It has recently come to my attention that my almost 12 year old and her peers have been playing a game, whenever there is a party or group sleepover, which happens quite a lot at the moment. Now I'm fully aware, having been a child myself that it is totally normal for kids to play games that maybe mum & dad wouldn't be too keen on if they knew exactly what was going on. And I know a lot of stuff that comes under healthy and normal development is stuff that as a parent you have to turn a blind eye to, not think about too much, otherwise you'd never let them out of the cotton wool encasement you really, deep down want to keep them wrapped up in. But when you become aware that the latest game your preteen and her peers are playing is called The Rape Game, it's time to switch that blind eye off and investigate, which has been my parenting drama for the last few days...

The game itself sounds possibly quite innocent, depending on where you stand with the idea that it is normal and healthy for children to be sexually curious and to explore with each other. I know some parents that cannot stomach that idea and feel it's perverse, there must be something wrong with a child to be sexually curious, the types of parents that also told their toddlers off for masturbating, especially the girl ones eh because, girls should always remain little girls and pure :-). The game is a cross between hide and seek in the dark and 'spin the bottle', which for anyone not au fait with that game, everyone sits in a circle, the bottle is spun and the two people at either end of the bottle when it stops either have to kiss or have 5 minutes 'in the cupboard'... I think I played this sort of game from perhaps 14/15 onwards but it seemed like a game the other 'cool kids' were playing much younger. I wasn't one of the cool kids at school. I was a bit awkward and weird. But my eldest really is one of the kids they all want to be friends with. So anyway, the game. Sounds within the realms of a normal and healthy game in some ways. Except it is called The Rape Game and if looked at in another light, is an opportunity for kids to anonymously touch each other and not have to seek and more dangerously give consent. Which makes you wonder why they have called it this in the first place.

None of the kids involved have a clear answer as to why they are calling it that (I had to inform all the parents of my daughter's peer group, urging them to discuss ideas of consent and speak to their kids about the gravity of the word rape and how it should not be trivialised in a game, especially one that lends itself to someone being taken advantage of due to not feeling able to say no). In one sense, I think the word rape is possibly the most extreme word they can think of. It causes a reaction when people say it, more so than any other crime, like murder, robbery, fraud. Perhaps because we still live in a world where it's one of the only crimes where the victim is often not believed and put on trial themselves, made to feel culpable. It is a crime basically where the victim is demonised as much as the perp and maybe this is why it's such a shocking word. Pre teens love shock value. And perhaps like the word gay has become a dead metaphor for something being a bit naff or shit, the word rape is also being used to just express something extreme and potentially humiliating...?

I've spoken to my daughter. She is adamant nothing 'sexual' has happened in this game thus far (which has been going on for months), although if I'm honest I'm not 💯 sure I believe that. She did admit that the last time they played it they had just their underwear on. We had a very in depth discussion about consent, rape and also about enjoying the pleasures of your own body, which is often a point on the scale missing from these discussions with children. There is a reason we have to have these discussions in the first place after all. Because as children go through puberty, sexual instincts are flying everywhere (hormones) and it's normal to want to experiment. And, yes, it feels nice. I embarrassed the hell out of my daughter by telling her about my first sexual experience, aged 13. Not penetrative sex, that didn't occur till I was 16 but it was the first time I had touched someone else sexually and they had me. And although I didn't tell her this bit, that experience had been preceded by years of me masturbating and fantasising about what it would be like to be touched by another human being. The up shot is, I was trying to explain to my red faced daughter that being curious at this age is normal but playing a game where no one has to take intimate responsibility for their actions and where people could easily be pressured into doing something they don't want or have something done to them they don't want, is really irresponsible and dangerous. I spoke to her about why consent is apparently such a confusing idea for some people because, just because someone doesn't say no, it doesn't mean they have therefore consented. You have to establish consent in a myriad of ways and often that is done through the intimacy built up between 2 people. It simply cannot work in a group dynamic in the dark. She agreed. Actually, she looked really embarrassed because, we have actually spoken about rape and consent before, when the me too campaign began, so she is aware of the gravity of this and knows she should have known better.

Funny. Some of the parents have completely blanked my group message. Some have flown off the handle blaming me and the 'loose morals' in my house, I answer any questions the kids have and they often like coming to mine because they feel they can talk openly with me. Some have just said they are not concerned at all and it's normal at this age, no? Completely missing the point about the need to discuss consent and not trivialising rape. I think a lot of parents just don't want to have those in depth conversations with their kids because they are embarrassed, so it's easier to brush it under the carpet. But we are living in an era of people born to parents who wouldn't discuss sex and sexuality and maybe that's why we still have such high incidences of sexual violence in most countries across the world, the UK included. Perhaps that's also why so many people have shit, unfulfilling sex lives, because they don't know how to actually engage in intimacy with themselves let alone another.

My parting shot with my daughter is that I want her to enjoy her body and all the wonderful things it can do and feel but  I also needed her to understand that there are a whole host of emotions attached to that kind of exploration with others, emotions she is perhaps not equipped to deal with yet and that she needed to be sure in herself that she was ready and trusted the individual she wanted to experiment with and also that they too are ready. That they are giving full consent. My daughter identifies as gay and non binary btw. 

I really hope that the other parents step up to the plate and talk thoroughly to their kids this weekend, because this could be quite pivotal for them.