Dear Diary,
It has been a hard week because more people are getting sick, and there is a very long list of people waiting to take the Exam, if they pass they will get a certificate to prove that they are not faking and should actually be allowed to stay home and watch Netflix all day and have their meals made for them and slid under the door and the shops are nearly all sold out of flat foods because of this. I don’t want to get sick because the thought of eating a lasagne slid under the door layer by layer is heart-breaking. I am also afraid that the governments are using this as an opportunity to discriminate against people and take away our human rights to cough our way through the Gooseberry section of Tesco and the 2 metres between people rule will stay in place after the Viral Campaign as part of the #MeToo movements ridiculous insistence on peoples right to personal space and body autonomy which means they want to turn us into robots that can’t touch each other any more and even if we try we won’t be able to feel anything anymore.
I’ve been reading the newses a bit and decided to write down the different ways countries are dealing with the Viral Campaign, because it has brought the world together as one love, humanities reaction is a beautiful thing to behold, it puts the “we” in VirUS.
VirU.S.
Donald Trump is currently the Non-Native American President of the Kind-of-United States in Americas. Originally, he was confused and thought that having a lower number of cases was a bad thing so he tried to make sure that everyone in the country had an equal opportunity to shake the Viral’s hand and get a selfie taken with him, and that he’d been asked to play the Viral in a Hollywood film about his life but he declined because he didn’t think he could play a convincing Chinaman. But then he remembered he was the foremost expert in Virals in all the countries and that the big numbers were bad just like Golf, and it was an easy mistake to make because he had a lot going on right now so give him a break and stop being petty at a time like this.
He signed a deal to print 2.2 trillions of dollars into the economy to help with the Campaign, but experts say there is a shortage of equipments, so I think they should use that money to buy 3D printers to print new equipments, problem solved.
VirUK
The United Queendoms of Britain announced that they would like to save time and money so they have sped up their implementation of their plan to do nothing and stand very still and hope the Viral doesn’t see them, so they can move on to the next phase of their plan quicker which is very clever. They call this plan “Heard Immunity”, which is when a person, people or government change their minds about divorcing their spouse(s) so they let a lot of the kids get sick and die so the spouse(s) will take pity on them and let them stay even though they said they definitely wanted to leave and are in the middle of the divorce.
As a way to show that this is nothing to worry about and the plan is a good one, the Primed Minister BJ Johnson exposed himself to the Viral* and put himself on lockdown in his inner-city terraced house where he has to start cutting his own hair and skyping his Eton chums for online games of Cards Against Humanity which is how they decide government policy anyway so it should be fine. To show they truly are Uniteds he asks all the Britainies to do the same.
ViruNK
North Korea have said they have 0 cases on their land because every citizen is good and clean, and also proving to other countries that people shouldn’t be allowed leave or come in in case they sneak the Viral over the border. They’re country is said to be a socialism but now that we all are doing Social Distancing, does that not mean that we were socialisms too and are just jealous because we don’t know how to do it properly to stop the Virus like Korea.
Japan were giving out about them firing explosion rockets into the sea a little bit too near we’re a bit busy right now and can’t come out to play thanks. But Kim Jong Un who is the king of Korea said he was looking with his binoculars and thought he saw the Virus in the sea getting close to the beach so he was only trying to help. Non-Native American President Donald Trump sent Kim a love letter to say that if he needed help with his zero cases or a new pair of binoculars or become the next Miss North Koreas, he can help because he is very good at Viral Campaigns.
El Corona Virus
(Spanish language for the Corona Virus)
Spain has been one of the countries hardest hit by the Campaign, probably because Corona is a Spanish word and they have been saying it and others for centuries of years without any regard for the effect it might have on humanity. People have been asked to stay inside their houses for a while because the governments are afraid they will all try to escape across the border to America before they get a chance to build their wall.
The world was in uproar today when news broke of Elderly People being left abandoned to die alone in Spain's Nursing Homes by the people who are supposed to love them and look after them but couldn’t be bothered because they are such a drag and they eat weird things like it’s still World War 2 and we only have one TV and they just want to watch sad old family videos to remind them of old times when someone cared about them. Only to be abandoned and left to die again by the kindly companies who own those homes and let them stay for basically free, but to be fair it is more economical sometimes to liquidate your assets so you can’t blame them really.
*The Viral now has sexyouall harassment case pending against BJ Johnson
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