IJCH: Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom (Parody/Humor)
Nature's Wonderful and Beautiful Mysteries -
While waiting for our food at the restaurant, I was listening of "The Complaint De Jour" from my girlfriend, my mind wanders a bit...
Strange.
I am teleported to my youth. I'm a kid again, sitting indian-style in front of my family's first TV; watching one of my favorite shows called "Wild Kingdom".
The trumpeting "duh-duh-duh, daan-nuh...duh-duh-duh, daan-nuh, duh, duh-duh-duh" intro music finishes - Oops, that was another favorite program called "National Geographic" (Oh boy, all those little naked pigmy girls!).
Ok, the dramatic orchestra intro music of Wild Kingdom is done and I can clearly hear the monotone voice of Marlin Perkins narrating this week's episode.
But instead of the usual scene of a lion catching and killing a gazelle, I see myself and my girlfriend, clad only in leopard skin attire, stalking each other in a primal game of "Hide and Seek".
The screen on the old television suddenly goes snowy and the only thing heard is a bunch of loud static; so I give it a firm side-thump and go through the well practiced procedure of adjusting the "rabbit-ears" antennae to get the picture and volume back on. My actions make a ridiculous silhouette on the wall: One leg off the ground, one hand holding the "rabbit ears" over my head, and the other hand extended, desperately trying to keep my balance!
Surely from my precise execution of the aforementioned procedures, the picture reappears and Marlin Perkins' - instant cure for insomnia - voice returns, saying, "Welcome to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom:
Please be very still and quiet. We are fortunate to catch a glimpse of two very rare species in the wild. They are performing their never-before-captured on film mating ritual.
Fine representatives of a pure, free-roaming, fiercely feral animal, both of these reclusive species have thus far managed to avoid contact with modern civilization.
The female - a 'Creatus Erectus', and the male - a 'Fibbus Sizus Erectus', have completed their initial displays of strength and beauty and beginning the pheromone sniffing phase...
...Now, notice how the male dominantly mounts the female from behind. Understandably, he is keenly focused on his masculine duties and grimacing from the effort.
Now observe the female quickly swivel her head and face the male. With the obligatory "Oh" face on, she raises his desire by giving him a look of fear and submission.
Accordingly, the male increases the force and rate of his actions.
Next, to ensure the survival of herself and progeny, she completes her feminine responsibilities of the mating ritual (i.e., without warning, she strikes with her razor-sharp teeth and voraciously feasts 'Praying Mantis Style' on his face and head!).
Finally, as another example of nature's wonderful and beautiful mysteries, we see the headless male's spasmodic body pass on his genetic lineage before releasing the female and collapsing to the ground.
Nothing is wasted in nature. And the male's carcass will provide the female with a few convenient, concentrated, and complete meals that she can eat now - and then later within the privacy and safety of her secluded and spacious cave-dwelling.
Like all of her kind, her standard of living and survival depends on her ability to collect as many resources, in the shortest amount of time, from a large cadre of males eager to be her future mate...
...and thank-you for watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."
Again. Very strange, no?
Teleporting back to reality, I am now watching my girlfriend's lips moving. Nodding my head in agreement, I make a mono-syllabic grunt and act like I am still listening.
Imagine that?
Submitted for your free moments to ponder...
By JaiChai
About the Author:
He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water. He spend his days on an island paradise with his daughter, longtime girlfriend, and his three dogs.
