I will be the one to make you crawl,
So I came down to wish you an unhappy birthday.
Someone call the ambulance;
There's gonna be an accident!
⸺ Hewitt, Olsdal & Molko/Placebo; "Infra-Red"; Meds (2006)
I can't accept gifts bought with fiat; there's something not right, morally dubious/repugnant about that. I'm not taking the bait, giving in to the temptation to literally buy back into consumer capitalism and its obligations, especially so soon after I've had to admit defeat and use fiat to settle my loans, acts which substantially decrease my potential for investing in crypto and benefitting therefrom. So no, I'm not taking the bait this time or any more. I'd rather go hungry than get tangled up in the strings attached, the obligations.
My house-mates and family spurn, minimise and dismiss my efforts to reach a state of financial freedom (and help them to do so too) because these don't meet their expectations/parameters for what's acceptable, then expect me not to do the same with yours. They've done it my entire life, with all the hopes and dreams I've had and held dear, considered important/worthy of my time and energy. They don't see how incredibly mean, insulting, unkind and hurtful that is (from people who claim to love me and expect me to believe that they do, no less), because you don't see me for me (who I really am and in what I believe); you never will. It's taken me a while to realise that, but it still hurts like hell. I still feel betrayed and unappreciated, over-looked. They're too full of their own preconceived ideas of how I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be like. This will not change. One cannot pour water into a glass that is already full.
It's not just this morning's attempt to tempt me back into bondage and subjugation; it's an accumulation of crap over the course of my life, since I took their advice and started to think for myself, to analyse the way the world works. Unfortunately for them, what they meant was "think like us and be like us;' we're not like the madding crowd". Well, folks, I'm an anarchist. You're spineless liberals at best (never mind your casual homophobia, racism and transphobia you swear up and down that you don't have or engage in); I'm not fooled, because you can't bullshit a bullshitter.
The latest incident has been abortive attempts at discussion(s) about cryptocurrency, but the problem's more general than that. It happens when I try to talk about any of my "crazy, wild and fanciful" ideas, which get dismissed/rejected out of hand because these don't fit with their experiences or world view. They hear me when I speak/attempt to express myself/communicate and acknowledge that I have, but they don't listen.
Mom and Dad, this is why I'm so angry with you, why I generally don't talk to you or share things with you, tell you the truth unless I absolutely have to: You're not receptive to it/me. It's why I never went to you (or authority) for help when I was abused, over and over, didn't trust you to do so. But all of this is just lies to you, so convinced that you were good parents because then you don't have to face the ugly truth.
You claim you'll listen to me if/when I have something important to say, but I know, from experience, that you won't. Yet, you still can't understand why I'm not honest with you, can't ask for help from others when I need it. At least, when I spout BS, we both know that I'm lying (instead of you making false accusations). But I'm a grown man (at least, in theory, anyway); I shouldn't still have to be defending myself. So yeah, I'm a man baby with deep-seated transference issues regarding my self-worth, motivation and the trustworthiness of other people. OK, Boomer! Yes, I've stuffed my life up, sitting waiting for other people to take the opportunities I gave them show up for me when they never had any intention to. I'll admit that much, and shame on me for being so naïve, not learning my lesson sooner. But it's not all on me; it's not all my fault (no matter what you say).
I could believe you, but I don't.
You say you will;
I know you won't.
I was wrong,
I was wrong to ever doubt.
I can get along without.
I can love my fellow man,
But I'm damned if I'll love yours.
In a bar that's always closing,
In a world where people shout,
I don't wanna talk this over,
I don't wanna talk it out!
⸺ Andrew Eldritch/The Sisters of Mercy; "I Was Wrong"; Vision Thing (1990)
Do you know why I hate birthdays, St. Valentine's Day, Easter, Christmas and New Years' Day? Well, let me lay it out for you. Coupled with the fact that they're so horribly commercialised, they remind me that another year has passed and I've done fuck-all with my life, nothing of which I'm proud. That's not something to celebrate, for which to "reward" me with the entrapment of consumer capitalism. There's a reason "gift" is German for "poison".
This year is going to be different, if I can help it. I'm finally using my talents (writing) to earn me freedom (crypto). I'm determined to make a go of it, to find my independence and live my life on my own terms, to live and do as I please, away from you and your pessimistic negativity and bullshit, your mental armor that drags me down. I want to get out of this house that's not my home, so that I can live a quiet life with no alarms and no surprises, have my thousand days of solitude to read my books and write my memoir. I don't care if I never see my family again! I've had enough of other people's bullshit, my own included. I'll miss my dogs, though. That's the part that hurts the most.