I think a lot about productivity as I have no full-time job now for months, the timely stuff is timely, and my ideas once have to be engendered and made part of my days.

- something that I am competent in and capable to get secure in and I have my pace and rhythm in. This can be „another one’s stuff’, like a workshop, a retail job, an office, or my things.

- without the interiorized (but not intrinsic) urge to ’validate’ myself via work. To „let them see my value”, not to take up a place for nothing. The funny – or absurd – aspect is that I never evaluate people like livestock, this is something that I learned and is surprisingly hard to unlearn. It has very deep and extended roots like I don’t want to be someone that doesn’t take responsibility for their acts or someone who has an excuse for everything.

- the extrinsic notion of ’efficiency’ created by the others. This is what stops me from being competent and firm as a newbie, so I end up as a perpetual newbie, and rather something than someone. This is the root of all the crippling incompetence, or that phenomenon, when I literally take a dislike to my own voice, as every time I open my mouth a question comes out – this noob knows nothing.

- this stands to err too – God forbid to do it, it scorches in you! You will be that one, who Does Not Know. There’s no time to put on all the questions. This is also rather felt than thought by me.

- without that anxiety, that something won’t stay as a habit. Won’t become from this: _______work (learning, making stuff, chores, any sorts of work*)_day off___half gas__day off___quarter gas etc. to this: _______work _day off_______work_day off

*ofc in the case of a day job this is another dynamic as you have to pump the mojo up every day.