Hey all :) Hope you're all doing well, getting what you need and feeling good about yourself.

Feeling good about yourself. That's not an easy task at times. I wonder how often people stop and say “Damn I like myself, I'm a great person and I love my life.”? I'm sure someone must, and actually mean it of course. Anyway, let's carry on from where we left off.

So I've decided to battle my depression and lack of self esteem with exercise, as opposed to drugs. Many years before this current life I was a very heavy weed smoker, so much so I ended up in hospital with a psychosis, I was there about a week. After I was released I was given anti depressants. They were horrible, I felt like a zombie, they also made controlling my bowel a challenge so I stopped taking them and I swear to God I will not use them again, they may work wonders for other people but for me they are just a way to lose my personality and increase the risk of shitting myself by about 300%. Neither is pleasant.

I noticed that when I was exercising I wasn't thinking of anything else, I was able to concentrate on the moment. All the noise dropped away and I was left with just counting reps and the satisfaction I've only ever experienced when all my energy is completely spent from physical activity. You know what else? Judge me all you want here but I also enjoyed how I looked when I was working out, which to me is a big deal because I grew up believing I was ugly, very ugly in fact. So much so I truly believed that no one could ever love me. Pretty full on yeah? Well plenty of kids out there feel that way right now as do plenty of adults, it's bullshit and those of us that tease and bully need to take a seriously hard look at themselves. In the case of kids the parents need to get their shit together and help a bully through whatever it is that is making them an arse.

So if you decide to go the route I followed then please, look at yourself in the mirror all you want, it's far better than avoiding your reflection.

I'd actually like you to start doing something every day, maybe after you clean your teeth, maybe whenever you feel like it. I want you to stand in front of a mirror and really look at yourself. Look yourself directly in the eye, study the lines and creases on your face. Say something nice if you want but the most important thing is to really look at yourself. That's you baby, that amazing creature looking back is you. When I'm seriously depressed I can't look anyone in the eye, I have no idea why I just can't. You may be the same, you may not. The thing with this exercise I feel, is if you can look yourself in the eye then chances are you will be able to meet the gaze of someone else. That's when good things start happening.

Exercise isn't an easy thing to start. It is physically demanding, it takes a certain level of commitment and it takes time. Time to complete a session and time to see the results, the physical results anyway. Mentally, for me, the difference was almost immediate. I felt alive, I felt strong, I felt that maybe I could have control of something even if that something was my own physicality. To take back your mind, your sense of ownership over yourself and your destiny; take control of your body. Don't worry about about giving up smokes, booze or dope for now, believe it or not the further along this path you get the more useless and ridiculous those vices are going to seem, you will eventually and quite naturally, quit.

I remember laying in bed, not quite asleep, not really awake, thinking about cigarettes. I'd been running for a few weeks and had upped my distance to maybe 2ks. The thought that kept bouncing around my poor addled brain was “Dump them, they are holding you back.” It took nearly three years to stop but I did it. That old nugget we often hear; Don't give up giving up is a nugget you should take to heart. Smokes are absolute bastards to give away but with help you will win that battle, seriously, talk to your Doctor.

Start your fitness journey small, don't go spending tons of money on equipment or a gym membership just yet, start too fast and chances are you will burn out within a week. Start slow, build up over time and adjust till you find what works for you. So for example, start your morning by doing ten squats and walking around the block, or a distance that you're comfortable doing. If you're already in reasonable shape then do 3 sets of 12 squats and run around the block. Lastly, for now anyway, you will really benefit form drinking more water. Get yourself a water bottle, preferably a nice one that you have to buy, you are less likely to lose one you have paid for and actually like. Keep it full and keep it with you. Try and empty it twice a day, down your throat that is and not in the sink.

I'm going to leave it there for now, hopefully I've given you some food for thought. Next time I'm going to touch on how my situation affected the kids, well, our situation, it was theirs as much as it was mine.

Peace.