By everestbits | everestbits | 22 Mar 2019

“I am so sorry, I gotta end it, I can’t carry on, the weight on me is too heavy to bear, I am sorry family, I am weak and worthless, the world is better without me. Another day is another pain for me, another day is another episode of agony, depression and unbearable stress. I will die anyway, I choose the easier way”. These were the words I penned down as a justification for my suicide plan. I had lost my girlfriend whom I loved so dearly and much more than I had earlier realized. I was broke, broken, jobless and empty. On every blink, I silently whispered “Fuck!, hell fuck!”. My facebook posts and Whatsapp statuses were evident that I was battling some alien shit. But y’all probably didn’t notice and called it mere emotion. Did I have to be more explicit? Y’all I was fuckin’ dying. I authored my posts with a little censorship because I didn’t want someone to get so close. I was lonely but still wanted to be alone. I battled a million voices that suggested suicide. I was convinced that staying alive was condemning myself to everlasting distress.  My affection had authored affliction. I was mentally broken and the world was crashing on me, I could neither sleep nor eat. I felt judged, I felt misunderstood, I felt betrayed and disowned by the very person that had promised otherwise. I was in mental agony. Everyone I talked too was quick to judge me and call me names, I felt stupid. “Everest stop stressing. Hmmm, just a mere girl and you’re this stressed and fucked up? Get yo ass up and have a life. You know, I admire you, the way you do things, I know there’s a bright future ahead of you. You’re intelligent and blab la……” Men all I could hear was suckers throwing flatters at me, the reality I am worthless. I was mad in my own sense. In my mind it made perfect sense that I had lost everything. I didn’t want a nice car, I didn’t want a mansion nor a trip to Ibiza. I had lost my fuckin’ girlfriend, my first love, my eternity, just like the promises was written and often said. I had already planned every minute of my life around her, but now “Shes’s fuckin’ blind to see all this.She was gone. Don’t leave me alone I beg! “ so I said in whisper and in text. Men I was fucked, stressed out, weak and depressed. I didn’t know what to do with my life. My heart was squashed and I could feel it bleed.  In silence I could hear the fractured fragments off my heart dumping on my diaphragm. I had never tasted alcohol in my life (Yes I was way over 18 J), I thought to myself, “there’s a 1st time for everything, I guess this is the day I get to taste on brew. I took so much of it, but the more I took it the more my problems got vivid. The more I drank, the more it sank.


Next day, I visited the doctor and I was diagnosed with anxiety. Not the word anxiety you always use on a daily, this was ‘fucking anxiety’. He prescribed me drugs and on my way home, I was convinced, these were mere pain killers oba, so just like alcohol, they won’t sort me out. I threw them down the gutter drain. I was fade up with life and all its intricacies. I was slowly dying in this convolution. I started to bleed through my nose due to extreme stress. Vains all over my body popped out and I could hear the flow of blood and taste of death. I could neither watch a movie nor listen to my favorite songs, all this generated the memories I was dying from. By now, I was irrational. I started to write my first suicide notes. I held a knife several times and pointed it at myself. I had a small mirror at the time that only showed my face. I would look in the mirror and hate what I was seeing. I wanted to push the knife through myself but I was hell scared. “What if I don’t die? Will I have to be hospitalized? Oh fuck no!! That’s more pain….” At this time I needed a tool that delivered certainty.  I wanted a sure-die-try. I thought, Poison would be perfect, so I went out for it. Fortunately, all the shops I went to in my area didn’t sell rat poison. I used to ask for it with a smile. I didn’t want anyone to ask following questions, but again, I could feel as though they’all understood why I needed it. I decided I would go to town for it. I was so weak by then, so I decided to first rest and generate more energy for my last trip. I decided to listen to the most controversial Hiphop music I had on my playlist. I played from Hopsin to Pusha T, Dave East and then Joyner Lucas. I had not listened to much of Joyner but his song “I’am not racist” played good. I dag in for more and boom there was “I’m sorry”. This song was my therapy. The ending was therapeutic. I was rejuvenated and here is why. Joyner asked the dead Brodie inside the casket, “Are you fucking happy right now?, Did you get what you wanted?, Isn’t this what you wanted?....”.


I started to ask myself questions like, “What if my soul doesn’t find peace even after this! What if I turn into one of these angry spirits that’s always torturing people, a very angry stressed spirit!” I could hear Joyner asking, “Did you get what you wanted? How could you be so selfish?”. I was hell scared to hold the plan, I had to abort. I figured that I had no option but to live on and let death come naturally. I offered myself to time for healing and with time, the suicidal voices faded and so did the memories. I knew the devil was defeated. True to God’s promise, my life only became better after that.

Unfortunately, I picked up a bipolar disorder for I still move from mood highs to mood lows. I will lose rational judgement when I’m in my highs and get skeptical about pretty much everything. But overall, I am glad to be alive and glad that God didn’t let me do it.

Today, I woke up to the sad story of fellow Basalirwa Addy Arthur. His story made me emotional because I could clearly relate. So I decided to create awareness about depression. Depression is real. Plus, He (Basalirwa) had also posted the Video from Joyner Lucas “I am sorry”. I wish Basalirwa picked the message in the song rather than the mere vibe. I’m so saddened that no one was able to interpret the signs. It’s too late and we now eulogize.

Depression is far from the usual word you hear. Anxiety is much more than the common word we use. Depression can rise from anything, and never judge a depressed person. We all have our limits to what we can afford to lose or carry. But we always need that 1 person that will be there to show that they understand us and also give us those explicit reasons not to do it.

Say no to suicide, read and interpret the signs. The earlier you intervene the better. And don’t let them the chance to be alone even when that’s what they prefer.

Suicide isn’t committed by stupid people. Everyone is a candidate, but everyone has their own weakness. To some, it’s love, others it’s money, others its dignity and so many other things. Be slow to assume that if someone has a lot of money, cars and a pretty much figured out life style, they will not commit suicide. You can have all that and still lose a meaning to life. Money is just numbers, but peace is priceless.




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