It’s a whole lot going on in the world but to be fair, it’s a whole lot going on in our minds. Thoughts become overbearing and you start losing the fight because where you drew strength from has weakened. You begin to lose sight, to lose hope.
My mind is vast like the ocean, calm sometimes so I float and enjoy the peaceful ambiance. I forget my worries and the hardship of living life as I please. I just exist and find solace in that. Things that should offend me, roll off my back, things I should ponder about don't bother me. I am not stressed and I cannot be stressed. Nature is louder and I am loving it, the air smells nicer and I am gushing about it. I shut my eyes and meditate. This is what it feels like to be so great?
My mind… spontaneous like the ocean, starts to pick up the waves that tip the balance of my peaceful ambiance. There they are… tiny whispers, sounding like the wind brushing past your ear. They’re coming, I can feel then rising, just like you see the ripples on the ocean, drawing back to pull in the waves. I brace myself, I want to fight it, I’m stronger, I’m in control!
My mind is turbulent like the ocean, waves are crashing, the sky is darker, and the wind is wilding. My mind, it’s in chaos! I did not expect this. I did not expect them to be this ride, this angry. I did not expect them to dig up things buried far underneath my mind, to unravel my truth, and make me face the harsh realities that I had refused to grace with my attention.
It’s crashing down on me. I’m sinking, I’m kicking, thrashing about against the strong force of the body. I’m holding my breath so i can get past this moment, so I can survive but my body’s going numb. I’m losing sight of everything. The only thing vague is that I am tired. I am about to give up, my muscles are weak, my nervous system is down, I’m no longer panicking and I am ready for the horror that is next. I’m making peace with it, just let this be over soon. I have no fight left in me, I’m drowning in my thoughts and there’s no one to save me. Is this what it feels like to not be great?
No one for miles because I refused to let people in. I refused to let people know the real me. I don't need your help. I’m smiling, laughing, and playing wholeheartedly. How could I be in danger?
My mind, mysterious as the ocean. Just as I’m giving up the fight, another voice chimes in. Is this the voice of God? Talking to me and making me see things differently, calm tone yet louder than the menacing voices that had gridlocked my mind. Those piercing arrows that stung, that felt like poison, burning me from the inside out… those arrows suddenly felt like feathers, tickling and falling off.
A float popped right out of the bottom of the ocean of my mind, so I can balance and get to shore. So i can get back on my feet, stronger and showing clairvoyance. Right when I was about to give up. I got my golden ticket to life.
The voice said to me, ‘it’s not your time yet, go back!’ And I cried that I was tired, the voice it said to me, ‘you have not yet lived. You have a lot to accomplish.’ And I argued back, ‘this life is not worth living. I’ve suffered too much emotionally and mentally. I do not belong here, I want peace.’ The voice said to me, ‘it’s rocky before it gets smooth. Don’t be salty because life is bitter, you’re sulking when things could be sweeter if you believe in yourself and fight harder.’ I shook my head, ‘but these voices… they wouldn't let me live in peace. They say these things about me and the life that I’m living and they’re right. I am darkness. Let me go to hell, I don't attract good things, people would be happier!’
‘Have you forgotten so soon? Who tended to the sick and was most loved, who brings good luck to those who seek to help her? Have you forgotten so soon, whose prayers are the fastest ti get to God’s ears? Those voices are loud because you give them an audience, loud does not mean right. These are your fears attacking you. How dare you listen to them?! How dare you be ungrateful?! Look at them! Look at your family, they would miss you. You would tear them apart, your mum, your sisters, they’ve taken too many losses. Take the torch and burn it, burn the fear.’
I took the torch and I didn't burn it. If i burned my fears then I would lose my identity. I would have to start again and live with new fears and how to deal with them, but if I carry my old fears around with me like a burden, I’ll get stronger from all that load. Sometimes, I’ll get weak and break, but I’ll get my float back and swim to safety.
I took the torch and walked through the darkness, headed for the light at the end of the journey.
Take the balance of the ocean that is your mind. Shred it like it is a piece of paper. Surf every corner if your mind and sprinkle positive thoughts in every thought. Break down every memory and understand it.
This way you’ll always stay afloat because you understand the ocean that is your mind.
