NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — Two juggernauts of higher education face off in the NCAA finals, competing for the title as the most dangerous campus for female students. Ohio State University Title IX Coordinator, Melissa Mayhan, shared the university’s plans to stay on top:

We literally won’t take “No” for an answer. We are investing $30M into our new She Wanted It campaign, which will supply all fraternities and men’s athletic clubs with hard liquor and tranquilizers, as well as fund classes on coercive control and gangbanging. We will ensure our boys have the resources they need to force themselves on as many young women as possible. Go Buckeyes!

However, Rutgers won’t be caught lying down. “OSU is a powerhouse when it comes to sexual assault,” admitted Francine Conway, Chancellor at Rutgers University-New Brunswick. “But Rutgers has been racking up charges. We also boast one of the most ethnically diverse campuses in the country, so we have girls that suit anyone’s proclivities. We are also famous for our exceptionally misogynist culture — we’re called ‘Slutgers’ for a reason!”

To ensure fair competition, the NCAA will randomly screen male student-athletes for performance-enhancing drugs such as Viagra and Cialis. Additionally, both universities announced that protesting students — if female — will be the first targets for sport this Fall.