Cypher fans we love y’all! We all know Satoshi is the perfect international ghost for Bitcoin. Clearly he's Japanese, yet all the clues point to the UK, but ya know he’s a Merican!!!
What countries claim bragging rights to the rest of the shower of Altcoins? Using modern research methods and a vague grasp of olympic country eligibility rules, let’s run those numbers!!! we give one medal per top nine altcoins by market cap from Coingecko as of today.
Following Bitcoin’s tri-continental star of Satoshi we move to big #2 with a bullet, ETH. Vitalik Buterin, the all star. We love him, he loves Doge, he loves kitty cats:
Probably playing for Canada as he just loved his schooling there, but Vitalik could lead with his spooky Russian good looks and bring the medals home to papa Putin in Russia. But maybe not, since Russia is currently proposing hard labor for cryptophiles. Of course, the surreal success of ETH, and the futuristic plans for continued world dominition, maybe Vitalik could be playing for the Star Trek team.
Score : one medal for Canada. Or maybe Russia. Or maybe the Interstellar Federation, who clearly live to defend ETH with a phaser.
Next, Tether: born in Santa Monica, we give team credit here to Brock Pierce, inventor of the precursor Realcoin and strangely enough, child star from The Mighty Ducks. Ya can’t make this stuff up kids. Well, we could make up boring old tether. But let’s show the love - tether is printing dollars for 74 cents, why that’s approaching fiat power!!! One medal for team California.
fourth in the top ten -XRP - ripple labs, that’s the American idiot Jed McCaleb.
Jeb loses style points for building the very hackable Mt Gox. A cheesy card trading tech system / hugely valuable crypto hub oopsie. Jeb might escape blame as he sold Mt. Gox before it cratered, but not from us, he knew that system was crap!
But inarguably, Ripple brings home a medal for Merica. OR DOES IT? the real innovator for XRP seems to have been Ryan Fugger, who cut his teeth doing exchange software in Canada. Score: one more medal for Merican idiots. Or, maybe, polite Canadians.
Fifth in market cap we find Bitcoin cash. We could blame Bitcoin Jesus his own self, Roger Ver for this hot mess of a chitcoin. But really BCH was driven by Bitmain, the power play by the strongest ( Chinese) miners. Half a medal to China!!! Roger is a fine native of Silicon Valley. Sold fireworks on Ebay, did jail, moved to Japan, CEO of Bitcoin.com. We would say another American Idio- but wait ! Roger has renounced his USA citizenship and now plays for Saint Kitts, who does have a very stylish flag:
So half a medal to China, and half a medal to Saint Kitts, maybe, or California.
sixth on the hit parade- Bitcoin SV. The culprit, er athlete, here is Craig Wright. Craig is not Satoshi, despite his claims. Nor is SV Satoshi’s version, but we do know Craig is totally from OZ!! Throw a medal on the barbie for our hard charging , self aggrandizing, impossible lie telling friends from down under, Australia is on the board.
International travel tip for fintech workers - if ever you are in a party in any part of the world ( usually besides Oz) and you realize that only Australians are left at the party, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, you are a drunk man walking. Score: one for the Sheilas and roos.
Coming in at #7 - crowd favorite, litecoin !!
Easy to decide who this is - the one and only Mr. Charlie Lee. Mr. Lee is rocking two beaver rings from MIT graduations. Charlie might play for the USA, maybe even east coast and not Cali!
Can never have too many pictures of this giant winner. Charlie sold all his LItecoin to avoid conflict of interest. We hope he sold it to his brother for one dollar to hold, but we need not worry about Charlie's wallet. Charlie and his brother Bobby hail from the Ivory Coast and could wave that not very stylish, Irish flag hung up backwards ??!! flag. Euro flags, along with the Ivory Coast, tend to be so boring. It's like they discourage nationalism. .
But let’s remember Charlie's brother Booby Lee started and ran BTCC, once the largest crytpto exchange in China. Which makes us think maybe the Lees have Chinese parents and could be eligible under chitcoin Olympic rules to play for the big red machine. Score: one medal for the Ivory Coast. Or USA. Or China.
#eight in the pantheon is BNB. Binance coin! At last another non clone chitcoin! Again very clear who brings home the medal, less clear where home is. ChangPeng Zhao is the man behind Binance, the world crushing exchange. Born in China, Zhao's professor daddy was branded a "pro bourgeois" intellect and hounded, he moved the fam to Canada and worked at McDonalds to escape. But Zhao went back east to Japan and then China to start Binance. When China banned crypto exchanges, Zhao packed up and fled to Japan. And Taiwan. And Jersey, and Malta... Binance, like Jesus is everywhere. So, SCORE: one medal for China. Or Canada. Or perhaps Japan or Taiwan or ???
Getting close to our top ten, we find at number nine - EOS. The competitor to TRON. A few months ago, EOS was sitting pretty at number seven. We could call this one for Merica, based on CEO Brendan Blumer and main man Danny Larimer. Then again, block.one created the EOS ICO from the Cayman Islands. Which meant when he went to court in Merica for an unauthorized 4 Billion $$$ ICO, they paid a measly 24MM to drop ALL the charges. AND WHAT a stylish flag to fly off yer mega yacht:
That flag: a designer from Ralph Lauren had a stern talking to the Union Jack design team! Love it!
Now tho EOS has been centralized and vote harvested, and now we can say the medal for EOS goes to China. Locally, we were sad to see EOS Dublin pushed out, along with E0S Detroit and others that once made money as nodes but failed to get votes from the Chinese whales that piled in. Score: One medal for China. Or the Cayman Isles. Or Merica.
Finishing our Olympic world cypher history tour, at #ten we find Tezos, the Proof of Stake consensus powerhouse. Born from an ICO in Switzerland, might have to fly the Swiss flag! OR, it is an M.I.T. licence, Merican? Plus, Arthur Breitman, the real creator, was French but moved to Manhattan. Then again, the despicable Johan Gevers, a South African, moved to Switzerland where he stacked the board and took a lot of the money. Score: one medal to China. Or Switzerland. Or France. Or South Africa, another stylin flag.
So Cryptofans, where does that leave us? What IS the chitcoin medal count by country?
America clearly has one medal for Tether, but arguably that might be all. We could see scoring as many as four for China. And strongly three for Canada. Definitely one for Australia, possible singletons for The Caymans, Saint Kitts, Ivory Coast, France, Japan, the UK, the Federation, etc. Or we could claim the count for Merica with as many as seven out of nine. What do y'all think ? Judges decisions are not final, as only the athletes can state where their allegiances lie.
All the love in the huge wide world, in the spirit of the Olympics for all mankind in peace,