"I think Kaile doesn't mind either way, " Kai Wei, my platoon mate confidently announced his assessment of me when asked to guess which members of the section had opted to reshoot the combat shoot.

"Hey, I wanted to reshoot!" I protested but secretly wondered if my easy-going demeanour was so apparent to someone whom I had only met for the third time and not for an extended period of interaction either.

But I could see where Kai Wei was coming from. Hell, I surprised myself too by wanting to reshoot. My track record prior to this combat shoot wasn't exactly what one would call glamourous. My Officer Commanding once half-chided in exasperation, ""Your scores for your various trials are so random that I don't know what to make of them". Now, not only was I a bobo shooter but I was an inconsistent bobo shooter. So inconsistent that my experienced Officer Commanding couldn't think of ways to redeem my performance, much as he wanted to boost the number of men who attained marksman for their ATP.

His words were so impactful that I was rather nervous when I knew that this In-Camp Training only comprised rifle training. Of course, I had passed the conversion course to SAR21 two years ago but 1. when you are fast approaching 30, two years feels like half a generation, 2. let's not mince our words, we all know how idiot-proof these SAF tests are and 3. I had still never handled SAR21 in a live firing and was particularly concerned that I would choke if I had to rectify IAs on the spot. My hands shaking, leading to a misfire--not a pretty thought.

But somehow I didn't hyperventilate and marched out there to do my day combat shoot, along with the rest of my section mates. Maybe it was the nod Jie Wen cast my way before we commenced the fire-and-movement. I did need time to adjust; I took too long to focus and fired off my last shoot just as the target board was coming down during my first station.

Aside from that lone shot, I got the rest of them in the bag. 19/20.

My section's combined score? 117/140. Not spectacular, true but still eligible for marksmanship.

Our night shoot was when our hearts got broken for the first time. Directly after our shoot, we were informed that we missed the requirement for marksmanship by only 3 shoots. Which was ironic, because one of us returned 3 live rounds due to an IA. He promptly apologised for that, feeling that he had let the section down while we pooh-poohed his apology aside, valiantly stating that no one was to be blamed, that it was fate that we didn't get marksmanship.

My dejection felt more raw because what if I had been the bobo shooter who got a single digit for his night shoot and dragged the entire section down with him? It's surreal--this kind of emotional ambivalence that I felt. On the one hand, I wished desperately for someone to announce our individual scores so that I could know how I had screwed up and started apologising profusely to my section. On the other hand, I prayed that the scores would never be announced so that no one would ever find out who the "culprit" was.

That's why I surprised myself (and Kai Wei) by replying in the affirmative when our section huddled together and Jie Wen asked each of us if we ought to fight for an opportunity for a reshoot. By wanting another opportunity to improve my shooting score rather than dismiss it altogether. And I sounded quite assertive about it too.

The reshoot felt so nervewracking that I wondered what the heck I had let myself in for. Nonetheless, I breathed and shot and did what I could. I thought I shot better.

An officer announced that we attained marksmanship, to our obvious euphoria. It really felt like one of those movies in which the underdogs persevered and fought hard and eventually triumphed, winning the state championship or whatsoever. I, for one, definitely felt great that I didn't succumb to nerves.

This tale should have ended here but in yet another ironic twist of fate, it was announced the next day that our section had not attained marksmanship after all. The officers had miscalculated the score. In fact, we performed worse than our first shoot.

I got 13/20 for our night shoot, so I wasn't the weakest link. Phew. Though as relieved as I was, my heart got shattered all over again. I'm not kidding or being dramatic. I don't even know why I care that we attain marksmanship; it is definitely not because of the $200. Maybe, as a typical Singaporean who's accustomed to (external) validation, I just wanna feel that our whole day's labour wasn't in vain after all.

Though I didn't get financially rewarded, I quite enjoyed this experience for making me feel like a part of a team, a larger entity. It's nice to feel that we literally charged forward and as one, in hopes to attain a dream. And not having chiong sua-ed together with my section mates during their active days, it's gratifying to know that finally, I had a shared experience with them.

"Now that you're a part of our section, maybe next ICT you should sleep in our bunk,"

This feeling of solidarity? Priceless