That which does not change does not challenge. We as a species are intrinsically dependent upon the necessity for challenge in order to grow; and if you do not grow, you die. I, as a father, must remember that, when interacting with my daughter, she has an absolute necessity to grow in knowledge, wisdom, integrity, and values in order to have any form of success in her adult years. If she does not grow in these areas, then the risk is there for her to feel lost and lacking direction as she matures. So, in order for her to grow in these areas, it is absolutely imperative that I grow in order to be a beneficial parent to her. And a truly beneficial parent aims for the child to surpass.
As a father, or as a leader, or simply as a man, I must be willing to accept the truth that I don't know enough. We all must come to that truth. If I start to convince myself that I know enough, or that I know more than you, then I cease to grow. I cease to grow, and soon become stagnant in my life as an adult, failing in this area or that, and ultimately failing as a father. If I stand before my daughter and put on the show that I am all wise and all knowing – screaming at her never to question her father – then I fail as a father. Why? Because I have become comfortable in my ignorance and thus can no longer teach my child any other way to be. And children do what they see; as I am, so shall she be.
This position applies to all of my existence. Given my personality type, it's easy to get stuck in the belief that consistency is better than curiosity, but ultimately that can carry the greatest risk of failure. I must always realize that, just because a certain course of action or thought process worked this time, it doesn't mean that it will work every time – or even the next time – I am faced with similar or even identical challenges. If I rely on my past experiences alone to dictate my angle of approach to a specific problem, then I am clinging desperately to the highest of likelihoods that I will fail. If I rely on my confidence alone to dictate my approach to a specific challenge, then I pursue my failure. Yes, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that my answer is the right one . . . but only the challenge will determine if that is objectively true in the moment.
I know, as a parent, that there are certain things and certain scenarios that require absolute, unwavering obedience to my words, but I also know as a wise man that those scenarios are few and far in between. Such scenarios usually carry extreme risk of physical harm if the child does not obey me. Beyond that, I have to know what my values are, and walk in them, to most effectively teach my child both cooperation, and moderation. If I take the position that absolute and unwavering obedience is a never-changing constant, then I run the risk of my values becoming subject to my ego. This, as covered in the last four posts, is extremely dangerous.
If I become stagnant, either in my demand for obedience, or in my passivity, then I fail to challenge my child's stability in the values wherein I want her to grow. In addition, if I fail to challenge her in her growth, then I set her up for failure. Teach a man to think, give him life; fail a man to teach, give him death.
Ultimately, I – the parent – am inescapably responsible for the future success of my child. If I do not challenge myself to walk, and grow, in that responsibility, then I am responsible for her failure as well. Therefore, if I take my place as her example and her guide, then I can work with her to help her establish who she is at her core and to walk in that with full understanding of what that means. This way, I teach my daughter to be strong enough to face the challenges that life will throw at her ego, at her emotions, at her place in the family, without ever questioning who she is. Only with a stable and principled father can a woman truly be strong and independent.
If I do not take the responsibility to work with her, and instead work against her, demanding absolute obedience to my will at the cost of her own individuality, and even go so far as to vilify individuality as a sin or as a rebellion, then I create a weakened individual, likely to be offended at everything, angry and hurt that she missed out on the most important part of her development – her establishment. This is oppression, and the end result is likely to be a pendulum effect wherein she grows up to behave in precisely the same manner I did, thus perpetuating the pathology of oppression through the principle demonstrated in the Sins of the Father: children do what they see.
Don't be fooled, however. As I said, there are times when absolute obedience is required. But, as Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes, “to everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose.”
Stick around. I want to show you next week how a father steps into his role as a parent.
