Satire: Newly elected President Joe Biden promises a return to business as usual in inaugural speech

By SocraticDingo | The Dingo | 21 Jan 2021

Joe Biden swearing in as the 46th. President of the United States. Photo by Saul Loeb/Pool Photo via AP

Joe Biden swearing in as the 46th. President of the United States. Photo by Saul Loeb/Pool Photo via AP

D.C — At the Presidential Mall, where a scattered and comparatively small crowd of socially distanced onlookers watched Joe Biden deliver his inaugural speech as the 46th. president of the United States. President Biden’s speech promised a future where only some are heard, more are ignored, and international realpolitik will continue as usual.


“Rather than further divide this country and point out our enemies, we must all unify and selectively listen to the will of all Americans. We will move toward a beautiful future where all minorities (except Native Americans) are finally  heard. We must unify to dispel the scourge of racism, domestic terrorism, and wealth inequality for Americans who for centuries fought—from the founding of America to the Civil War and up until this day—for their rights. These great people now own a growing and significant portion of national capital and represent a sizable population that we cannot and must no longer ignore.”


The new president promises that international hegemony will be less obvious to most Americans, citing its distastefulness and negative impacts on national morale. President Biden also spoke at length about the need to change our views and “catch up with the times.”


“We must truly make our nation a twenty-first-century global power. As a nation, we must invest heavily in artificial intelligence, green energy, and covert technologies. The past heavy-handed and brutish methods of social control have no place in our new America, where people who look like you and your family will attain new-found power to assuage historically under-represented peoples.”


After his speech, Chief Justice John Roberts (beside him BlackRock CEO, Laurence D. Fink) swore in President Biden. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor swore in Vice President Kamala Harris, the first police officer, Black, and Asian woman nominated for the position.


“We will build a bigger, better, and stronger America mostly together. It is our duty to each other, and our duty to God to bring peace and prosperity to those who matter in our great country. This is democracy’s day. This is Wall Street’s day. Together, as a unified America, we can achieve anything. May God bless America. May God bless our military and their private contractors.” Biden said in closing.


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