Hi Everyone!
Good morning! Today's blog post is coming quite late in the day, my apologies. I had a very, very late day yesterday due to some unfortunate circumstances which I will get into as I go through my day. Luckily I'd like to say I'm feeling much better today mentally. The fog is clearing and I'm actually able to function for once. So hopefully today will be more eloquently written. 
Yesterday didn't start off too well, I will admit. If you read yesterday's post you could probably tell from the short writing, I didn't even feel like writing. I was quite foggy in the head, out of it due to so much anxiety, stress, depression and detaching from my own self. Mental health is a huge struggle for me. I've been battling my own mind since I was a young teenager. In therapy, seeing a psychiatrist. I went to a mental hospital a couple of times in my late teens. It has been a lot, a deep fight that hasn't been won. Only to recently find out that I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. Though that is an old term that was removed from use in the 1990's and is now a very hurtful term to use, so I ask that you refer to anyone with DID as just that and not multiple personalities. 
If anyone has any questions I'm always here to answer your questions, I only ask that you please keep your questions respectful. If you've been reading my blog for a while you may have noticed writing changes, in lengths of how much I write or details given. It isn't about mood it's that someone else has taken front and has the responsibility for writing. Not all of us in our system are much for writing, I can say that. 
For a long time I was thought to be a Schizophrenic. But the medication never worked to keep the voices out of my head, the diagnoses didn't align perfectly and my doctor had a suspicion from how often she met me she could tell. But with DID you have to be a certain age. So I had to wait until I got older to be officially diagnosed. So the voices in my head, they're the other alters in the system. No medication will ever stop them from talking. I just have to learn to cope, learn to properly communicate with them and kind of simply learn to tune them out. 
With DID it is formed from trauma. It has to form before the age of 11. Before the brain fully integrates. So it isn't something anyone should ever wish to have. To have DID means your childhood was most likely very traumatic and the only way your brain knew how to cope was instead of integrating itself it split off into different people. 
The interesting thing, is those people know of their jobs for the most part. They are to do their best at being you while they front when they're needed because the whole point of DID is so that no one ever finds out. Even the person with DID themselves. Which is why most people don't figure it out and if they do it isn't until they're in their 20's or 30's. Like myself. I'm almost 24. 
There is a stigma about DID, mainly because of that movie Split which I believe truly belongs in the garbage! Because it isn't an accurate depiction in the slightest. It's quite disgusting that they even put that movie out if you ask me. Because it gave the splitting of ones brain a very scary appearance when in actuality we are normally not dangerous people. If there is any risk to us, it is posed upon ourselves and not to others. 
I did in fact have a very traumatic upbringing. And my brain split. Any more stress and trauma and my brain can easily split again that's how DID works. New alters will appear. So it's always important to try to keep your DID friends with as little stress as possible if you don't want new people to pop up out of nowhere lol. 
I currently am a system of 5. 
Salem (Host) They/Them - Age of the body
Autumn (Former Host) She/Her - 18
Gabriel - He/Him - 18
Jessie - She/Her - Age of the body 
Rikki - She/Her - Age 10 

We all look different in our inner world, have our own likes, dislikes, tastes, hobbies etc. We are real people, our own people. We simply share a body. When new people find out I tell them this, look at it this way, imagine multiple souls being put into one body. That's the best way I can explain it. There is also no original. Since we split instead of integrated there is no original person. We all simply exist and share a body. Luckily we all get along well so far. 
Once your DID is unmasked your alters stop pretending to be you, they reveal themselves to you and others. They become who they are and it's very fascinating. I found out a few months ago and it's been a journey. The disassociating has been a lot. I've always had light amnesia but it's been quite a foggy stare at the wall for four hours and be like what happened what did I do for the past four hours kind of time lately. Luckily with my amnesia though for the physical world it's very light, when I space out it's usually because no one is in the body and we are all in the inner world. Family meeting everyone! lol!!! But everyone with DID has a different level of amnesia so please be patient with people with DID. 
So yesterday was hard. I was so overwhelmed and overstimulated with all the noise in our head that I went into a major panic attack and melted down around 3AM. No fun... I've also been stuck in emotional shock since the traumatic event happened at work. So my doctor said this is something I can expect and I need to follow her protocol to keep it from getting worse. But last night was hard. 
My friend Frost texted me asking how I was doing, I told them, honestly not well. I'm having the worst mental day. So they invited me out after they got off work at 8AM with them and our friend Nick. We went out to a cafe which was really nice. Got macaroons and had the funniest time. I laughed so HARD!!! I literally couldn't breathe!!! Having my friends with me through it all has been the greatest thing I could ask for. They've been so kind, loving and accepting. And Nick especially has been having a blast asking each new alter he meets a bunch of random questions lol! 
Like he found out Gabriel is a gay man, so he was so curious... he's like "So dude... You daddy?" My friends and I, I swear!!! 
After we made so many inappropriate jokes it was time to go home. On my walk home I had a missed call from my Mamma while I was out, so I called her back. She asked if I was sitting which I thought was odd. I said no I'm walking. I asked her what was going on. She told me my dear Uncle Ken had passed away on December 28th, the day before. The rest of the walk home on the phone with my Mom I was in tears. I was in shock to say the least because no had told me my Uncle had given up and stopped all of his treatment and was back living at a homeless shelter. It broke my heart. 
This man kept my imagination alive. He told me so many stories. My favorite was about the family leprechaun. He was such a sweet, kind man. Loving of everyone. So intelligent too. But he didn't want to fight anymore. That's why I wasn't able to get ahold of him. He had given up and didn't want any family to convince him to keep fighting. So he ignored everyone. He was 72. 
I came home and gave my Dad a hug. Sat in a fog for a few hours. It took me a while to realize what had happened. My Uncle and I weren't super close. I didn't see him as often as I would've liked. We lived in two different states. But I'd visit him when I could and I have some really good memories. He left an impact on me. I just could only hope at that point that he wasn't in pain anymore. 
Dad and I talked for a bit while I cooked something to eat. I realized I was supposed to be going to bed and hadn't eaten a thing all day. Probably another reason for the foggy brain. I made some food, sat with my Dad, then went and my room and talked to my partner. He was a great comfort for me. I always have him to talk to. I always appreciate the support he gives me. How accepting he is, how understanding. He let me cry and just talked to me. 
For some reason though I had been up all day, I couldn't sleep. I took my medicine but I still wasn't able to sleep. So I did work on the MTurk program hoping it would drain me enough to fall asleep. But nope. I called my Mamma back. I knew my Grandma Rosemary had nurses and physical therapists over at the house that day and I wanted to make sure Grandma was doing okay. See if her tests came back. I talked to Mamma for an hour. I got to talk to my Grandma, I made her laugh. She's so excited to see me. My dad and I leave tomorrow morning. Not so excited for the plane ride. With how sensitive I've been to stimulation lately I have a feeling a plane being so loud could really make me panic. But I'm hoping for the best. It's only a 2 hour flight. So let's hope it all goes well. 
After I got off the phone with Mamma it was about 5PM I was supposed to be in bed no later than 1PM. I was tired at that point. I fell asleep and slept until 3AM this morning. At least when I woke up. I felt peace. I felt calm. I didn't feel so foggy, I didn't feel so depressed. I have some people I'm going to go see who I'm really looking forward to seeing, I have friends and family who always have my back. I have a supportive online community and doctors who do their best to treat both my physical and mental conditions, I have an amazing partner, all my adorable pets. I'm starting to feel less alone and more hopeful. 

- Salem (Yes this is Salem)