I got really upset recently.

The challenges

Being autistic has its challenges. It is a fact that we live in a world led by and meant for neurotypical individuals. When you stand out from the crowd, you tend to be the odd one out. Being different is kind of forbidden; it seems to be a bad thing.

Picture source: Unsplash

Mistakes are unforgivable

If I make a mistake, it is undoubtedly because of my autism. It does not matter if anybody else can make the same mistake; it is my faultiness that led to it. I am socially clumsy — sure, I often do not pick some subtle cues, and this leads to misunderstandings. I have mostly learned how to live in a society, yet my continuous analysis of people every now and then fails. So, this means that I am not a worthy member of society.

Oh, and my favourite is how I am incapable of understanding others and showing emotions. As if the attacker is in my head and knows what I am experiencing. Interestingly, if you claim I do not understand your way of thinking, why do you assume that you understand mine? Or maybe attacking others for the sake of picking on someone feels good on the self-esteem. I am not interested in knowing the reason. I just find it sad and hurtful. I mean no harm, so why am I treated as if this is all on purpose?

If you claim I don’t understand your way of thinking, why do you think you understand mine?

Ashamed no more

I might be different, I might be clumsy in one way or another, but I am honest. I have mastered the lessons of decency. I do not criticise others, even if I see something that is not quite right. I can notice a dirty spot on your shirt, but I would turn away my gaze to ensure you are not aware that I have seen it. I do not want you to feel embarrassed. But then… I am heartless. If you say so…

Sometimes criticism is overt. It starts feeling like I am not supposed to be here, that I need to be expelled. Am I expected to feel redundant? Or should I hate my very existence? Should I regret that I am alive? In the past, I would try to hide in a corner and wish I could bury myself under the ground.

Not anymore.

I need to be respected. I am part of society with all its quirkiness. I am well educated and employed at a 9-to-5. I do not depend on others. So why should I be treated as an alien?

“The odd one out” — an abstract digital artwork that I generated using the AI in the Wombo Dream app.

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