Hey Crypto boys n girls!! we love y'all! Thanks for cheekily stealing the power of money from the hands of governments everywhere!
The Financial Times has historically long been HATING on BTC. Called Bitcoin a pyramid scheme, said intrinsic and future value will go to zero, some "wag" publicized the bs that " bitcoin is like leaving your SUV running to solve Sudoku puzzles that can be traded for heroin." Really the FT have just been old school british class warfare arses the whole way, backbiting, two faced snobs. We once had to leave a City trading floor in London before we assaulted a trader who told us "Gentlemen do not know how to use a spreadsheet," guess we were about to prove him correct. Yeah, we can hear the sound of far too many teeth in one's mouth when one FT decries that impudent BTC.
Which is a shame, as we were just loving Ganesh's "citizen of nowhere" column (this week about Daft Punk's use of privacy.) Hell James, and their main anti-brexit guy, recently even broke down into honesty and said 1) the Brexit UK did a better job than the EU buying vaccines ( which all the Germans infuriated & enraged at the vax non-contract letter of intent POS legal mess already knew) and 2) the codified freedom of the US stood up better under COVID than the British rat out your neighbor, do you have a good reason to go out this week agony. And you KNOW it hurt those ink stained commies BAD to admit all that.
This week we were laughing over a full page in the weekend FT edition. Some pant-suited chick mailed in a col with the STUNNINGLY overexposed concept that hey, the 60-40 rule of stock and bond allocation is broken. REALLY, no sh-t Sherlock, what WAS your FIRST CLUE?? was it negative interest rates maybe? at the same time some P/E ratios went vertical? Or was it just the 100 other articles with the same theme over the last years, we could not even find her revelations using Google!!! Anyway, the whole steaming pile, nothing about crypto, blah blah ends maybe buy some gold. Well, surely just coincidence, but the bottom third of the page is an ad for Gold. Yes Virginia, we believe in coincidences. Just like the fold out section extolling investing & working in China filled with Chinese ads. Totally upfront journalism there.
The real chuckler here? THE "death of 60/40" GOLD AD WAS MARKETING GOLD AS "THE NEW STABLECOIN." from some hustlemonkey in london, and TA DAAAA the one mention of crypto on the whole waste of a page? the ruffians ACCEPT CRYPTO CURRENCY !!! for Gold/ ETFs/ physical / storage/ transport / audit, whatEVER.
There are none so blind as those who will not see, because they are recycling agitprop for their advertisers and overlords at the federal bank. But like we said, we were STILL in LUFF with the FT this month until THIS nasty article popped up this week
Or just a useful idiot? OK lady, whaddya got? What's the first line of logical and reasoned attack?? The Citi report states that Bitcoin could become the international standard for trade. This one clutches her pearls and says this is "shocking" and "absurd." well why lady? First she says "chart crimes," then moves on to SPIT on citi's research team calling themselves premier thought leadership, later she also urinates on Reuters, Bloomberg, and others who thought the report was OK. Ok why? Here is her first attempt at a real complaint. The Citi report says, duh, adoption up...she says no!!!
Well, WE don't BELIEVE you could be such an absolute drooling hypercritical nitpicking idiot, and still pump enough oxygen to file this feeble drivel. THAT's the rock you build your anti-bitcoin church on? WTF? A chimpanzee with a word processor could do a LOT better. Try this - there are 30 million small businesses in the USA. AND 17 MILLION OF THEM TAKE PAYPAL AND PAYPAL TAKES BITCOIN??? Helllooooo?? What's that RIGHT THERE way over 50% acceptance not counting the plethora of other services?
OK, what is her second massive glowing insightful point proving Bitcoin to be absurd? Oh, wait, classic chit head fake move - she conflates problems with Tether to be problems with Bitcoin. TBF, Tether just agreed to a chump change 20MM fine no jail time deal. If half of what everyone said was true about Tether brrrrt printing fake tether to buy Bitcoin since all the way back to 2016, then we reckon that amounts to an actual cost of a $2,000 fine paid in the BTC they DCA'ed on with free money. But who cares? got NOTHING to do with BTC. Especially now that Letitia has solved it!!
So that's it? Oh no, Jemima goes in on the "Bitcoin is money laundering fraud" line of attack, this is actually the only meat in her "chart fraud" bs as well. Here, to her credit, she did catch Citi in a typo - Citi referred VISA et al fraud rate at 13%, when it was 130 bips, not percent.
OK, give her her due here - god knows we have been THAT arsehole, never creating a game changing 100 page report, but happily finding a typo in page 37 of someone else's. Our finest moment like that came in NYU Stern one day. Hungover and confused, trying to understand some ops statistics (sadistics) class we had not done the reading for, we spotted a typo in page 243 of a text, line 57, column twenty of a two page pile of numbers!! clearly, it is intuitive that as customers arrive in Poisson random fashion, as the system throughput approaches capacity, the derivatives prove waiting time goes to infinity surprisingly rapidly, but necessarily MONOTONICALLY INCREASING! Sounds douchey to say it that way, yeah, we made a big deal of that typo, we were a d-ck to that professor (who took it well) and walked out on the class to try and impress classmates with our beautiful mind but actually to get some water and try not to throw up.
So we understand her glee, she found TWO typos! have a gold star!! though the other one was the really minor kind that even butthead English majors like us quit correcting given american vs. english and working with many really smart non native english speakers. We even forgive that she stretched it into two articles - we have all done that 0xers!! - but Citi did print a correction. More importantly, the entire stat is meaningless anyway - who cares about fraud on VISA, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BILLIONS IN LAUNDERED MONEY GOING OVER WIRES, SWIFT, pallets of cash, suitcases of gold and bearer bonds, the freaking art and auction world. Chit, we have actually reviewed one big multinational bank employer's exact internal protocols for when investment bankers need international suitcases of greenbacks to GO!! Which if ya ask us, is the same thing as when Houston cops used to document whose shift it was to carry the "throw down gun." Teaching you the fear. Just leave perfectly trackable BTC the F alone. BTC is NOT fraud - free printing fiat to enrich Cantillon positioned establishment players- THAT'S fraud.
Did she have another dang point in the FT? she did not. All she had left was to smear bitcoin by whining about Scaramucchi retweeting the "bitcoin will be international fave" quote. Now, again, that's conflation. The Mooch is a despicable human being, and he showed Trump to be the same when TRUMP PUT HIM INTO A POSITION TO SPEAK WITH THE PRESS for god's sake. The fall of the Mooch was a classic joke punchline, but NOTHING TO DO WITH BITCOIN. And TBF to Trump, in classic wall street fashion the Mooch was fired that week. Wall Street wisdom #10 - Doesn't matter if ya got an asbestos ass, Mooch, that's a 10,000 degree seat and yer butt is still gonna burst into flame.
Yeah, we grinned like a rictus monkey when the press commented on how "vulgar" the Wall Street Bets subreddit was. First studied cursing in spanish working with Mexican newspaperboys in Texas. Then worked in a foundry where we found out every #($*@& word in a $)#*@)($* sentence could be replaced with ##$#$(*& and life will go on. E.g. #$#$(*& us that #$(@#*$& %(@#*&$( wouldja you #$(*&#$@#(???!!!??
But our real education in cursing came on Wall Street. We used to curse so much at work with one fintech research boss that we had a safe word, "barracuda," that we could use when she or I realized we were cursing too much in front of outsiders. Oh man. Gallows humour was always huge on Wall Street - NASA means Need Another Seven Astronauts. The first teacher in space learned her lesson!!! But cursing was monumental, supplemented by Russian analysts (extending curses to your family, villages, religion and animals.) It turns out Brits are only fair, and French can't curse for chit ( your mother in the monoprix??) & French Canadians truly are unable to curse at all ( tabernacle ??? sacre le blu? really? pitiful.)
So when the Mooch trusted a new york times reporter ( fool) and spoke openly to her, instead of saying " believe me, not for nothing" he used the perfectly clear, regular expression "I'm not trying to s-ck my own d-ck here." And the NYT just blew THAT all out of proportion. While everyone with a trading floor tan just nodded. Everyone in the corporate world knows SNAFUs, and FUBAR. Everyone knows the Brooklyn alphabet, oohhhh. Everyone in the management consultant game knows the technical org term " clusterf-ck." But it took Wall Street to teach us the variation "Mongolian clusterf-ck," which is the same as a regular cf-ck except if there are not enough holes, you use your knife to make a few more OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH no. We could go on- it took the CTO of Bear Stearns to show us a Nerf football as a prothesis in his office - but let's not.
So THAT'S IT JEMIMA? that's the weak game helping the FT to help Laguarde offend and FUD bitcoiners worldwide? One claim that a third of small biz could not take crypto if they tried ( lie!!! ) One conflation that Bitcoin is doomed because Tether blah blah something!!??! One lousy corrected typo about a meaningless metric that has nothing to do with the true problems of money laundering? Followed by another conflation, that since the Mooch has pottymouth, Bitcoin is bad? In honor of Emily, where ever she may be (her leap to doing R & D tech for Sony was simply exquisite, landing in Tommy Motola's high ceilinged old office overlooking central park, and the canteen smoothies were to die for) let us say, one last time, in trading floor / research fashion, actually not sexist believe it or not, if that's all you got Jemima, just put your head in our lap and quit wasting our #@$&*@# ! time.
OK, we bet Laguarde will pick up the phone from the FT now. But we still bet Laguarde won't say anything notable again, like "bitcoin is an escape valve!!! " Peace, love, little tiny computers everywhere and Bitcoin will indeed soon be the i#$(*&@$#(@*&!! international trading standard, hear us now and heed us later FT!!!