Cryptonauts, we love ya !! As does the crypto market cap sitting at 1.2 trillion baby!!
What bias and spin in the pink lady today? Madness on the front page THAT's for sure TLDR: the Swiss blow 50 billy bailing out ONE BANK!! Just ONE sector of the stock market dives a HALF TRILLION !! Inflation caused by the central banks ( looking at YOU BofE) is CRUSHING lives!! & lord bumblefuddy says "the adults are back in charge" AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Well, maybe. A RARE positive bitcoin headline makes dead trees: TLDR: Still has that scary red subliminal tho. We remember equity trading guys who banned red PENS from the trading floor, bet yer arse the FT knows what they are doing here. Re-reading the story we laughed at before: this time at least the FT hints at the money flowing out of banks and into crypto. Still, one TURD stands out:
OH look, even tho BTC is up, it's getting kicked out of the US. (#$&#$(*$#& !!! Get a REAL crypto reporter, FT!! The US has more people holding crypto and more total crypto dollars than ANYONE ANYWHERE!!! Jerks like you can fiddle your thumbs but the tide is RISING baby!! BTC sittin pretty above 27K!! Time for a hair band one hit wonders!! TURN UP THE BTC VOLUME BABY TLDL: ahh that's better. & lets not forget the beauty of the FT: There's stories about life going on swimmingly for the super rich. Wonderful homes, the old fine whiskey investment cliche, stunning art shows around the world
TLDR: it's true!! Our nephew came to live with us in NYC after our sister passed. We dragged him to some art, he was like "WHY??" & we were like "cuz it makes your brain work better!!" He's kicking arse now, it must have worked.
Meanwhile back to crypto: remember, if you touch crypto, not only will you be taxed but your hand will turn black!!! ar ar ar !! NASTY subliminals STRAIGHT from the FT!!
Don't forget cheering for the fiat war machine!!
OK, back to live action. Laughing at SVB!!! This spaz often somehow just forgot to have a chief risk officer. Cuz, y'know, if he had a real one, who was not focused on safe spaces, they might have said something he did not want to hear.
The FT defends all the woke management, but even they have to sneak in a laugh: TLDR: and makes a "birth of the cool" reference, which is in fact pretty chilly, you go girl!! A coworker once lived in an apartment that Miles Davis was thrown out of (for many good reasons.) We met his landlord, and we shook the hand that had to throw Miles out!! Yeah, we would have rather shaken Miles' hand... don’t worry tho Miles got over, loads of free rent and never paid damages
That's it for print!! Online??
TLDR: the cryptofinancial thingie posed late and we forgot to wade thru the muck laughing!! Just LOOK at this classic misframing job!! and full on negative subliminal graphics!! How The $#(#$&#(* can anyone say CRYPTO nearly died after the central banks' eff ups & massive inflation destroyed banks? ah HA HA HA HA HA!! Man, we just feel BAD for the FT. They should pay for some actual, real crypto reporters!!
OH... there it is!! TLDR: we KNEW these idiots could NOT quit saying "not so stablecoins" ar ar ar ar oo0000!! Plus it's funny, they say that most trading is done alt-coin to stablecoin like that's a BAD thing - EVERYONE knows that just keeps the spreads tight!! ah ha HA HA HA!!
A quote from the idiot Dante, the CSO at Circle who left Circle exposed to this slow rolling crisis, says it was like the Cuban missile crisis ah HA HA HA!! The TRUTH is Circle could have just tanked on down and everyone would have jumped off, & crypto would keep on rolling !! The FT digs up some out of touch prof to say USDC depegging is a huge red flag for the entire crypto industry AR AR AR !! no, the 50 billion bailout by the Swiss gummint, and the second largest bank failure in the US, THOSE are red flags for the entire central bank and banking system ar ar ar ar oooOOOOO!!! Don't even WORRY about CRYPTO, it's LEX, the law of the market!! Pretty simple, even y'all know it just won't focus on it - banking stocks DOWN half a trillion! Crypto market UP over 1.2 trillion!!!
The FT does make one hidden funny. It's OK for Gary to bash the chit outta Paxos's BUSD, but now USDC is TOO BIG TO FAIL AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
In unrelated boring negative focused crypto hack jobs:
ChipMixer got taken down for AML.
Euler Finance got hacked - hey, life in the wild west.
The flying monkey lawyers who have taken over FTX are having a gay old time figuring out who else they can sue for 5k per hour per monkey. This time they are suing influencers!!! The good news - BIT BOY is one of them !! cmon that's funny!!
The FT touches one serious issue; This is a nasty political habit. Unelected bureaucrats attack institutions without passing a law, or facing an election. It is never anything but bad news and unconstitutional.
Finally, the FT DOES mention the rise and rise of Tether!! We had to force add it to the last few go-rounds!! TLDR: We've had it on our bingo card IN PRINT since LAST AUGUST!!!!
Dear readers know the market has been fleeing from USDC to USDT since Circle self-censored over Tornado adjacent wallets!! The FT tries to close with a socko scary graph, but they JUST CAN'T PRAISE Tether like that, it would hurt them too much!! Here, we will force add the correct graph - NOT in the FT - the RISE & RISE & RISE of Tether TLDR: yes that's right, up & AWAY!!!!! MOAR THAN ten biliion in market cap in less than 90 days!!
Instead, the FT prints this lame graph - doesn't look NEARLY as strong: ahh, the spin, the lying & cheating and stealing!! It's like a bad country song!! Do they even ever see themselves!!
That's it, intrepid crypto adventurers!! We are all caught up with the hallucinations of the tradfi elite!! Go forth and prosper!!
Please please refer a friend !! We love y'all!!