Consider this. What happens when you become emotional? You either want to be left alone and/or protected, or you hope someone gives you an excuse to unload on them, right? Well, that makes sense to a certain degree. But now, imagine your emotions are like sitting in a dingy on a lake. Somewhat stable, but with barely any movement that stability can be challenged. Now, add to that emotional state the challenges and stress of being the only parent in the home, the stigma of being a single parent in a simpler time, and having the need to provide for that child's nourishment and schooling all at the same time. Now, it's like being in a loaded dingy on a choppy lake. Now, what of the rules?

The rules now become subject to the ego of the parent – an emotionally volatile parent. What is considered “breaking the rules”? What isn't considered “breaking the rules”? Now, you have an emotional woman, under the stress of being both parents, stigmatized by the society, and raising a boy without a father in the home to offer stability in a time when stability was respected. The male child has a female role model – and women tend toward tyranny.

So, this child is socialized to have an unstable emotional landscape, with values that include possessiveness and control, and are subject to the whims of the ego, with no example of maturity. What happens? He grows up immature and exhibiting narcissistic traits, and has four children whom he raises in a similar pattern to what he learned in the home. Because he had no father to teach him moderation, one of his four children is bound to become a favorite while another is bound to become the favorite to pick on. What are the consequences of that?

One of his children is William, who has observed the parenting style of a feminine male, and has grown up to have at least two kids of his own – one the favorite, one the favorite to pick on. Along comes my grandfather, and his brother, Bill. Bill grows up to be an alcoholic, a self-sabotaging failure, and a traitor. My grandfather has observed the parenting style of his father, and perpetuates it in his own family with his own four kids – among whom is my father, the favorite, and Doug, the favorite to pick on. Remember Uncle Bill's nervous breakdown? Doug has several, and later commits suicide. My father observes the parenting style of his father, and exhibits – not simply narcissism – but eight out of nine symptoms for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and proceeds to raise two boys of his own, one of whom becomes like emotional nitroglycerin. What of the other? “You're just like your Uncle Doug.” You are the latest iteration of the “favorite to pick on.”

See, I was selected at birth to be the latest iteration of the outcast pathology. As such, whatever Doug's end would turn out to be, that was expected to be my template. Diabetes, depression, anxiety, narcissism, suicide. Why? The answer is somewhat multifaceted, but suffice it to say that most parents just “do” parenting without forethought or deliberation. So, whatever Mommy and Daddy did must be the way things are done. So, if Daddy didn't have a solid sense of self, he likely vilified anyone who did; and if they are evil who have a sense of self, then who am I to be so evil?

I will go deeper into the vilification of the sense of self in a later post. But I want to draw attention to one of the aspects of the role of the father in the lives of children – not just boys, but both boys and girls.

When a father has put thought into his actions as a father, his actions are more likely to be controlled and geared toward the success of the child. I emphasize “success of the child” because the success of the parent is instantiated in the success of the child as a parent. If the child fails as a parent, then the parent failed somewhere during the upbringing. As such, a father who is absent has taught his child nothing, and a father who is abusive has taught his child abuse.

So, let us return to my family for this example. My second great grandfather lived without a father. He learned from a mother, who tried to be his father, how to raise children in a manner that lacks in emotional stability. Without emotional stability, values become viscus and unreliable. Without a reliable value structure, there lacks a true sense of self. Once your path is set by that lack of self, and you do not reach out to another man for guidance, then you pass on that lacking in identity to your children. This is bad enough, but what is the role of the child in this pathological pattern? Tune in next week.