I was still on the sex-dating-site. I think I came back there just about Biker Dude, and I really DO enjoy this site, and it felt almost like coming home, so to speak. It’s kind of a community with blogs, chatrooms and events and it isn’t just a dating site, it has a totally different atmosphere.

As soon as I came back, many of the older acquaintances popped up, people I had written with earlier and even some of them I had been on dates with or actually ended in bed with.

For example, the Caretaker popped up and tried to hit on me. And I asked him, if he remembered that he had lied to me, cancelling our dates and so on and that the sex just was boring in the end, and he DID give me an apology. He said he was in a bad place back then, and I was grateful that he gave the apology, and nothing more. Not going down that road again. And then he (assumably) lied to me again. Saying that he was seeing this girl and showed me a picture. If he was a … 7-8, she was a 15. There was no way that he could have scored her. Old habits die hard, it seems.

Syringe-guy was also there (y’all remember him? 😉), the local guy from my little hometown, who was a slave, and with whom I never exchanged pictures, as we would know we would recognize each other. We had many conversations about the double moral standards in our little town.

There was also the guy who was known for his temper, and who once told me that he would sh*t in my p***y, when I declined to date him. Really charming guy. The slave who wanted to make a contract with me. Oh, and the son, of the man I once dated was also writing to me. Even the priest wrote to me again.

But even if it was fun to “come home”, I didn’t really feel like diving into this world again. I liked the atmosphere of the place, and in my profile-text I had clearly written that I was on the lookout for a boyfriend, and not casual flings, so I mostly just wrote with men in there. None of them peaked any interest.

But then this guy comes along. He was 39, so still very young, but a bit more age appropriate than the Young Chef. He said he was a pleasing slave. His kink was to please me and fulfill whatever need I had. That could be housework, gardening, cooking whatever. He said he was very tuned in on his partners needs and loved to serve. He didn’t like to be humiliated, which I knew I wasn’t good at, but just … aimed to serve. Also … there was a kink that he liked to be whipped, but I said that I wasn’t sure I was able to do that.

Okay, I thought. Maybe that could be fun to try. There was a man who didn’t required anything in return. I could ask him to come, get satisfaction and throw him out again. Maybe it was the way to go. If I had to be honest, I was beginning to get a bit disillusioned, after the lying and chlamydia-giving men, so maybe it was just nice to have a slave. And with this one I didn’t even have to bother with the humiliations.

So, I agreed on a date with him. We went out to a café, where he was extremely gentleman-like, almost embarrassingly much. AND … Oh my God, how to put it … he was cross-eyed. And not just a lazy eye, but really crossed. I had no idea where to look, but I think he knew, because he often turned that side of his head. I had been saying to my self that I should broaden my view and not be so intolerant. So what if he was cross-eyed? Maybe he was the sweetest man alive, and if it was just to please me, maybe it wouldn’t matter. Besides, I could always make him wear a blindfold, right? 😉

But I wasn’t at all sure after our date, even if he had been an okay kisser. He was not masculine at all, even if he was a big man. The kiss too soft and vague and just kind of boring.

I initially rejected him, but I liked the way he was writing to me, and he got me persuaded and someday I invited him over. He brought me flowers and was very gentleman-like again. We ventured into the bedroom, but I – and I’m not proud of it – was disturbed by his eyesight. I am a horrible person. I know. I ended up blindfolding him. He then gave me oral pleasure and nothing else, and afterwards we lay in bed, he was the big spoon, and suddenly I started to cry. I missed to be held that way, but not by him. It was all so wrong. Maybe because he was faking the lovingly part, and I KNEW that he was faking and just pleasing, so it felt SO wrong. Then I threw him out. Literally. Saying, that I didn’t need his services anymore, and that he should go.

Ironically, he was totally turned on by this. But I rejected him, because I couldn’t mentally figure out, what was the “role play” and what was real. Of course, I knew that he didn’t love me, but maybe he was just too good at faking it, and it confused me. I just couldn’t deal with the “feeling” of love when it wasn’t there. It was empty and wrong.

So yes, I was all mixed up. Which went against anything that I normally had said. Don’t date, if you are not clarified, but I did all the opposite.

The slave thing was still intriguing though. There were these guys (and yes, plural, that site is full of them), who would come and give me satisfaction, and then I could just throw them out. I didn’t need to get emotionally involved and they wouldn’t expect anything from me.

Boy, was I wrong there.

Like I wrote in an earlier post, the slaves really do have all the power, and actually they are really selfish. It is constantly the slave’s kinks and needs, and desires and boarders, which are in focus and never the master’s or mistress’s.

But maybe it was a sensible thing to play with, while I was healing my heart. I was still seeing the young Chef, and he was really adorable, because he wrote to me every morning, whishing me a fantastic and beautiful day. I was totally intrigued by his positivity, which always made me so happy. And the sex was just fabulous, especially the oral skills, which I now knew, I couldn’t get better anywhere else, and if I had to be honest … when I was served by Cross-Eye I did orgasm a bit, but that was DESPITE of his efforts, and not because of them.

So yes, I was fascinated by the Chef and was getting fond of him, but I knew that he shouldn’t be the one. At some point he would get bored, and find somebody his own age to play with, and then I would have no choice to find something else. And still … I was his first date, and he needed to go out and date others to see what was out there.

Then the Slave (from a previous blogpost) appeared in my mailbox at the sex-dating-site again. Telling me that he still remembered our “rendezvous” in the bushes and was totally turned on by the idea of repeating it. I said that I couldn’t do that. I was confused and told him about Cross-Eye and how I had difficulties distinguishing between the role and the man.

And I also had difficulties that time when we were “playing” in the bushes. The humiliation part didn’t feel natural to me, like I had said to him back then, and he apologized, and knew that he had been too eager. Since then, he had tried other things, but some of the things he had experienced had scared him a bit.

Eventually we decided on a walk in a forest. I said to him that I wanted to see HIM. The real person, and not the role. I needed to get those things separated in my mind, because with Cross-Eye, I was totally confused by the loving, but fake attention, so I wanted a date, where the Slave was himself. As if we were on a regular date.

He agreed, but couldn’t quite keep his eagerness in check, and finally we agreed that at some point at the end of our walk, and when I had gotten an expression of his real personality, I should say a word that he had decided (“puppy” of course) and then he would kneel before me, with his eyes to the ground. After that he would be in his role.

I said okay, but also that he shouldn’t expect too much, because this date was ONLY to get to know each other. Nothing else, there would be no tying him to the trees and pouring honey over him or some of the other things he had suggested. Just a walk.

Very innocent and low key.

At that point I didn’t know that the police would get involved …

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