It was a very white room, I suppose they usually are white or sometimes weird green. I think I remember reading that the green was supposed to make you feel calmer. Don’t think it turned out to work very well. I suppose making everything white makes it easier to see if things are dirty and well, clean them. Nothing more concerning than a dirty hospital room. I mean if they can’t keep the cupboard clean of dust, who knows how clean their instruments are on their hands.

“Eeek.”..

“Julian?”

“Yes, doctor” I replied, looking at the kind woman’s face.

“Did you hear what I said?” She leaned back, took off her glasses and placed them on the table in front of her on my file.

“Yes, doctor” I did my best smile. I tightened the muscles at the side of my face showing off my teeth.

There was a knock at the door.

Through the little wire mesh glass, I could see John’s big face, with his flat nose that had undoubtedly been broken numerous times.

With a nod of acknowledgement, he entered the room, closing the door behind him quietly.

He held up his big sausage finger hands in the age-old sign of greeting. I come unarmed, I’m a friend, although commonly accepted as such, many have paid the price with their lives for taking it as a true sign of friendship.

“You all right, Doctor Deryck?”

“Fine fine, Julian here has just had some rather unsettling news and I think he needs some time to process it”.

“Well…if I may… comment on the matter..” I started.

Doctor Deryck nodded with assent.

“When you say I’m livingly challenged… could you maybe.. expand on that?”

“Well,” she said bringing her fingers together and leaning forward.

“Your living essence has decided to depart…”

A moment passed

“Your spectral soul has decided to depart the ether…”

“Your..” she began

“You are undead mate” John interjected “…mostly dead…soulless…filthy rotten corpse decaying day by …”

“Yes… yes…thank you John”  the Doctor cut in, “I believe Julian gets the picture”.

“I’m a ..a.. Z…”

“Shhhhhhh!…. We don’t use the Z word here” Doctor Deryck said.

“So…uhm.. is there a cure…?!” I stammered, a knot forming in my stomach as I feared the answer my mouth began to fill with bile and I thought I might be sick with what was to come next.

“Well… I’ve got good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?“

I was speechless

“Well.. you seem like the kind of person who could do with making changes in your behaviour following this news so I’ll give the good news first”

“What?”

“Ok…so the good news is you’re not dead!” she said with a big smile.

“Huh?!”

“Well.. you’re a lot dead that’s for sure I mean just look at you all droopy and mangy..”

“and smelly” John joined in.

 “Hey!” I protested.

“Well.. you’re not dead so… there is room for improvement”.

“Great, so what’s the bad news?”, I sneakily had a whiff of my shirt. So I hadn’t showered in a day or two that was normal, I didn’t have to go out didn’t mean I was… “

The thought trailed off

“There’s no known cure for being near dead or mostly dead”.

That was it, I was going to be sick. I saw the basin in the corner of the room and ran for it.

“I’m sorry” she said

John came up behind me and passed me a blue paper towel to clean myself up with.

Dr Deryck, motioned me back to the chair.

“So, what happens next, am I a unique case? Will I be studied for the rest of my life and never see my friends or family again?”

“Well, firstly I checked your file and you don’t have a “next of kin” so not sure you can say you’ll never see your, friends or family, again…”

“Hey.. you know you are kind of mean for a Doctor”.

“Yeah,” John said under his breath, and both looked at him.

“Sorry”.. “just…” he stuck out his lip and raised his eyebrows hoping they’d leave him alone.

“Well.. this is not the first case we’ve seen, you’re actually part of a trend we’ve noticed across the UK and frankly the world”

I was gobsmacked, “I thought I kept up to date with current affairs, but I guess I missed this are there articles or support groups I can join?”

This could be a blessing in disguise, I pondered. I could make new friends. I might even meet a nice girl, live happily ever after…well who knows how long that would be but.. happy for a bit.

“Let go…” Dr Deryck, finished.

“What, sorry didn’t catch that..”

“We’re going to have to kill you mate”.. John said dryly.

“Well, John, puts it a bit more roughly. But yes, we can’t have you walking around scaring people now, can we? You wouldn’t want that now would you?!..”

“No.. but… uhm… I do like living though”

“Mostly living..” Dr Deryck corrected.

“Never the less, I don’t give my consent... I’d like to keep doing my mostly living…”

“Well, it’s sadly not really up to you.”  The doctor said.

“Who’s in charge, who can I speak to about this.. your boss, your bosses boss.. my local politician?!”

“HA!..” John blurted out covering his mouth with his fingers.

“Well, no they are not really in charge, it’s up to them.” She looked up and chinned toward a camera in the ceiling.

I looked at the window, I was on the 3rd floor of the building. I could jump might sprain an ankle if I ducked and rolled, I thought scanning the room for my options.

Sizing up John I calculated my chances, I suppose I could kick him in the groin and make a run for it.

My gaze fell back on the Dr, I could grab her and hold her hostage.

“Well.. now that that’s settled, shall we proceed with the procedure?!” the doctor said taking out her pen to make notes on my file.

John put his hands on my shoulder…

I panicked, fell out of my chair like a fish flailing my arms and made contact with John’s face. Who bent over holding his nose as it started dripping with blood.

“You won’t take me without a fight”.. I mustered standing up straight and doing my best to sound confident.

“HOORAY!!” Dr Deryck, shouted, “You’re cured!”

“huh?!”

“You’re welcome,” John said tilting his head back, whilst looking for a handkerchief in his pocket to stop the bleeding.

“huh?!”

“Well.. Julian, when you first arrived you were nearly dead.. but how do you feel now my boy?...The adrenaline, pumping through your veins ready to live your best life.. eh?” The doctor said

“I guess,” I said not believing if this was a trick or not and keeping my hands held high.

“Would you like a cup of tea” John said around his handkerchief.

I was mad, I wanted to live, I wasn’t going to die without a fight.. I… I… “I would love a cup of tea, thank you”. I muttered.

John left the room, and Dr Deryck pointed at the chair once again.

I slowly made my way over not trusting anything.

Dr Deryck began to write something on a piece of paper and handed it over.

“That’ll be £28,390, then, please. If your insurance can’t cover it the receptionist can discuss a payment plan with you” She picked up another file and pressed on the intercom on her desk “Next, please”

There I stood outside of her office with the piece of paper in my hand.. what the fuck was that.