I am determined to finish this. But humans are a species of 'getting used' to circumstances eventually, I got used to be chill about writing every other day, when I had the intention to write every day. So I haven't failed yet, as I am extremely kind to myself in this undertaking, but I have to be honest. I am lazy and tent to procrastinate. I have thought about writing for three days and didn't do it. And I didn't do it because, well, I could later. It is not that important. And that is simply a effect of being really kind with myself and allow to write only every other day. But that was not the idea originally. And I have just fallen into a pattern where - after several times of not writing daily in this attempt - well, I can as well skip this day, right? Wrong. I did not follow through. Simple as that. I got lazy and started procrastinating.
It seems that it is something that has been following me since my early days. I remember my dad telling me to just finish things for once. Just do it, then it is done. But as a kid I found that utterly boring and annoying and was way more interested in whatever stuff just crossed my mind. He would though make sure I would finish things and afterwards, it did feel better to have done it and see it just being done. It gives you a better feeling. But yet, a next day would come and a next temptation would make me not finish what I started, especially after I moved out. I would start many things, but finish? Only when I had to and a external party would give me deadlines. Without deadlines, well, there is always time to finish later...
Why is that? I have seen a Ted Talk about procrastination and I must say it is very interesting. Is it the instant gratification we need? Are we so addicted to new stuff, news, another dopamin hit from social media, that we can no longer focus on the same project for one month? Did I just start filling the day with instant dopamin hits so I wouldn't finish this one task I set to me? Maybe.
Personally, I do also have another thing that bugs me. Since my early years, I could do anything, succeed in anything, if (and yes, these two letters are deeeep) I would choose so. I was running in competitions, almost in the top ten of my country. I would play a bit of hockey, soccer. But with anything I would do, there would come the day where I would get bored. I would loose interest and simply forget about it. I would search for something more interesting, more tempting. I wanted to be the best guitar player, then a classical singer, then a professional soccer player, then enlightened. Now, I am tempted to learn to code. But do I really want to? Will I follow through or will I loose interest in it? Well, I tried. And when it would get too tedious and nerve wrecking, I would tell myself that writing code is utterly silly and I should better go work out. But being on the bike I would not get back quick enough to sit behind the PC and conquer the Planet. I open the browser and on a sudden all the ideas I had, are not available. They sank to the ground of my brain. So let's go on Youtube and learn about the latest Crypto. Oh, look, Lionel Messi Compilation. Just one, and then we will learn. Maybe two.
What is it, that makes it so hard to just focus on one task? Is it just me or is it a generational thing? Why do I start so many things but loose interest, lack the strength to complete the task, no matter how hard it gets?
There might be a third component. I have the chronic urge to see a sense in the things I do. I don't know if it is, because the world is in such a turmoil and I feel like saving it, and hence can not do things that are meaningless (which is a topic by itself, a Story for another day as seeing meaning in things is very subjective). So often I struggle to continue as I think the thing I am currently doing is meaningless.
So let's recap. Constant impulses of dopamine hits make us unable to stick with boring tasks, my fear of doing meaningless things and the constant loss of interest on topics make a toxic cocktail which lead me to procrastinate. On almost everything. Which then lead to me being overwhelmed and telling me, if I would, I could, but since I don't, well, then I won't. Which leads to me not feeling good about myself.
And as a fun fact it seemed to have happened again with this session here, this series of blogs I intended to write. Again, the idea was to write every day for 30 minutes, no matter what I would come up with, and here I am, failing at it, Another project that I told myself I would really follow through with but my intention didn't last through 30 days. How hard could it be? It seems that to me it is quite a task. And to be honest, it does not feel good. But this is, where I can decide in either leave it like it and have this feeling of failure following me, or I can keep being kind with myself and keep trying. After all I am here now, and I know the only thing that really changes my old pattern is to simply accept the defeat, pick up the work again and continue. That is the only thing I can do to really be successful in this regard.
Ok I was thinking of writing that I have often heard the words "well just finish something and then do the next thing, that is how easy it is" and then wanted to go into an explanation of why I don't do it. "Well, I feel like I am wasting my time continuing - If I have to push so hard it probably is not meant to be - well, evil forces would not want me to do and say these things - etc.". But what difference does it make, really? I doesn't make a difference, why I don't do things and finish projects, the fact is that it leaves the same impression within me. I doubt my own ability, my potential to complete something, to stick to something. Which brings me back to the previous conclusion. Just do it.
So while I am writing these words and doubt their meaning as maybe no one would even take anything out of it, I have to stop that thought right there. The purpose is to make a point to myself, and that is all that counts. That was the intention of this and no matter what, I would complete it. And so I will now thank you for reading this rant of my inner complex and contradicting wirings that make us go certain roads and take certain paths and lead us to places in the future. And silently I celebrate with myself now that I have written for 30 minutes, I succeeded for today. And that feeling is awesome. Doesn't it in the matter, how we feel about ourselves? Isn't that what really counts? I don't know, I am tired of thinking of things. I guess I am just glad I finished this as I had no clue what to write about.
It takes a lot of kindness from myself with myself and a certain toughness at the same time. The golden in between I guess. To find that line is a task every day. But I am clearly ranting now. Have a successful day, my dear.