When I read his words in the text, several things happened in me. First of all, my heart gave way and just poured all the love out, that I have. Secondly, I felt the annoying and constant doubt be pushed aside.

Finally!

The Chef and I have known each other for 8 months now, and everything is almost so rosy and pink and mushy and fluffy that it makes you want to vomit. But boy! Do I love it!

I love the feeling that that it gives me to know that he wants me. That he desires me. That he cannot keep his hands of me. And the other way around. I want to pour out all the love that I feel inside and bathe him in it. I want him, I want his body and I want all the sex and love that he wants to give me.

He is the most sweet, attentive, compassioned man. He cooks for me (an unheard luxury after having been in a very stereotypical marriage for 29 years), and I love spending time with him. He is so hot and sexy, and I can’t stop touching him. Kiss him. Be with him. At some point it will be too much, as I fondle and molest him constantly, but for now he seems rather pleased with it. He keeps up with my drive and I with his. We laugh, watch movies, fall asleep to movies and cook together (or .. I look at him admiringly when he moves around in the kitchen, fondling and grabbing him whenever I get the chance. (My aim is actually to make him overcook something at some point, because sometimes things escalate, but up to know he still manages to time it. That bastard! 😉)).  
He is fabulous company and I do love him dearly.

My doubts haven’t quite gone away. My insecurities neither. There are many things that are still uncertain.

And I WAS cautious and tried not to give in, because we are very unpractical for each other. That is a fact. There are many things that rationally speaks against a relationship between a 49-year-old and a 32-year-old. And the future is uncertain, because I WILL get older, and there is no way that I am going to bind him to me and make him promise commitments which neither him nor I can foresee.

But for now … I don’t care! I really don’t!

I remember at some point I said to him; “But I could be your mother!” and he just replied; “but you aren’t.” And that’s the truth of it. We are 2 adults who have found each other.

When I finally got sure of his feelings (and especially when I allowed mine to show), I decided to put all my worries aside. Yes, he will maybe get tired of the physical distance between us, as none of us are moveable right now. And yes, maybe the age gap will become more obvious when especially I grow older and begin to fall apart. Maybe we at that point decide to have an open relationship, maybe we will split ways, maybe he will stay till the bitter end. No one knows. And no one should make such promises.

But that is the future, and it is stupid to throw something good away, just because it MIGHT break at some point. None of us want more children (I can’t have any, so that is easy ;-)), so we have managed the things we were “supposed” to in life. Neither of us wants to get re-married, so for now we will enjoy the love and warmth and the unbelievable good sex. And when it doesn’t seem right anymore, then it will stop. That is the way of life.

For now, he is the right man for me, and I seem to be the right woman for him. If that changes … so be it. I will rather have loved for just a period of time and then end up in heartbreak, than to miss out of this wonderfulness that I am experiencing right now.

Actually, it is funny, because I have never believed in “forever” anyway. I believe that as long as it is good, people should stay together, when it is not, we have to move along. So all the doubts I had … I don’t know where they came from.

He is a good man, decent, fun, sexy, kind, attentive, caring and loving. Han he is young and hot and still has all his hair. 😉 Why would I let that slip away?

So, I don’t. I want him, and I love him, and that is the end of the story.

I want to share something with you before I sign off on the Dating Chronicles. Mature content ahead, so stop here, if you don’t want to read it.

When I headed out into the dating world, I decided to overcome the date-rape I was subjected to back when I was 14. For many years I was physical inhibited and my libido close to non-existent. When I decided that the rape should no longer define my sexual being, I went on a journey where I discovered more and more about my body. 

I overcame insecurities and physical uptightness, learned to relax and give in, learned to be in just that moment and forget anything else except the feelings and sensations. I learned that not only am I one of the lucky persons that are what they call multi-orgasmic, and because of my focus on relaxation I was even able to learn how to ejaculate. I think all women can do this, if the circumstances are right.
Not that it is necessary, and it is not a turn on for everyone, because it is a mess! But for me, and luckily the Chef, it is really fun. ;-)

The Chef and I have extraordinarily good sex, where we can talk open and freely about desires and discover our bodies. We enjoy both the experimental play and the slow and intense. The lazy and the harder.  During our time together, we have both experienced things that we never had done before. He has for example experienced intense orgasms without ejaculations, where he just laid and shivered for minutes and … I want to tell you about one night we had a month ago or so.

The chef was visiting me over a couple of days. One of these days he kept teasing me the entire day. I had lost a bet and had said that he could decide everything we should do, so he kept turning me on the entire day. Teasing me, touching me NEARLY all the right places, but I didn’t get any release (which is not usual when we are together).

(Turns out that like some people are “mean drunks”, I am a “mean horny person” At least really frustrated! ;-)

After dinner he led me to the bedroom where he tied me to the bed, blindfolded me and kept teasing me, just touching lightly over my entire body, kissing, caressing, and driving me insane. It literally hurt inside of me because my body needed him so much. I never have tried anything like that.

When he finally let me have the pleasure, I came so hard in the biggest orgasm that I ever had. It was one of THOSE orgasms. The ones that I had always heard about, but never tried, because I always get so many of the small ones. It was an explosion in both body and mind, and as the orgasm left my body, I began to cry.

For so many reasons.

Of course, there was the whole psychological explosion in my mind from the orgasm, which I had never experienced before. I have lived for 49 years, but only now I have tried what people are talking about.
But not just that. I was filled with overwhelming love towards the Chef. Of course, because he is an amazing man, but also because he gave me that experience of “the big one.”
And there was bliss and happiness but also relief that I really HAVE overcome the rape that has defined me most of my life.
Only once before had I let a man tie me down and that was very hard for me because my body was on guard after the rape, and it wasn’t very good. I could feel the anxiety, not in my head, because I trusted Loco, but my body tensed up.

But this time, not only my mind trusted the Chef, but my body was also with me the whole way. It showed my that I really had overcome the rape. And I felt so relieved and happy.

3 years ago, I started dating. Back then I was afraid I couldn’t enjoy sex, that I wouldn’t trust men that I hadn’t known for decades. I even wondered if I could find an impotent man who would be satisfied with cuddling, as my sex drive was non-existent.

I never in a million years would have guessed that not only would I let a man tie me and blindfold me, but also that I should experience an orgasm like that. That I would be able to build up that trust and be able to relax my body so much, that it would be possible. That I would learn to love sex the way I do, that I have become so openminded and free spirited. 

I have come so far, first by myself and now with the help of this extraordinary man, who loves me.

I was full of joy and love and happiness, and I cried. And the Chef just held me in his arms and kissed me and let me get it all out. I wasn’t quite able to explain what happened. I barely knew it myself at that time, I was just overwhelmed. Bursting from love to this wonderful man, who made this happen.

I guess that is the happy ending I never had foreseen as I started my dating journey back in 2019. I would never in a million years have guessed that it would include near-death disease, chlamydia, priests, mythomaniacs, a paranoid schizophrenic boyfriend, cougar-dating and playing with slaves.

It has been a wild and fun. Scary and sad, but sooo enlightening and I feel I have developed immensely from the person I was just 4 years ago. I am glad to be where I am now. With this wonderful man and all the love and fabulous sex that he can handle ;-).

I hope you have enjoyed the journey as well, even if I might have chocked some of you. Our cultures are different, and we have different views on things – especially sex. Nothing is more controversial than sex, even if we all have it.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone. And if I have … frankly, I am not sorry. Sex is great part of our lives and there should be no shame of talking of pleasure and lust and desires. In the contrary. I am proud what I have overcome, even if it meant that I had sex with wrong people. We should all be more open about it and talk to our spouses, partners and lovers of what we like and want.
Life is too short not to enjoy it to the fullest.  

Thank you for reading along! ♥

Thumbnail picture by Ylanite from Pixabay

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