Dear Diary,
It’s Mother’s day today and everyone’s in a panic because literally any petrol station that’s open between here and her house that sells flowers and chocolates on special offer left over from Valentimes Day refuses to do deliveries which is frankly ridiculous in this day and age. Many mothers are choosing to self-isolate today because they did the shopping yesterday and they are sick of being looted by their grown children on a weekly basis.
Priests have said it’s ok for the flock not to come to church if they don’t want to, and that god wouldn’t be angry at them for not showing up on the one day of the week they have to call round to his house, or for all the terrible sins they commit while they are in isolation. You can email your sins to [email protected] and they will reply with a list of penance to do, or you can chat to their AI Confessionary PriestBot*. For the duration of the Viral campaign they have also added some temporary commandments:
- “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours toilet roll and hand sanitizer”
- “Honour thy mother and thy father by not visiting them and definitely not guilting them into minding the children”
It was great to see everyone coming together today in the parks and beaches and mountains of the country to teach each other some great tricks on how to practice social distancing. It was a beautiful day, and everyone showed they really cared by coughing into the sky which we know is safer, and not touching their faces except if you do touch your face then the best thing to do is leave your finger touching your face so you don’t spread the campaign even further.
Why Coronavirus?
“Corona” is Spanish language for lady crown, and this Viral got her name because it is the queen of all virals, narrowly beating out Ebola in this year's Organism Olympics. But how did she become so popular so quickly? There is a lot of confusing out there so i’m going to try and fix your knowledge once and for all.
Some people say that this whole thing started because a man in China just had to have one more bowl of delicious Bat soup, and if that’s true it is so selfish, i wish people would just eat things that are safer and less disgusting like unfertilized eggs from the ovaries of birds or ground tasty flesh stuffed in an intestines (mmm taking a quick snack break).
Some also say that the governments have all got together to organise a way to take everyone’s freedoms away from them, Hollywoods provided the actors and special effects, but an accident happened on set like the set of The Crow where someone released the real virus instead of a pretend one (whoops!).
Others say that it’s the mother earth's way of saying “get off” because she is sick of us jumping up and down on her and leaving our sweet wrappers lying around.
The main theory that is scaring older people is that the campaign is man-made by youth people who have been plotting together on Tik-Tok for a while now to get rid of elders altogether because they don’t really understand the internet, most of the sweet wrappers lying around are theirs, and they don’t want to have to mind them when they can’t even recognise their own arms anymore and they forget that you’re supposed to do those things in a toilet.
It all started when a group of parents got tired of their kids having their own private lives and infiltrated snapchat by pretending to be other milleniums to see what they were up to. They saw them using the #KoBoomer hashtag and were very cross. The kids managed to convince them it was a typo though, and it was actually #OkBoomer which was a sarcasm that kids used to be rebels in front of other kids, which worked and distracted the Boomer’s for a while. But it was just masking a viscous plot to rid the world of anyone over 60 and possibly others because they are such a drain on the economies and don’t contribute anything meaningful.
Unfortunately this plan has now backfired because it hasn’t killed all the Boomers and it has just forced them into hiding where they have nothing to do but practice why they are called Baby Boomers in the first place, they will quietly build an army of new Boomers and when the campaign is over they will fight back.
So be kind to your elderlies, they were once people too, and even ex-presidents still get called President so lets give them a break, it’s easier now because you don’t have to see them or shudder when their wrinkles touch you or stomach the smell of all things long forgotten in their houses. Be generous to them, squirt hand sanitizer through their letterbox, send them back the socks they got you for all christmasses to use as toilet paper, post them a screenshot of a heart emoji you sent to someone you really love. Now you can just pretend to love them from a distance, it’s much easier to fool them that way.
*Your personal sins may be sold to a third-party for Marketing & Advertising purposes
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