If I have learned anything from spending more time than I ever wanted to among humans (and I have learned many hard but important life lessons this way), it's that most of us don't genuinely care for each other on our own merit, only for what we can get out of using each other for our own ends. Friends, family, so-called lovers, people on whom I thought I could rely and trust: All of them betrayed and ditched me as soon as I was no longer making a contribution to the betterment of their lives. Bugger me when I dropped the ball on that, proved to be a fallible human with my own needs and wants — instead of an indefatigable machine — or when I needed something from them beyond money and status, actual human connection, for them to hear and acknowledge what I say instead of calling me a liar for speaking my truth. So I stopped speaking it and deliberately lie to them, because it's easier for me if we both agree that that's what I'm doing.

Another hard lesson that I've likely not fully learned (since I still go out of my way to be kind and helpful, to try to make other people's lives better, to my detriment) is that no good deed goes unpunished and the road through hell is also paved with good intentions. Whenever I do something good, someone (usually a family member) feels the need to spoil it with shitty comments or action.

Thirdly, humans are not logical or rational creatures, despite what we may claim. We are actually utterly illogical and ridiculous and our lives are also that as a result. Just looking at how many folks are religious (or at least claim to be) is a case in point, never mind all the other silly shit, stupid shit (like working for The Man: If he's The Man and you're The Man, then I'm The Man as well). I do wish we'd stop working jobs we hate to finance buying shit we desire but don't need when what we have is perfectly functional (if somewhat tired/worn and no longer aesthetically pleasing) and wondering why we have so little or no energy and money left afterwards, but that's a topic for a different rant that has already been written. Suffice to say, spendthrifts have their own circle of hell, according to Dante Alighieri in his Divine Comedy.

You're The Man as Well (so you can point your fucking Capitalist finger up your arse)!

"White Americans, what?
Got nothing better to do?
[...]
Who's using who?
What should we do?
You can't be a pimp and a prostitute too!

Icky thump,
Handcuffed to a bunk,
Robbed blind.
Looked around;
There was nobody else.

Left alone,
I hit myself with a stone,
Went home
And learned how to clean up after myself!"
 — The White Stripes; Icky Thump

That's the idea, anyway (if you replace "stone" with "lump of gold" or 5 BTC). That part is currently proving difficult. Maybe this week (or next) might be the start of something different, since I might actually get the help I need (the drugs to sort it out). Maybe I'll learn the lessons I need to, find a way to escape to the reclusive life I want, a Walden Pond of my own. I'm not banking on it, though. Fuck the banks and banksters. S(p)end more (of my) money. Fuck you, buddy!

"Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being.”
 — Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist

In light of all that, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to aim and desire to get as far away from other humans (the voices swallowing what remains of my soul, if I even have one left) as I feasibly/realistically can. Why would I bother to waste time expending effort to establish so-called "non-transactional" relationships with energy vampires whom want to drink my blood (like the kids in art schools said they would)? If you're not paying me in crypto for the privilege of abusing me, I want nothing to do with you. All you should know about me is what I sell you. If I'm going to live in a dirty little Capitalist globalist village, at least let me do it on my terms. But no, I'm apparently a wierdo because I don't want to "find a girl and settle down". Ignoring the sexism of that sentiment, I tried that and it didn't fucking work at all well for me. I'm not the NSA casual hookup/one-night-stand type, either. I'm not going to hurt myself again for others' sake if I can help it. I may have lost my grip, but I can still make a fist up with which to beat myself unaided (and I've had plenty of practice over the decades). For the most part, I'm quite happily single, living the life I do. I just want fewer people (and more funds and independence/self-reliance) in it.

Is it any wonder my few remaining relationships are strained to breaking point?

Blood may be thicker than water, but mine's all bad blood (and I would know, too, considering the species from which I inherited it). I'd rather donate it to strangers through a blood bank than hang around family and fiends if I can manage that. All that assumes, of course, that I can ever afford enough to eat to not pass out from the procedure. Call me morbid or absurd if you will, but to me, coming from humans, "friend" is a four-letter word. They're my least favourite mammals. If I am going to give my energy and love to any people, it's dogs and cats. They live such quick, short and sweet lives that they don't seem to develop much sanskara (heart scars) unless humans are horrifically abusive and cruel to them. As a result, they are loving, simple creatures that give back at least as much (often more) affection and love than they receive, without hidden agendas or prejudice. Yes, they can be just as melodramatic and cause kak, but they don't do it out of malice and they're definitely not full of shit (not for very long anyway, given how much they poop). They remind me of how human children are before we experience/realise the true horrors that come from/with living in the furnace of this world.

Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three-ring circus sideshow of freaks.

Thumbnail image: "Some Say We'll See Armageddon Soon" (poster's own artwork)