Hey all :) Dealing with depression can mean you're dealing with a lot of other rubbish as well. Anxiety, self loathing, suicidal thoughts. I saw a psychologist a few days ago, something I've actually been looking froward to, it would seem that I am in “survival mode”, a mental state where I am no longer enjoying my life, I'm not chasing anything that brings me pleasure, I'm simply fighting to survive.

I work 7 days a week, I have to, I'm supporting 3 kids, 3 teenage kids, and they take a lot of supporting. No one gets that. The kids mum doesn't help with anything, in fact she is very quick to judge how I'm raising these kids which is an extremely hard thing to swallow since she only ever sees them once a week and barely interacts with them when she does. Anyway fuck her, toothless ice addict bitch. Teenage kids need more than food, they need consistency, consistency in every area of their lives. They need a strong, stable adult figure, stable housing and a stable educational environment. I moved schools a fair bit when I was a kid and as a result I have difficulty maintaining friendships, they just don't seem to matter to me, so to protect my kids from that same fate I am willing to sacrifice my own well being. If working 7 days a week means I can keep living in this house and sending my kids to their current school then so be it. Moving to a cheaper suburb wouldn't achieve much anyway, if I tried really hard I might save $100 a week on rent, seriously not worth the trouble. I also value my kids future well being far more than a few grand a year.

So I'm making some progress, I think. I have to try and focus on something other than survival, I need to find happiness in something. I'm just not sure how to do that. I'm not even sure what happiness is, God that's sad lol. Maybe death is a viable option, it certainly fills me with a sense of relief. My issue with an early demise though is the real possibility that it would end the same way for at least one of my kids, it usually does when a parent takes their own life. I don't think I want to die anyway, I look forward too often, to retirement, living on my small block of land and farming (food and crypto), eventual grand kids. My psychologist said to me that feeling relief at the thought of death is actually quite normal, our mind sees it is as a way out of the current pressures that may be overwhelming us. Anyway, I'm not going anywhere without a fight.

You have to fight those hills you know? If you have read any of my previous stuff then you will know I'm big on exercise as a therapy for mental well being. I really believe that success in the gym, or wherever you choose to exercise, translates to success in life. If you can dedicate yourself to better health then you can dedicate yourself to anything. I do cardio and weights, this combo, for me, works great. I end up with healthier lungs and heart and a ripped body. I make no apologies for valuing a nice body, it makes me feel good, maybe the only thing. I've been using an elliptical, similar action to running but without the impact on joints and bones, the setting I use is “hill” which gives an undulating resistance workout, not unlike running up and down hills strangely enough. I'm currently trying to reach 6 kilometres travelled in 30 minutes, so far I can do 5.4. When the hills are getting big I'm hearing myself chant “Fight those hills, fight those hills.”

Fight. Push harder. Don't let whatever demon that is riding you win, not without a fight. Be it your training routine, your job, your crypto trading, your personal well being. You have to keep fighting those hills that will always come along in everything you try to do. When something seems hard it's because it is hard, push harder against it, push till you can't push anymore then push again. Peace people, till next week.