"The same old story, told again. The same beginning and the same end. We talk in circles; let us out!"
 — The Black Hotels; No Sign of Science; Honey Badger

Urgh. I really, desperately need to find and hold down a job, because I am beyond sick and tired of having the same old circular conversations that go nowhere, being accused of cruising or idle when almost all I do (apart from the tedious non-paid shit that keeps a life going) is try to bring in money, somehow, by various means (or thinking up ways to do so) and getting nowhere (not that that's anything new). It's just not good enough, because every month I'm scrambling to pay my bills and cover my basic living expenses, never mind replace my worn clothes or old and dodgy car battery that I've known for months needs to go. I'm beyond sick and tired of posting about it (and you're probably sick of reading about it, not that I blame you), but here we go around again, once more with feeling.

All going well, now that I'm on new meds that are meant to keep my mental health shit (circadian rhythms and crowd-induced anxiety, depression, fear of failure, mood fluctuations, et cetera) under control, I might actually not just find a job (which isn't the most difficult part) but keep it for more than a few months. I'm not hugely hopeful, though, given both my history over the last three years and more, plus how tough it is to get back on the employment ladder after falling/jumping off it so long ago, for all the good that did me (not that the job market is great to begin with; looking overseas might be better if I could afford to renew/replace my passport and travel).

I'm definitely mediocre most of the time at best, with rare flashes of brilliance.

The fundamental problem with my ideas and efforts, as far as I can tell, is that they're mine, because I don't know how to turn them into lucrative and viable action (or I'm not sufficiently motivated to). I've not got the knowledge or skills to market them or myself to the extent that's necessary. I'm not as good at charm or positive persuasion as I need to be. I've also not kept up with the changing industry in which I'm supposedly an expert (but now more like an obsolete dinosaur). It doesn't help that I get distracted easily and don't finish what I start (for which I wasn't able to get new pills, despite being on a Ritalin generic). My true skills seem to be beating myself up and generally sabotaging myself. Nobody's going to employ me to do that.

I also realised, long ago that I don't have a support system or anyone on whom I can rely (including myself, since I am my harshest critic) and I'm basically the only person whom actually gives a fuck about me, instead of what I can provide or how I can be used to someone else's benefit. C'est la vie, as the old folks say. The world is not a cold dead place, but it often seems like it to me.

Having/setting aside enough time and managing it effectively in order to get things done is something that happens to other people; I'm forever running out of it. The fact that I've writ three posts today doesn't help; shit's gone neglected. On that cheerful note, it's time to take the pills that have me falling asleep early and waking up late despite my best (but definitely feeble) efforts to fight them/myself and rise early in the unlikely event I'll get at least the majority of the day's tasks done. Still, I shall fight to see another day (ad infinitum, ad tedium, until my situation is better). Snark out!

"Only going forwards" is what I keep saying. "Only going back" is what I mean. Something haunts my dreams.

Tilling my own grave to keep me level

Thumbnail image: Photo by Kelly on Pexels