It has been an interesting 5 days so far. It feels like the first is way longer ago than 5 days. And yesterday, well it was one of those days that I had to kind of face some things I can't comprehend fully. I have been going through phases since writing, I am always afraid that what I think or say or do will effect the outcome, hence why I am often hesitant in really doing what I feel like doing. I can see many ways of how things could potentially unfold in a unfortunate way and eventually I can scare me from, well, basically anything. Continuing writing here for example is one such thing. I could see several reasons not to continue as an inner voice tells me how silly it is, weird, boring, negative. But I do this in order to proof myself of th.. goddammit, the Internet is on and off and my music choice today was so horrible that I could not concentrate on what I even tried to say. So no music today I guess. 

But anyways, I continue, because I want to change my view and fears. I actually didn't intend it to go here but it seems to do so anyways. I had a really weird moment yesterday. As in my mind I write to an audience that I don't know, I imagine them reacting to my writings. But I chronically look for evidence if I fail them and hence find reasons to believe this is so. So - ah I really don't like what I am saying somehow. Let me move on to something more fun. So I go back to what I initially intended to talk about. My choice of living a different life. Maybe I should just start with telling you stories about really messed up moments in this trip which only you can be ok with when thinking that the universe puts in front of you, what you are meant to experience. 

So in summer 2018 we would leave that place I talked about earlier and leave for the tropic area. I was excited because it would be more exciting as there is more to do, there is tourists, beautiful girls. I needed some change and would enjoy some new winds after my relationship. We went with 30 USD in our pocket and - I might have to add this here - knowing, that the universe will provide, we would not worry now, would we. I sat in a fancy cigar lounge downtown. We knew we could pay one night in a hostel, but food, travel, a second night, no we did not have money for that - yet. So obviously I would worry. Who wouldn't. Well, some souls out there did. We sat in that bar and I was looking at people smoking cigars and drinking gin, talking about things I didn't feel like talking about because my worry was to know where my next meal would come from. Universe did a little magic there. It just happened to be that the friend of the owner from the States was here for a week and was about to fly back home. She spent some time here before heading to the airport. And so my friend told her about his life and experience, healing gifts and talents and she felt so much better with his short therapy that she gave him 100 USD. She put it in his pocket and said: as a tip so you can continue your work. 
It paid for a meal and our travel up north. I was amazed and felt so much lighter. I had food, how awesome! 

The next day we went half way to where we wanted to go. A nice bus ride in a bus that had AC and space. Halfway the trip the bus stopped and we went out for an ice cream. I remember being stunned by the fact that we just went through quite a desert like looking area. "it is dry and hot here. Wait until we get to the jungle. It will be so much greener and lush, you watch". Which was true. We ended up in a town at night and would my friend not have traveled this place for so many years, I would have felt quite lost. We stepped out of the bus and walked over a bridge to a hotel. We would pay the night and go to sleep quick. We had just enough money left to stay for two days here and the trip up north. Where we would go, I didn't know. How we would pay, the Universe would know. The 100 USD would go fast when it has to pay for 3 guys. Hungry and tired I went to bed. The next day we enjoyed going to some hot springs, swimming in natural water. We had a piece of chicken to eat. About 1 USD per person. Coming back from the trip my friend said he would have to go find the old lady at the waters. I did not feel like going and meeting anyone. I have my moments and I was a sour little grumpy me then. A piece of chicken might not have been enough maybe. I walked back alone. But being alone I soon started to worry and my hatred for my friend turned into sorrow. It was both not doing much good and so I would go search for him, but couldn't find him. More worries. I went to the hostel and waited. They came back and he said that they took care of her, she is very sick. I didn't care, I thought. She cried a lot, he said. Nobody touched her for years. I was stunned by the fact that I still didn't really care much. The next day, we treated her again and as a thankyou she donated about 300 USD for helping her. I was completely blown away. This old lady, living in a boat by herself, who didn't leave it for over 6 years. She had mold all over and couldn't walk. Yet here was my friend, suffering from pain all day, without food, thinking but of helping her. And the universe thanked him for it with some money to feed himself. I can not write this without feeling somewhat disgusted by myself for my thoughts. I was too involved in my own misery and circles of self pity so that I would not see the wonders of the universe. 

I remember how, when arriving this town, we had a piece of chicken for each. It was not much indeed, but very tasty. We sat on the floor of this river hostel and watched the guests eat dinner, drinking beer and listening to music or talking. We sat on the step in front of it, nibbling on chicken bones. I couldn't help myself think that how come none of them would invite us for a meal. I wished someone would come over and invite us. But as they did not think of it like I barely did when I was living my old life with plenty of food and goods but a closed heart and eyes, I would not see the hungry or pretend they weren't there. And would I help, it was most for either pity or because of social pressure, or maybe to tell myself that I am a good guy when giving. Now that I was at the other end of the story, I would come to experience how the hungry feel. I had no idea what can become of value to someone who doesn't have much. I sat there and was thinking: a whole meal now, it would make me the happiest person on the planet. How come they are still not all happy? Well, for reasons I wasn't when I was on their side. Because we decide to not be happy. 

I learnt a first good lesson in these two days here at the river. The void, the fear, the uncertainty, the hunger, they all trought me to toughen up, to stay strong, have faith and be positive. I had still enough to pay for a roof and a travel. And I had not to worry about a job, a family, bills, emplyees, you name it. I was healthy and with friends, doing what my heart told me to do. So much positive things to focus on. So much good the universe was giving me. I just didn't see it. But I would learn to. Because we only just started. 

Let my words inspire you to stay strong, to focus on the good and to know that it is never too late to do something when you see s