My friend’s 50-years birthday was coming up and with this our little weekend getaway.

I was still so conflicted. I knew that I had fallen for him, and that my feelings just grew stronger for each day with the messages and when we were together. I was racing towards the edge, and I didn’t even know if he was the same place as I.

But at the same time, I was beginning to let go of all the worries. Maybe I should just go with the flow? He was so wonderful and caring and I loved every time I heard from him, or saw him, and I was really falling hard for him. So what that he was younger than me? We were having a wonderful time now, and isn’t that all that matters?

But still …

I drove up to his place, parked and we proceeded in his car the last 1 hour to where the event should be.

The nervousness crept in on me again. For several reasons. First of all, I hadn’t seen these friends for a long time. The woman whose birthday it was, I hadn’t seen for 5 years or so, her husband I had seen a year earlier. The invitation was kind of surprising. Would we be able to pick up where we had left? Besides, the last get-together with her family had included my ex-husband.

Now they would see me, not only with a new boyfriend, but a boyfriend who was much younger than me. What would they say? Probably not much to my face, but would there be glares and whispering? And how would I react on it? Would we look more than mother/son than a couple? And why did this matter to me?

Like I have mentioned before … my brain really goes haywire. I am always overthinking things.

But as it turned out, I had no reason to be nervous for any of this. My old friends were welcoming, I noticed no one staring and the Chef was just his wonderful self. Actually, he was kind of a bastard, because he kept teasing me with discrete touching, when nobody was watching. Enjoying how turned on I got, and how I from time to time had to give in, drag him away from the party and kiss him in a very inappropriately and indecent manner. Maybe he also gave me quick orgasm before we went back to the party at these occasions. ;-)

When it was time to leave, it was directly back to the cabin which I had rented, and we of course went straight to bed because at that point I couldn’t keep my hands of him.

The next day was even more fabulous, we had sex, walked on the beach (where he lend me his jacket because it was a bit cold!), had more sex, cooked together (or mostly him, as I am a disaster in a kitchen and … well, he is a Chef) and had even more sex. I never had so much sex in my entire life, and I just couldn’t get enough of him. He didn’t complain, on the contrary. And we cuddled, talked, laughed and we were in general having a wonderful time.

And then … I did something stupid.

It was late. Evening or night, I don’t remember. This little cabin was our cozy little bubble. Filled with the smell of love making, and overflowing with warmth and happiness and joy and orgasms and …

My heart was bursting.

I looked at him. And I said it.

I said: “I just love you so much right now.” Or something like that. The emotions running amok in this enclosed space, where there was nothing else but us. The world outside was gone. Time was irrelevant. All trivialities were far, far away. There was just us. And pleasure. And love.

For me at least.

He didn’t say it back.

He was probably taken aback with my declaration. And I understood it. It was way, way to early for that kind of feelings.

We had just acknowledged that we were falling for each other and was feeling our way forward in this unusual relationship with all it’s possible obstructions. And there I was, blabbering out with LOVE! We were nowhere near to have those feelings for each other.

Yes, we had known each other for 6 months, but only as FWB’s, and yes, we had spent much time together, but there is a giant leap between falling in love and loving each other. How could we know at that point? There were still many things we didn’t know about each other, and love takes time.

So, I understood why he didn’t say it back. I had been too fast on the trigger, but I couldn’t help myself in that exact moment.

I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. Now I had definitely ruined something potentially good. He would realize that this wasn’t what he wanted. That it was going way too fast, and that I was trying to catch him in some snare, which he at some point would realize that he wouldn’t want to be trapped in.

Neither of us mentioned it the following day, we were still enjoying each other, and I was able to shut the thoughts down, and just enjoy the time we had together, until it was time to drive home.

But when I sat in my own car, driving the last distance to my home, I was hitting myself so hard mentally.

Why had I said that? WHY??

And was this the end? Now he would surely take a step back and asking me to hold back my emotions, because I was coming on too strong. And I would have to reel in and try to close the cracks in my heart, where all this love was pouring out.

But I would if that was the case. Off course I would. I had expected it, hadn’t I? This was the reason that I was holding back because this shouldn’t be. At least he now would realize that it had never been a good idea to go further. And maybe it was for the better.

If that was what he decided, I would of course accept that. And overcome that. But it would hurt. Like hell!

So, I wrote to him. I don’t remember if it was the same day or the day after, apologizing for my outburst. Tried to explain how I was overwhelmed with emotions in that little cabin, where everything was affection, and lust and orgasms and just us. Hoping that he would get the meaning, that I didn’t want to trap him or force him into a relationship, which felt like a dead-end for him.

And then I waited for his reply with a sinking heart. This might be the end, and I was trying to prepare for it. I saw the small dots moving and was holding my breath.

Can I be honest?” he wrote.
“Always,” I replied and waiting a million years while looking at the small dots.
“I love you too.”

BAM!

I could literally feel the emotions bursting out of my heart. I had tried to board up all the cracks, from where the love was seeping out, pushing to my constant doubts, but when I read his text, the pressure from inside just became too big, and my heart overflowed.

He loved me too …

Thumbnail: the actual loveshag, picture stolen from AirBnb