Love is...

Everyone is looking for love albeit some of us in the wrong places. Some people mistake sex for love and love for sex. In my case I think that I have ticked all the boxes (hahahic). If you come from a family that doesn't express or demonstrate love you are going to spend a lot of time discovering what love is not. However, many things in life begin at home and then filter out into society and may be that is why in some sections of society it is quite sick. We humans never like to talk about our shortcomings but we pretend very well and for years. Somebody, give that lady an Oscar! Yeah, so I came out of a typical island family which was poor and didn't even have complete outdoor hygiene facilities or electricity.

I still do have many fond memories of bathing early in the morning, with a small fire to provide light, under the backyard pipe in some beastly cold water being watched by my grandmother's sheep. Those were happy days in the country. When you are a child and you are loved and cared for there are not many material things you care about such as Indoor plumbing (hehehe). 

My Dad the Lover...er..Womanizer

However, when that love and care is not present you begin to notice every other horrible thing that is happening to you and around you. My dad had 13 children from four different women and those children are about 14 -20 years apart from my age of which my brother from my mother is also 14 years older than I am. I don't know how my father was able to do that and still live to 87, may his soul continue to rest in peace. My dad was a bus driver and so he use to get around and that is the story I am sticking with, he was affable and people generally liked him, including women. He was soft spoken but yet I would say in my opinion, mysterious with some piercing eyes. I am nothing like my father and I told him so when I was in my rebellious teens and my mother burned me with slap to the face and said don't disrespect your father. Shockingly, he retorted and asked, "why did you slap him, I don't want him to be like me, he is speaking the truth." Too late dad my face was like a glass blowing furnace.

Love is not Always Pretty

Outside of his womanizing ways, my dad was an A+ class carpenter and joiner and l learned a few woodworking techniques from him but that was not my calling and he didn't mind. I could talk to him when he was around which was not very often. When he realized that he was getting older and couldn't do the things he use to do he stayed home more often, but we were older then and looking after ourselves. To be honest the man was selfish, but he had some good moments. He became a drunkard and that really affected my relationship with him beyond the fact of the strange women that I would meet when he took me on drives. I think I was used (LOL)(SMH). The alcohol changed his life and all of our lives and not for the better. I don't know why he started drinking so hard? Don't know if it was my mother or his own sins. Needless to say but I begged him like a dog to stop drinking and he would just brush me off, what does a teen know about life right? Well he drank all of us into desperation and then when he was laid off it just was worse. My mother pulled herself together God rest her soul and turned into superwoman+++ and started a mini farm with sheep and chickens and quick growing crops to help us survive. There was no one coming to save us. Some mornings whilst others were eating bacon, eggs and sausages, we were eating guavas, soursops and mangoes , beans, carrots and red beets straight from the field, after washing them off of course, we were poor not animals (hahahaha).

Love is Resilient Action

Anyway, seeing my mum jump into action spoke love not only for us but also for our dad. Everything was far from perfect, hell it was not even good but she did what she had to do to ensure we didn't starve and that we could still attend school. She didn't say much to us in terms of "I love you" but she showed it. That doesn't work with every person, as you know, some people like to hear the words I love you. Nothing wrong with that. Mum was a beast when it came to providing and defending us. She was always one step away from John Wick 4 but I think that had a lot to do with my father's ways and seemingly having to fight for his consolation. I think she broke internally and all of her softness and gentleness was overcome by the constant mode of preservation or war, It seemed to end with the same result. Trauma. Trauma that my sister and I had to deal with daily and dad was hardly home and some way or the other our childish behavior would trigger her.

I can't remember my mother ever hugging me though. I held it against her sometime during my childhood when I compared her to other mothers. As I got older I determined in my heart that should I ever have a child I would not treat my child in any manner that would tear them down. However, I ended up marrying a woman who was just like my mother. Isn't that something. The psychologist would have a field day on that one. The marriage didn't last. She had trauma, I have trauma that was never dealt with. Many people roll through life like that never dealing with their hurt and then they take it into other relationship and hurt other people and the vicious cycle continues.

You Must Fight for Love not everything else will take over

I didn't say it earlier, but I will say it now. My mother was a control freak and I am not saying that with malicious intent. It was just a fact that it had to be her way or the highway. It use to bother me so much just wishing I knew what exactly made her so aggressive and distrustful and how long she endured it and why she stayed around. The short answer I have proposed is for her children.

After my failed marriage, I did so much unpacking. Today I am still unpacking but I don't have as much baggage as I use to. Thank God it was heavy.  

So love is still on the cards for me and I think that I have found someone that I can share my love with and their with me. We have both been through the shredder but I think she has been more than me. The difference is she went to get help. I live in a culture that is only now appreciating psychological therapy. In previously years you would have been classified as mad. It beats me cause I think the whole world is mad based on what I see on social media these days, unless that is a deep fake. 

The Online Dating App

I used the dating app and I ran filters to obtain the best results. However, I just was not getting the results I needed and I thought may be I was being too picky. Most of the women were either looking for mobile phone top ups or they wanted someone to support them. I literally gave up until one day I heard don't give up and I logged in one more time and happen to see a lady for the very first time ever from one of the islands I was avoiding (LOL) Anyway, I reached out and we talked and we are still talking today just that we are now in the same country.  We are communicating well, respectfully and we are getting to know each other. We have very similar patterns both bad and good but we are working on those. My son likes her and she likes him. She is good on the eyes too. Love is always present we just have to deal with the trauma in our lives first before we can get to it.