88 Days

Life is intolerable without you. It's been 88 days since you were taken from me. 

It's been 88 days and I want you to know how much I love you. You were my night and my day and my reason to be a better person.

The only reason that I am glad that you aren't here is that I don’t want you to know how devastated and broken I am without you.

It's been 88 days and I cry for you each and every one. I cry randomly. I don’t even try to stop it. Everyone who knew you understands, and everyone else doesn't matter.

I dread driving now. I look at the back seat and picture how you used to sit there. I can't listen to the radio anymore. Every song on the radio reminds me of us. There is no us now, just me.

I drive in my car, the tears flow down my cheeks. I avoid the backroads we used to take. I tried once, but when I looked out the window I saw shadows that were just your shape.

I walk up and down the sidewalks freely crying. The tears rolling down while I gasp for breath. I don't even care who sees. I don't care who thinks that I am crazy. I cry and I gasp and I think about you. It's been 88 days. 

I'm glad that you don't see me taking risks. I'm glad that you can't notice that every time I pass a car at night I let the car drift to the left. I wouldn't want to set a bad example for you.

As weird as it sounds, sometimes, for a brief moment, I forget that you are gone. I wake up, excited to spend the day with you. You aren't there, of course. It's like losing you all over again. How many times can I do this?

When I'm grocery shopping, I put things into the cart that you would want. It makes me feel like you are waiting at home for me. But of course, you're not, and never will be again. I shove the food I bought you to the back of the pantry and cry. 

How could this even happen? The statistics don't support it. Why am I still here? It's been 88 days and I don't understand it. 88 Years could pass and I still wouldn't understand. But at least, by then, we will be together again. 

How can I live like this for 20, 30, 40 more years? Nothing to look forward to, no future, just looking at the past. Hanging on to all of the memories made with you. 

I sleep too much. I sleep every chance I get in the hopes that we will meet again in my dreams. It's been 88 days, and I would give everything that I have for just 8 more minutes with you.