Your brain has main character syndrome at the worst possible time.
You'd think during the one activity specifically designed to make your brain shut up and be present, your brain would finally shut up and be present. Nope. Your brain picked this exact moment to become a chatty little gremlin with the concentration span of a golden retriever who just heard a car door.
You're there, in the moment, doing the do, and suddenly your brain wants to discuss your grocery list. It's rude. It's disrespectful to the moment. And it happens to literally everyone, they just don't admit it because we've all collectively decided to pretend we're smooth, focused sex gods.
I'm not pretending anymore. Here's what's actually rattling around up there.
1. Did I leave the stove on?
There is no context in which this thought is welcome, and yet it shows up at full volume, mid-moment, like an uninvited party guest. You didn't leave the stove on. You haven't cooked anything today. Doesn't matter. Your brain needs you to consider it anyway, right now, at this exact second.
2. Is my stomach sucked in enough?
You're doing subtle ab engagement like you're auditioning for a core workout video, except the "workout" is supposed to be a completely different kind of workout. Somewhere in the back of your mind is a tiny, panicked producer yelling "suck it in, we're live."
3. What if the neighbors can hear?
Doesn't matter if you live in a detached house a quarter mile from another human soul. Your brain still runs the calculation. It has personally appointed itself Head of Acoustic Surveillance and refuses to stand down.
4. A random memory from 2014
Nobody asked for it. Nobody wanted it. But here it is: the time you tripped in front of your entire seventh-grade class, replaying in full 4K detail, at the absolute worst possible moment for a trip down memory lane.
5. Am I making a weird face?
You don't know what your O-face looks like because you've never seen it, and frankly you don't want to. But your brain insists on wondering, mid-act, whether you currently resemble a Victorian ghost or a golden retriever mid-sneeze. There's no good answer, and yet the question persists.
6. What time is it, and do we have time for this?
You're doing math. Actual arithmetic. Carrying the one. Somewhere in your skull a tiny accountant is checking this against your calendar like it's a scheduling conflict and not, you know, the moment you're currently in.
7. Is the dog watching?
He is. He's always watching. He has the judgmental stare of a disappointed in-law and zero chill about personal space. You will think about this. You will make eye contact with him. You will regret it instantly.
8. A whole imaginary argument with your coworker
Somehow, mid-moment, you are now mentally drafting a scathing rebuttal to something Karen from accounting said in Tuesday's meeting. You are winning this imaginary argument so hard. She never stood a chance. This has nothing to do with anything happening in the room.
9. Should I say something, or is that weird?
There's a whole committee meeting happening in your head about whether to say something cute, something funny, or nothing at all, and by the time the committee reaches a verdict, the moment that prompted it has already passed.
10. Is this taking too long, or not long enough?
You genuinely cannot tell. There is no metric. There is no scoreboard. And yet your brain insists on grading it in real time like a judge at a gymnastics meet who's never seen gymnastics before.
Turns out the human brain simply cannot be told what to focus on, even during the one activity it supposedly evolved to prioritize above almost everything else. It's rude, honestly. It's the one meeting your brain shouldn't be multitasking through, and yet here we are, mentally answering emails.
But hey, at least we're all equally distracted. Solidarity in chaos.
