I was talking about the example of my first love when talking about my trials of dealing with life. We all try our best in the ways we can. Shaped by our past experiences and our parents and their parents parents story, our surroundings and some might even include past lifes, we come to be the consciousness we are at the very moment. Here, to ever grow even further, bigger, and wiser. And no way leads around the things and moments we wish to avoid, because just right there it is where we learn the most. Or as one once said, it is the pressure that makes a diamond out of charcoal. The pressure helps us transform, enhance, improve, change. And even when it is just too much to bear, is, when we make our biggest leaps. So just to finish the story about my little first love story there, well, all my doings ended in just a greater pain at the end of the route, when there was no other way to turn anymore. She left me for the very reasons I hoped to be able to avoid, my biggest fear became reality and it ate me for lunch. It threw me into a whirl of darkness and turmoil, where I would be trapped in a circle of reoccurring thoughts, feelings and actions. I was in shock. maybe even a little traumatized. And it took me years to fully recover. First, I went through shock and denial, I simply could not believe it. Later, it became hate, mixed with sadness and a cluster of weird actions that made me even sader. Denial again, hatred. And then a lot of hate. For her, for life, and for myself. And along the way I was always looking for her recognition of my feelings, my view of things. And eventually I would give up - which was when I would get attention - only to hope again, before being hurt again. So it kept going on. Years passed, new relationships failed and old patterns reoccurred various times. But there would come a day where things would be different. I tried to be different so many times, only to look into a face questioning myself when looking into the mirror, asking: who exactly was that and when do you start to be yourself?

But there came that day. My friends birthday, 8 years after the relationship ended, after many years of struggles and a year long travel. It was raining and cold, but I was in a good mood. And while I enjoyed my beer, she stood in front of me, with one of her new boyfriends. I felt a shock going through my body and my knees got weak. I inhaled and thought of my travels, my fights, my doubts. And found myself. We talked. She wanted to know about my situation. And in that very moment something that I searched for so long just happened without me forcing anything. I became very calm and heard myself say: there is nothing I have to do here anymore. I need no answer, no attention, no poor me. I loved her, it went wrong, it hurt and it might always stay like this. That is the truth. And nothing needs to be added. In that very instant I could, for the first time in my life, talk calmly to her and felt good. I just felt ok with it, with me, because I didn't need anything anymore. I came to learn that my poor me would never stop telling me I was mistreated and she would have to give me credit. I did not need recognition no more. I just accepted the truth and whether anything was wrong or mean, it didn't matter because nothing would change how I felt and suffered. I could only change how I stand towards that fact. And accepting it and surrender to the pain was the most peaceful and liberating way. 

It was one of the first classes for me to come to understand that things happen in life and that is ok. As long as we try to change that and wonder as to why it happened and expect someone to recognize our viewpoint and give us credit, we will stay in the same place and suffer. It is only when we can truly accept that it was and we do not need to have anything be different, we liberate ourselves. Like someone once said: If you can change something: change it. If not, accept it. And even thought it might sound so easy, I had to go through years of tears and missed opportunities of joy and bliss, while I was drowning in my own misery, in order to get to the point of being so done with it, that I could accept it. Fully. All of it. Every little thing of it. WIthout anyone having to come and say: I am so sorry to hear or anything else the like. I had to be just ok with all of it, even if no one would even remember, including her. It is then that I found myself where I could say: Yes, I might have suffered and made mistake. And now I am happy. Because through all of that I gained my best friend: me. And I don't want to put me through torture.  

And I can write this down but it will never fully explain how it felt. I can not find the words nor can I make people comprehend it if they haven't somehow experienced something the like. But what I can try is, to say that situations like this happen for a reason. It can not be understood when we are in a turmoil of emotions and pain. But once we come out of it, we can understand it - and it will make a lot of sense. And we all came here to experience certain situations and emotions, so we learn. It will lead to more liberation. And it will hurt at times. But you might come out happier than you could ever have been before. Because every of those situations will lead you to detach, to let go, as everything we hold on to - it might soon vanish into dust, leaving us with shattered illusions. Now it might sound dark, but it really isn't. Buddha said: as long as we hold on, we suffer. Once we let go of life itself and our cravings, our fears, our hopes, we will be truly free. I have two minutes left to finish this. Life is wonderful. It is full of misteries and miracles and I want to focus on them soon. I had to go through these painful moments in order to experience the miracles. Every source of light will cause a shadow. And no shadow can exist without light. Nothing is just good or bad. It is just simply to be experienced. And that we do not get taught at school. But life as a school does not really care about that.

See you tomorrow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izOL-zlP3cI