I’ve been wooed and feted by Nigerian princes aplenty and have even had a close family friend put a hit out on me (so I was told), but I have never fallen prey to a Bitcoin ‘sextortionist’ – until now.

Before my story begins, I should warn you that it could get a tad… salty. I’ll be talking about sex, masturbation, and even – GASP! – porn. So send the kiddos out of the room and those of you with weak constitutions should click away elsewhere.

First Contact

Last week, I received an email from an anonymous hacker named Celsa (I knew that she was anonymous thanks to the very emphatic ANONYMOUS HACKER signature at the end of the email) with the following panic-inducing subject line:

“Hi perv. I recorded you masturbating! I have captured ‘Info.mp4’!”

Uh oh… now I’ve gone and done it. Caught red-handed, so to speak.

Apparently, I visited a porn site that was so obscene, so deviant, that my dear friend Celsa couldn’t even bring herself to type the word “pornographic” – or even the ironically misspelled “pr0n” – but had to type it in 1980s leet speak to protect her tender sensibilities.

She informed me that, while I was on this p0rn06r4phy site, I downloaded a piece of software that she had developed that took control of my computer’s video camera and recorded me in a frantic session of…well…you know. Petting the cat. Dialing the rotary phone. Flicking the bean.

Not only that, but it had downloaded all of my email contacts and a list of my Facebook friends as well. And she was threatening to go public with it – to drag my shame out into the light for everyone I know to see.

I was doomed.

But then Celsa threw me a lifeline.

For the reasonable price of just $2,000 – paid in Bitcoin, of course – she would destroy the insidious info.mp4 file AND the contacts she had downloaded. Whew. Talk about catching a lucky break!

I know it was just an email, but within those lines of 12-point monospace type, I really picked up a sense of pride – that she was able to exercise her moral duty to hunt down and catch deviants like myself AND profit at the same time.

I’m Safe – or Am I?

As I was trying to calm myself down and figure out what to do, I thought of all the Nigerian princes who had let me down and left me broken-hearted and bereft of promised millions. I wondered, “Could this be a scam?” So I decided to wait. After all, Celsa said that she would be generous and give me 72 hours to make my decision.

Well, imagine my horror when, just a few hours ago, I received a SECOND email from my morality-policing cyber nemesis.

That’s right. My tormentor is back and this time Celsa – who now identifies as Marguerite the anonymous hacker – means business. I think her moral crusade is beginning to take a toll on her though, as even the encoded “p0rn06r4phy” is too much for her to countenance writing. Now she refers to it using the much more Cinemax-ified erotic website.

If I wasn’t convinced by the sternly worded “This is my last warning!” subject line, then the first line of the email certainly did the trick:

You have the last chance to save your social life – I am not kidding!!

See the extra exclamation mark? That’s how I know she’s really not kidding.

I’m in deep trouble now. I have no recourse. I could go to the police, but they can’t help me. Celsa/Marguerite is just too good at what she does – she told me so herself. She also informed me that she lives in another country and really knows how to stay anonymous.

Well damn.

As we speak, her “spy war” is recording all the websites I visit and all the keys I press. I could be risking my reputation and even my life – I’m pretty sure she runs in the same circles as the hitman I told you about earlier – just by writing this.

Can you believe I may actually have to cave to her demands and pay her? I just don’t know which of the two Bitcoin addresses that were created just for me I should send my shameful hush money to.

What to do, what to do? Fortunately, Celsa/Marguerite is nothing if not a benevolent anonymous hacker. She has given me another 48 hours to decide. But the next email will be my FINAL last chance – of that she has assured me.

The Moral of the Story

The story you have just read is real. No names have been changed to protect the innocent. I did actually receive those ridiculous emails and, yes, they are clearly sextortion scams designed to frighten unwary people into paying to keep their supposed secrets.

They do serve a purpose, however. Like practicing safe sex, scams like these remind us to practice good “cybersecurity hygiene” and to be careful of what we download and where we download it from.

As for me and my alleged naughty habits… I’m 47 and have a bad back. These days, my idea of porn is watching chiropractic adjustments on YouTube.

What is the most ridiculous scam – Bitcoin or otherwise – that someone has tried to pull on you? Did you fall for it? Sound off in the comments below.

Originally published on BitcoinerX.com