is sick and needed my help. Another friend needed my advise and guidance. And I wanted to lay down and write these lines. I didn't eat that until now, I was hungry. So I lied there and didn't want to move. I wanted all to go away and sleep. And for some minutes I lied like that, not doing anything with it, nor fighting it. I just left me and the moment like it was, right there. Then, I told myself: look, it won't really change. The only thing you can change, is you attitude towards it. So I became pro active. I got up, told myself it will be fun to help my friend, and I forgot my charade. It was all good and I had forgotten about my hunger. His wife cooked and I had dinner after the 'work' and it was delicious. 

I don't know if my words make sense, but that moment I knew that this is what I had to write down. that little victory of my little bitch, the part of me that is lazy, mean, doesn't want to help people. I loved it and didn't fight it, and it became my friend. But I had to be clear about that it is not ruling me either, but I respect it. 

Doing this is way harder than writing these lines. But it is possible. You know it, I do. Find it out, if you haven't yet. The way of love is better than fighting yourself. I am almost done with my 30 minutes and I don't know if I could say what I felt. But if it did make sense or help you in some form, what a success! Keep doing the work. Keep being patient, loving and caring with your dark side, as it is just a side lacking love and care. Do you dare to be the one that is there for you, when no one is? Do you dare giving yourself the strength and the support, when you need it? It will become easier and eventually will lead to you having better relationships with yourself, other, life. It is not easy and it will feel wrong many times, but it is the only way out. You have to go through you. 

Someone once wrote a book about shadow work. It is amazing. Go read it, if you feel like it. 

Be loved.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVnF3x44rvU