I don’t think I ever had been so much in doubt of what to do.

I could literally feel the tug in my heart, but I didn’t want to open up. It was no good, the age gap was way too big. We were not talking about 5 years. Or 10. We were talking about a 17-year age gap! The same age gap as between me and my own mother.

I was aware that he could be my son. I was aware that he wasn’t born in the same decade as me. In fact, he was being born when I was moving into my first apartment with my ex-husband. We didn’t grow up with the same music, same television shows or movies.

When he admitted that he also was crazy with me, it felt so wonderful. His warmth and affection was reaching out after my heart, and it wanted to embrace it, but I still held back.

My fear was still that he was overwhelmed by our sexual connection, that he at some point would come to his senses and realize that I just am a boring old woman, and within a foreseeable future will get really old. Not just older, but OLD.

I couldn’t deny my own fluttering feelings for him, but I was so afraid to get hurt again.

If I opened up and let him enter my heart, I would be heartbroken when he came to his senses and found out that sexual connection wasn’t everything. When he found out that he rather would have someone more age appropriate, with whom he had more in common. When his family and friends found out about my age and warned him.

No matter how good we were now, in 10 years from now he would turn 42 and would be in the prime of his life and I would be 60. That was a fact.

Could I bear to go through another heartache?

We also had this 50 year birthday to go to. There was a possibility for an overnight stay, but when I saw the rooms, I didn’t want to stay there. If we were going, we were going to have sex, no doubt about that, and that was not an option in these rooms, so I found a small cabin nearby where we could stay. And I booked an extra night.

Biker Dude: “A weekend get away … ? And you are not a couple?” I could hear his amusement.
Me: “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t want to. But damn, I like him …”
Bike Dude: “I know. That’s what I have been saying to you.”
Me: “Yeah, yeah! You are so clever. Mind your own dates, why don’t you!”

But were we in fact a couple? What was this?
A couple of weeks before the birthday party, I finally tried to find some courage. I don’t think I had been so shy since my teenage years, but as we lay there in bed, naked and satisfied, cuddling, I asked him how he wanted me to introduce him, when we met my friends. Thought I was being cunning.

“Am I going to call you the guy I shag, or how should I present you?”

I think he knew what I was trying to ask, but either he was also holding back or maybe he was teasing me, feeling amused by my nervous attempt. I can be courageous, but apparently very timid when it comes to opening up my heart.

I was trying frantically to joke about it, saying that it was just like high school, and I had just slipped him a note with 3 boxes with Yes, No and Maybe.

He laughed and then said that he really much wanted to be my boyfriend (again, this term … at my age) and that he would check off the box with “Yes”.

I remember how conflicted I was at that exact moment. Joy and love were sipping through the cracks of my heart, but I also felt the fear creeping up on me. Lying there in his arms, smelling his scent and nuzzling into his delicious warm and soft skin. I was so happy, but also afraid.

How long would this last? Would he end up coming to his senses? And when would that happen? Would my heart break again, and this time even worse, because … 

The entire time with the Bodyguard, I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t throwing my heart 100% in, because things weren’t right. I had a shield up, both rationally and with my heart. I protected myself. And still … that hurt like hell! I still fell in love with him despite all my intentions not to.

If this man, whom I was falling for now, was as nice and decent and sweet and fun, as it seemed, was to open me up 100% without the shields … Safe to say, that I was scared sh*tless. This would hurt like hell. And still, I was beating myself up because I couldn't let it go. Why couldn't I just let it happen?

But there were a million things that could go wrong. Our families, especially his, could have strong opinions on the matter, his friends could also have a say. Which was fair! How could they think that I was serious? They would also be able to see upcoming issues. Would they think that he was wasting his life? What would they think of me? That I knowingly would give him heartache in a foreseable future?

There was also this physical distance between us, which could not be changed for the next many years. He was not moveable because of his network and kids, and I am not going to move neither until my daughter had finished her school and was going off to college. He would get tired of driving to my house every other week, because with the limited privacy in his house, my house was a better option. Besides, our sex is not quiet. ;-)

And of course the not so quiet elephant in the room which was the age gap.

Not just the response from our surroundings. I could handle that, but MY age. His wasn’t the issue, but mine was. I WILL get weaker. I will at some point loose my interest in sex or at least it will change, while he still is in his prime.

I was so, so torn. And so, so in love. And so, so scared. I talked to friends and family about it, trying to figure out what to do. And they pretty much all said the same. If it feels right, then go for it.

My sister said:
“If the president of France can do this, then so can you!” (His wife is 24 years older)

I talked to my mother:
Me: “What if he finds someone his own age and then just dumps me?”
And she said: “Yes, and what if you do?”

I talked to one of my friends:
“What if he switches me for a younger model at some point?”
And she said: “Yes, or maybe you do!” (knowing about my cougar-dating)

Here we were … we had checked out the “Yes” box on our little piece of paper, venturing out on a road which was very uncertain, and I was still very much in doubt of this was the right thing to do. Or … no, I wasn’t in doubt that it was impractical and “wrong” for so many reasons, but my heart kept pulling in that direction. How could it not?

My sister and I - who have been single at the same time - talked about "The Unicorn". A man consisting of all the traits we liked from the various men we had dated. And I said to her that the Chef was damn close to be my Unicorn. Except for the obvious thing. "Then why are you even in doubt?" she asked, and I couldn't give her an answer.

Finally, I decided I wanted to wait after the birthday-party to get my feelings under control. Somehow I believed that this weekend would clarify everything for me. 

Maybe we couldn’t even figure out to spend a whole weekend with each other. Maybe we would run out of things to say. Maybe we would bore each other, maybe he would get extremely drunk and embarrassing at the party (I had never seen him consume alcohol) or maybe I would notice the stares from the other guests, which would make me uncomfortable. Maybe he would find me awkward and undesirable after spending more time with me. Especially together with others. I am not very good socially. There were many things that could go wrong.