Smashing the Patriarchy is hard, even for men. Non-men fight it in groups. Men mostly fight it alone, as much outside of themselves as inside.
I would know, having done my fair share of it and getting nowhere. I don't regret doing it, though. I'd like to think I'm better off for having done it, but it did make me realise the extent of my inadequacies and how much more work I have to do if I'm ever to feel comfortable being a contributing member of society again.
I used to fight the good fight on a regular basis. However, what I found is that three things happened:
1. Those at whom my messages were directed either ignored me or got fragile and defensive, hurled playground insults and unoriginal names like "beta cuck soy boy" (one of my favourite bits of idiocy). They did not see reason and do any introspection.
2. I was preaching to the choir. Those that already knew that what I said and wrote had merit would support me.
3. Nothing changed. Those pushing for change kept pushing for change and those who were bigots stayed bigots.
What did, change, however, is that I'd end up angry, frustrated, upset and drained of any energy for doing the things required for getting through my life, doing what I needed to to keep going. It was as meaningful and valuable as tilting at windmills. There came a point where I realised that and had to make a judgement call and pick my battles. If the only things that I "achieve" are having a negative impact on my own mental health and picking up a few followers from oppressed minorities, it's not worth it, not even if they read my writings and tip generously. This is about principles and justice, not money. I was being more a fool than those with whom I clashed. Now, of course, I realise that not everyone has the privilege of making that choice. I do, so I took it and continue to take it. There is often a choice between doing what is easy and what is right. Since I know the cost of doing what is right, I'm taking the easy way out. I block and move on (or I stay off the sites with the toxic communities for as long as I can help it). If this upsets you or you think less of me for the realisations I've had and the choices I've made, then you are free to block me too. There's no shame in it. We've all got to decide when to do what's in our own interests and when to fight for the greater good, rights and well-being of the people about whom we care.
Sure, that approach doesn't change anything for the better, but neither does human nature. People are always going to learn to fear, hate and discriminate against each other. Most of us are not interested in unlearning that. That's not going to change.
Sure, you can accuse me of having gone back into Patriarchy and being a bad man, if you like, if you think everything's black and white and those who aren't actively working to be part of the solution are part of the problem. (I'm not going to try dissuade you if false dichotomies are your thing.) Oh, if only it were that simple. [Insert sardonic/wry smile from me here.] My efforts to change have left me in the middle, since I've not gone far enough to successfully cross the chequer board. The Patriarchy won't have me back, because I'm "a traitor to my gender", whatever that means and I'm also "not a true Feminist". (I'm not a true Scotsman, either, despite my ancestry.)
Don't get me wrong here; I'm not categorically stating that I won't get back up and fight the good fight at some unspecified point in the future, but I know that it's a losing battle and I don't have the requisite determination nor strength for facing overwhelming odds when I can easily choose not to. I'm only one man (and fallible at that). I can only do so much and I have done it. It hasn't solved the problem, so I need a new approach, but I don't know what that is. I'm not giving up on solving it, just on an approach that isn't working and I don't yet have an alternate one. Maybe I should ask a trusted woman or two.
Now, I'm off to learn some more PHP, because that seems like a practical use of my energy in comparison to contesting near-innumerable relentless hordes of homophobic, misogynistic, transphobic and/or theistic dudebro idiots.
Snark out!
Post thumbnail: Photo by Pixabay on Pexels
