We started to treat some locale people for free. It was something my friend was very passionate about. Treating sick people. We had some interesting machines (and still have them) that can heal people and plants, animals and maybe even environments from diseases, increase their immune system etc. It works through frequencies. And it works. One of our patients was an elderly lady in her 80s. She is one of those types that sits in a corner and smiles, but you feel that she can see right through you. And she could, I think. She would give me a smile as if she would say: "I can see your pain and hadred and insecurity and it is ok.". I up to this day try often to hide my true emotions and feelings, intentions and believes, simply because I want to avoid confrontation. It makes me very uncomfortable. So I would smile back. But she would make these comments every now and then that I knew she knew. She liked me though. And after a few days of going to her house daily, more and more people would show up. We had her family members, her sister, some neighbors and soon we would be busy half the day taking care of people. And of course by this time my joy for helping someone for free turned into a feeling of obligation to do so. And the more people showed up, the less joy I felt. Not nessecarely because of the work itself. It was a mixture of thoughts, little naggers, that made me go into spirals. I was mad because, well, first it was all for free and I had my thoughts about that, because our money supply was getting less and less. So after a while, sitting in the heat listening to peoples issues while being hungry, it was not a great combo. But it was a very good lesson. It was getting worse and worse over the days up to the point that I disliked the tourists because all they would see is there next satisfaction and possible gain of happiness. Running from place to beer, bar to wellness place, they all were completely unaware of our lifestyle. Thoughts like: you should all pay us some cash for food, because we are treating the locals for free etc etc. Then the heat, the needs of all these people and the feeling that I have to do this because I am a bad human being for having negative thoughts. It all built up more and more hatred within myself. But eventually, there comes a point where the system just gives in. I let it be. I let the tourists be, the patients, the hunger. It was what it is, even if I think about it in whatever way, it still was what it was. So one moment in time will come where one gives in and lets go. And that letting go, again, it is so powerfuk, so transformative, so exalerating, that one afterwards will be thankful for those moments as I am now, writing this, I appreciate food, my space, the cold, because of what I exprienced before. One has to laugh about it. But we are not tought that way, and collectively we co create a world where we think we have to only look for ourselves, and we don't know that what we do now for others, comes back in mysterious ways. 

Oh I so do not write very good right now. I dont feel like I want to. I am mad again. And I am mad because I put so much pressure on me. Mad because I tell myself I have to write no matter what, mad becasue in the same time I am holding that machine which makes writing extremely more complicated, mad because I feel like I havent done anything today, even though I told myself that that is exactly what I would use the day for. I seem not to be able to just let it be. My brain has to bitch. And I am sorry for writing this but it just feels I have to be honest. Its honest. 

So yeah, here we go. I do not really know what to say. The place was hot, I hated it for a long time. But afterwards I really am sad about it. Why I always had to be so angry and so tough on myself. For all my life I heard I am to tough. Ah I can't do this today. It is horrible. Sorry. So yeah, the place was hot, but there was a lake and I would go swim in it every now and then. I said it was tough to work for free on these people, yes, but they every now and then gave us a meal, a coffee, sometimes we got invited to places and events no tourist would see. So what am I bitching at them. I just had a different life style, Our service made us experience amazing things, really connect to local people, really understand their lifes in a way, no tourist might know. So what is the value? Pay paper for experiences every tourist can have or experience the local life by helping them with their needs? The second one is so much richer. Not easier, but richer. Who else met the grandma right next to the hostel that would see ghosts at night? Who else tasted her cakes? Who knew about her daughter that seems lesbian? Or her husband and her son that died in a car accident? 

She got better and it seemed with healing her I healed something within me. Just now writing this I healed something within me. I focused on the positive of the experience. There is always a positive point. And remembering them and focusing upon them makes a life much more beautiful. But it seems that at times we can't force ourselves. I forced for the first 15 minutes of writing here. Then I collapsed and allowed myself to be honest about how I felt. And then, well, then I remembered good things and wrote those down. And now I am excited about writing this,, Again, it is 30 minutes of spontaneous writing, nothing of this is premade. So it is what it is. We stayed in the hostel for a month. Then we moved to a friends hotel restaurant. The deal was, that I would help at the bar while we could stay there for free. I was so excited about working in a bar. And had no idea how insecure I would really be. Sometimes I wonder how I could become a teacher. Sometimes I wonder how I survived all the pressure and stress I put myself in. I feel like life has to be that way and thinking that it can be fun and relaxed, I had to first let into my life. My old life was the stress. My new life would become one of joy. But I had to undo the patterns I got so used to. I had to, step by step, undo my inner being. And by doing that ,I had to overcome my own mental barriers, my emotional triggers and my beliefs about the world. And everytime I did a leap, I felt relieved, until the next one was battling me. And while that might never end, I learn to overcome it faster, I encounter the tricks of the mind faster, and my experiences are weapons that help me deal with the situations. 

Soon, I would be a bartender. Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZUMdnky11E