PTSD, how it works for me...
Yesterday, a real life issue came knocking on my door, that situation is not resolved but at least I feel less anxious about it. But, the unfortunate side effect of experiencing anxiety about anything is that it can (sometimes) open the floodgates to being triggered by the reasons I suffer from anxiety in the first place, PTSD.
The above poem is one I wrote about my rapist, from 4 years ago. I refer to him as my rapist because I want to claim ownership. He is my rapist, I am not his victim. Simple but works for me. To all intents and purposes, I'm ok about that 'life event', ok as in I don't need to be in intensive life long therapy or medicated and have stopped having 'the dreams' (fingers crossed). I did have some intensive psychotherapy a few years ago but mainly have used art and writing as a form of self therapy. So much as I may always have PTSD, as in there may always be things that occur in my life that trigger flashbacks or memories, it is easier to get a handle on it.
Right now, I know I am worried about something specific, something that I have in hand but need to be patient and wait to see what happens. I know that the man who raped me 4 years ago is not here in the room with me. He is in fact a few hundred miles away. I know the feelings of anxiety I have around that experience are historic and to do with the effects of trauma, not about the safety of me or my children now. Just because he has popped into my mind does not mean he is thinking about me. He probably makes a point of never thinking about me, how else does he hold balance, he must surely have blocked me from his mind so as to maintain his self image ; he is seemingly an upstanding member of society (as these types often are), a surgical dentist, a Christian and the director of a charity.
I say these things like a mantra, over and over and over... Most times (nowadays) it works, alongside doing something creative. If it doesn't, then I have friends to talk to but generally, it's just easier to write...
