Photo of Wall Street burning 

NEW YORK — The morale on Wall Street is dropping precipitously as thousands of stockbrokers, traders, and other finance sector employees fell prey to Redditors. The subreddit r/WallStreetBets organized an effort to thwart Wall Street's predictions on GameStop and AMC stocks.

The users of r/WallStreetBets saw how large firms bet on GameStop and AMC symbols plummeting in value due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, which badly hurt sales for both companies. Seeing an opportunity to short squeeze, which is when investors force a stock’s price to jump sharply against other investors' bets, the Redditors held their stocks, resulting in a massive value hike. Check out this Investopedia article for a more detailed explanation of short squeezing.

“I can’t believe I lost to a bunch of internet trolls,” says Jason Swansong, a Wealth Management Analyst at Morgan Stanley. “The whole firm’s morale is trashed. What the hell did I go to Yale for? All that debt and seventy-hour work weeks for what,” moaned Swansong.

Robinhood protects the rich

Chris Cuomo (left) exposing Robinhood Ceo Vladimir Senev (right) as the clown he is 

As a response to the short squeeze, and to appease their friends on Wall Street and the SEC, the popular trading app, Robinhood, which built its reputation on making trading available to the everyday person, froze buying options for GameStop and AMC stocks. As of yesterday, Robinhood is allowing limited buying options, however, the firm announced that this is liable to change.

Under unbearable stress, Jack Ficklestein, the Chief Investment Officer at Citadel Securities, which is Robinhood's largest investor, had a luxury jacuzzi installed in his office and canceled all business meetings for the foreseeable future.

“What the fuck does it even matter anymore? We’re all going to hell in a handbasket, anyway. May as well live it up with some hot chicks and mojitos on the way down,” he told The Dingo between sniffs of cocaine.

“Robinhood loves each and every one of its users and fights for the little guy. You are all the reason Robinhood is as large as it is today. However, we have obligations to the hand that feeds us. We wish we did not sign a deal with the devil,” reads an email sent to Robinhood users with embedded photos of a briefcase, a Rolex watch, and handcuffs as an homage to their relationship with Wall Street.

Condemnations and memes abound

Many celebrities and politicians such as Elon Musk, Ja Rule, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D., NY), and Ted Cruz (R., TX) blast the move, deriding Robinhood as a sellout.

Elon Musk: "Here come the shorty apologists. Give them no respect. Get Shorty." https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1354891972406865922?s=20

Rapper Ja Rule: “Yo this is a fucking CRIME what @RobinhoodAppis doing DO NOT SELL!!! HOLD THE LINE... WTF.” https://twitter.com/jarule/status/1354812123080138759?s=20

Ocasio-Cortez: "This is unacceptable. We now need to know more about @RobinhoodApp’s decision to block retail investors from purchasing stock while hedge funds are freely able to trade the stock as they see fit. As a member of the Financial Services Cmte, I’d support a hearing if necessary." https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1354830697459032066?s=20

Ted Cruz: (R, TX): [Quote tweeting AOC's tweet] "Fully agree" https://twitter.com/tedcruz/status/1354833603943931905?s=20

“Well, it could be worse. I could be one of the sad sons of bitches caught hanging out with Epstein,” Ficklestein said before motorboating his secretary.

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