Today in "You Could Make a Religion out of that": Cryptocurrency

Here's what I am thinking, having watched the brief and mocking "You Could Make a Religion Out of That" video, on the world's main/popular religions:

"Good morning, Sir. Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour, Satoshi Nakamoto?"

Image of Evangelical Christians, from the Huffington Post

It seems to me that a mysterious figure is an essential ingredient for a religion. As far as I know, nobody knows Nakamoto's true identity and he/they are/is semi-legendary/mythical already. (Even if someone does know, does it matter at this stage?) Besides, cryptocurrency was meant to help people out of a bad/unjust situation and some maximalists can get quite fanatical/zealous about their chosen coin (or why others are anathema and not true crypto). There's even a statue in his honour and those are important to have too! There's definitely material with which to work, there, right? The schisms among the crypto faithful alone are good hallmarks ... Let's face it, "The Church of Crypto" has a nice cryptic ring to it, don't you think? Maybe that ring is a Caesar Cypher ... Besides, I think that cryptanalysts and cypherpunks are/were some pretty interesting folks with semi-revelatory ideas for how to conduct oneself online, something that is a big part of life in the modern world. So, then, without further ado, let's have some scripture, yeah? You can't have a religion without scripture!

"1 In the first year of our Lord, there came to be an entity known to us only as Satoshi Nakamoto, our Lord and Saviour. 2 And He wore upon the fingers of His hands a great many rings of gold and rubies. And those rings were Caesar cyphers, as is befitting. 3 For He is a great and mighty benefactor, our Lord. And all those who followed Him knew this to be true and were impressed by Him and the code that He had wrought. 4 For with that code that He had wrought, He brought forth Bitcoin in the world. And lo, He declared that it was good. And it was good. 5 Yes, verily, Bitcoin was good.

6 Lo, it came to pass that Vitalik Buterin, the first disciple of our Lord Nakamoto, saw the Bitcoin that the Lord Nakamoto had made and he knew in his heart that Bitcoin was good. In his heart, he knew without doubt that it was exceedingly good. 7 And so Buterin set forth to spread the gospel of Bitcoin in Canada, the place of his dwelling. He dwelled there all the days of his life, even though his father came from Russia. 8 And lo, Vitalik wrote his own code and brought forth Ethereum, that which we know as ETH, but it was not so good. Nay, it was not as good as that which the Lord Satoshi had done. 9 For using Ethereum has costs that are too high. Indeed, the costs are too high and we call them gas. They are definitely not good. 10 But the Lord said naught unto Vitalik on the error of his ways, for by this time He had pissed off somewhere else, never to be seen again. 11 That is the way of our Lord and those of all great lords that came before him. We know not why, for the Lord works in mysterious and circuitous ways that are ineffable. 12 It is not for us to wonder why. It is for us to do and watch the unbelievers suffer and die. For they are the champions of fiat, an evil they have wrought upon the world. 13 Fiat is a repugnant abomination in the eyes of our Lord, for it keeps men bonded in debt and wage slavery to their brothers.

14 Yeah, the people were not as impressed with Vitalik and his creation of Ethereum as with that of our Lord. 15 For he is a strange man from the North, unlike our Lord and Saviour, though His habits and countenance be unknown to us. 16 His name is Satoshi Nakamoto. He might be from Asia, but the place of his origin is also unknown to us. 17 Still, it came to pass that Vitalik became a man of great renown throughout the kingdom, which we call the cryptosphere. 

18 But lo, it came to pass that the man Justin Sun, he did behold Ethereum and in his mind he saw that it was good. 19 Indeed, to Justin Sun, Ethereum is a great good. 20 He championed the creation of Buterin and became his disciple, spreading the word of ETH to others. 21 Lo, Justin Sun wrote code of his own and brought forth TRON. Like a man tracing a sleeping cat with a pencil, he brought forth TRON upon the world. 22 In in his arrogance, the man named Sun declared himself to be the true god. But he was an arrogant, greedy, foolish and vain man, for he ran all the TRON network nodes and tried to keep TRON to himself. 23 The people were not fooled by the usurper, for they saw the wickedness of his centralised ways and did not care for TRON. So Sun wrote more code and brought forth Suncoin. But the people were not fooled again. They did not care for Suncoin either. 24 Yea, the people were not fooled by the shitcoins of Justin Sun.

25 Sun failed again, so he endeavoured to go to space and not be seen again. Sun exiled himself to space and the people rejoiced, for they would be troubled by him no more. And lo, it was so!

26 Lo, in time, other pretenders and false prophets like Sun saw Bitcoin and knew that it was good. They wrote their own code and brought forth many shitcoins and tokens upon the Earth. 27 Yea, there are many shitcoins upon the Earth. 28 For they are false idols made by scammers and dishonest men whom would pull the rugs from under your feet. 29 Yea, the Internet is full of dishonest men, liars and scammers! They seek to profit from your misfortune. Some of the people have been fooled by them, for they were blinded by their greed. Others have not, for they have not strayed from the path of the true cryptocurrency. 30 Yeah, the disciples of Bitcoin are the true and faithful disciples of our Lord and Saviour, Satoshi Nakamoto. 31 These great men, we call Maximalists, for they spread the word of Bitcoin to the unbelievers ant the faithful alike. They art staunch defenders of the truth and the way. 32 Thou shalt know them when thou seest them, for their eyes are those of laser beams! If thou wilt to see thine wallets, a share of twenty-one million Bitcoin thou shalt find. 33 That is the blessing of our Lord Nakamoto, that each man and woman that believeth in Him shalt have some Bitcoin and be saved from the iniquities, injustices and sins of this world. 34 Yet, only twenty one million faithful souls will be saved, having acquired at least one Bitcoin each.

35 For surely, a time shall come when fiat is acknowledged as an evil and perish from this world, on the day of judgement. 36 This is the vision and the promise of our Lord and Saviour to his faithful, the believers in Bitcoin. 37 All the unbelievers shalt be as naught in the eyes of the Lord and, being thus, shalt snuff it on the day of reckoning. 38 For they are doomed to wander the barren world to come post-collapse. This is the way that the Lord hath revealed to the crypto faithful and it is good. 39 Smite the infidel where you find him, in the name of the Lord. For the infidel is steeped in the ways of fear and doubt. It is known to us as FUD. 40 Verily, he shalt cause you strife and attempt to lead you away from the path of righteousness and truth. 41 Be strong in thine faith, always! Believe not his lies and aspersions, for he is a fool whom hath strayed from the path of truth and cast out the ways of our Lord. 42 He, the fool, is as naught in the eyes of the Lord and shalt be as naught in thine eyes also.

43 For thou art the chosen people of the Lord and the cryptosphere be thine kingdom. 44 Therefore, acquire and HODL as much Bitcoin as thine canst, until the day of reckoning, on which fiat shall perish, with all those that cleave unto it. HODL thy coins until just before death or the Internet ceases to exist! That’s what our Lord would do, no matter what. 45 On that great and momentous day, the faithful shalt receive their reward, which is freedom beyond measure, exultation in the eyes of our Lord and Saviour, whose name is Satoshi Nakamoto. 46 In Bitcoin we trust, for 'tis the fruit of our Lord. By the fruit shalt we know him, for it is good.

47 What shalt become of those that hath strayed from the path, duped by the lies and false prophesies? 48 They art heretics! The Lord hath cast a HEX upon their wallets. 49 SafeMoon shalt not be safe for them. Their days shalt forever be blighted by shitcoins that do not yield. Their farms shalt be barren and their tractors most humbled, having no FUEL. 50 A great famine and pestilence shalt befall them and they shalt die like dogs. 51 The CAKE is a lie! Proof of Stake robs Peter to pay Paul! Only those whom mine shalt prosper. 52 TrustWallet is not to be trusted, for one cannot trust a man whom commandeth one to trust him. He whom says otherwise would delude you that Satoshi failed. That man must be cast out like goat droppings, for he has no worth! 53 Trust only in the way of Bitcoin and of the Lord. 54 You may wear the MetaMask of the fox, but only briefly, for it it is good. 55 Of MetaMask, the Lord doth approve. 56 He whom passeth on the inspired word he hath receiveth from the Lord Himself, in the scripture, reserveth the rite to maketh the rules!

57 This divine word constituteth not financial advice, for thy must conducteth thine own research, always. 58 Trust not, lest thou first verify! 59 The way of the Bitcoiner is greatly risky, for these are still the days of the infidel whom has bought into the lies of the way of Fiat! Remember this always! 60 Go forth and multiply, yea whom art mighty in faith and favour, spreading the word of our Lord as thy dost! 61 These be the all the teachings of thine Lord and Saviour, Satoshi Nakamoto. 62 May his name and code be forever exulted. 63 Amen!"

 — The Book/Gospel of Satoshi Nakamoto, 1:1-63

That's not bad as far as scripture goes, is it? I think I've waded through far too much of the Christian bible for my making a mockery of it not to be a passable imitation, quite frankly. It certainly looks like it could have come out of a religious book, right?

I think that covers everything there (including the arbitrary fire and brimstone condemnation and rules, as well as the cumbersome phrasing and unnecessary repetition). You are more than welcome to let me know if I've missed anything. Oh, in case it's somehow still not obvious, this is all very much an extended piss-take of the cryptoshere and religion. It is definitely not to be taken seriously by any means. Please do not read/teach it to young and impressionable children on Sundays. No harm or slander to any persons is intended whatsoever (except to Abrahamists, particularly Joel Osteen, whom art as naught in my eyes and canst snuff it; somebody please lob the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in their general direction).

Thumbnail image: Photo of the statue in tribute to Satoshi Nakamoto

Update: This text is now available as an eBook on LeanPub.