This post serves as a summary of the first gospel (The Holy Book of Lasagna) of the book The New Testament of the Flying Spaghetti Monster — Dinner 2.0 by Violet Johnson, which happened to be near the top of the "suggestions" right side panel when I was searching for books on Android app development and Kotlin, of all things. Of course, I could not resist the opportunity to read it. There is obviously a lot more to the books of the New Testament (over three hundred pages in total) than I have set down here, but this should do for a start. If you like this post, I highly recommend you find a copy of the New Testament for yourself.

The Unitarian Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, as depicted on the cover of The New Testament

Forward

"I want to tell you that I was divinely inspired to write this book, but that is not technically true. Originally, I was hired to dictate it. It was just a job. The FSM sat there ranting about gods He liked and those who had crossed Him, or what He wanted His commandments to be, and I recorded it all on my computer to be typed up later.

"Yet over the months that it took to put this bible together, I became really fond of Him. He would flail His noodly appendages about as He talked and get spaghetti sauce on my carpet, and I would listen with rapt attention to His stories. He’s enthralling.

"This started as a job, but that’s not how it ended up. I consider the FSM to be my personal god now. He converted me as He talked, and I must say, my life is better for it. I never thought of myself as the sort of person who would worship a god (let alone a god made of noodles and sauce.) Yet now, I do. He really is the best god there has ever been, and The Supreme Carbohydrate on which I base my life.

"All glory to his Noodliness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster! He is the light in the darkness and the path in the woods! He is love, compassion, and truth! There are other gods, but He is the most delicious! Craigslist brought us together, but none shall tear us apart.

"All glory to the FSM, R’amen!"
— Violet Johnson

The Holy Book of Lasagna; Introduction to the Church

"The Unitarian Church of Pasta is based on the words of His Noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster (or The FSM for short.) It is an inclusive text that seeks to embrace all people, no matter what gods they follow or what they already believe. Pastafarianism is meant to be added to the life you already live, and does not seek to take anything away from you."
— Ibid

Regardless of what you believe about life, the universe and everything, there may be things in this bible that the author and the FSM hope you find both comforting and useful.

"This New Testament of Pastafarianism was deemed necessary by our Divine Carbohydrate after there were some misunderstandings about His previous attempts to inspire humans, or call them to action. The words within this book are meant to set the record straight on what is His will, but they are in no way combative against the original church. The FSM is not the first god to end up clarifying things later on, and He hopes that all those who were already Pastafarian will appreciate His words here as much as they appreciated what came before."

Now is the time to open one's heart and mind to the ways and wisdom of His Noodliness, that you may be enlightened in the ways and by the wisdom of Pastafarianism, which is for everyone. It is perfectly understandable that you may be skeptical or suspicious of the FSM and his New Testament, but all you need do is give Him and His word a chance.

At first, people are inclined to believe that they will not be touched by His Noodly Appendage, but they may be surprised and in awe when they learn just how irresistibly delicious He really is.

The History of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

"The Flying Spaghetti Monster began as a being of pure energy, and has existed since the Big Bang. At first, He lived among the planets and danced with the stars in the vacuum of space. He had many adventures in the galaxies of our ever-expanding universe, and He was happy.

"However, when He saw Earth and the life evolving there, He fell in love with it! No other planet had ever caught His eye. Yet, Earth was so beautiful and complex that He decided to stay. He wanted to use His immense power to help Earthlings in whatever way He could.

"There were five major extinction events before the Holocene extinction (which is happening now.) The Flying Spaghetti Monster wept huge tears of pasta sauce during all of them, and the sauce fell upon the Earth. He is invested in the species of this planet and their well-being. It should be noted that He is not like other gods who only care for humans. The Flying Spaghetti Monster cares for all creatures that fly or crawl or walk on the Earth. He loves all the animals in the ocean as well. He secretly favors turtles, but that is neither here nor there."

"For much of the 4.5 billion years that the Earth has existed, The Flying Spaghetti Monster chose not to take corporeal form. He simply acted upon the world in His natural state, as a being of energy. However, it became clear to Him over time that the only gods who got any respect had bodies. It was for this reason that The Flying Spaghetti Monster finally came to us in the flesh (or, rather, in the pasta.)

As many people may know, the FSM first revealed Himself to a human several or so years ago, when He helped someone in Kansas raise an objection to the teaching of Christian “creationism” in schools. (If the Christian creation myth was to be taught, it was argued, so must other religious views, including Pastafarianism.)

"That was the first time that The Flying Spaghetti Monster ever altered the course of human events directly. However, since then, He has put his Noodly Appendages into a lot more pies. If you have seen a news article about a human with a colander on his head, then you have seen evidence of The Flying Spaghetti Monster emerging in culture.

"Since His Noodliness has chosen to be pasta and sauce, it has become a sort of prayer to Him each time you enjoy pasta. Therefore, please remember the next time that you eat a lasagna, manicotti, or a bowl of ziti that it is in His name that all pasta is consumed since the moment that He became a god of pasta and sauce. In a way, nearly everyone has already prayed to Him — they just didn’t know it."

"Like most religions, Pastafarianism has sects within it. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is largely okay with this. He would prefer that everyone agreed, but He understands that this may not be possible. [...] The only goal of the FSM is to help humans and other life on Earth, and He does not want to offend or upset anyone.

1. Unitarians

The New Testament is meant as a foundation document and guide to the sect of The Unitarian Church of Pastafarianism.

"This New Testament is presented with all due respect to the people who came before. His Noodliness may have wanted a New Testament written, but it should never be implied that this New Testament is meant to set aside other sects. All followers of pasta are loved by His Noodliness."

2. Pirates

"The Pirate Sect of Pastafarianism is fun [and whimsical], and The Flying Spaghetti Monster wants it known that He enjoys His pirate followers immensely! He is in no way opposed to people dressing up as pirates, as it was the funny example used in the letter to the Kansas school board. However, His Noodliness has struggled with the way some people act when dressed as pirates. In particular, He does not like the way they call women “wenches” and occasionally act disrespectful. This was never the intention of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. He enjoys women as people; not as objects. Of course, not all pirates do this, but enough have done so that it came to His attention.

"In addition, He objects to the depiction of Heaven as a place filled with strippers and beer volcanos. That is not what He said at all, and He really doesn’t want people to make Heaven out to be a place that is exclusionary. Everyone should feel welcome in Heaven, even people who prefer a nice glace [sic] of Scotch and companions who[m] are not paid to be around them."

3. The Skeptics

"The last branch of Pastafarianism is The Skeptics. These are Atheists who do not believe in any gods at all [and pantheists whom do not have a need for religion], but they want a way to challenge the established religion in their country.

"For Example: A person in Pakistan must be Muslim because it is the state religion and it is enforced by the religious police. However, it is possible that a person born in Pakistan may not want to be Muslim. The established authority is not likely to allow the idea of Nothing to shove their religion aside. Therefore, the person will claim to follow The Flying Spaghetti Monster in order to challenge Something with Something Else.

"It should be noted that The Satanic Temple does the same thing. They are a group of skeptics who do not believe in any gods at all (and they certainly don’t believe in the devil.) They simply use that idea to challenge the establishment.

"The Flying Spaghetti Monster supports this. He is happy for you to use His name to keep other religions from having too much power. The Skeptics do not have to truly believe in Him to receive His love, or His pasta. The FSM loves and supports the work that skeptics worldwide are doing, and He thinks it is noble work. Religion should be a private thing, and He supports it not being pushed into schools and governments.

"The skeptics are the ones who tend to wear colanders on their heads, and He thinks that is adorable! It wasn’t His idea, but it is just another example of how humans sometimes decide to do something in His name, and it is awesome. No one is expected to wear a colander. In fact, he thinks a subtle pasta necklace or a small tattoo would really be easier. Mostly He hopes there will come a time when others can recognize a Pastafarian by their kindness and rational thought, without the need for any symbol at all. But humans will be humans, and He won’t discourage you from expressing yourselves however you like."

Values

Pastafarians have five core principles/values, which are to be upheld above all else and serve a "Collective Purpose":

• Science: We value the pursuit of knowledge.
• Education: We value the sharing of knowledge.
• Peace: We value an emphasis on diplomacy and conversation over war.
• Freedom: We strive for a significant percentage of life free of toil or confinement, and with access to food, shelter, and healthcare. The same goes for the freedom to believe (or not) whatever we choose.
• Beauty: We value the creation of art, music, literature, and shared public spaces.

"The Flying Spaghetti Monster has pointed out the five main values to us, but if we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we always knew them. This fact is something that humans don't talk about as much as we should. If we are honest, we understand that there are things we know deep down. The Flying Spaghetti Monster wants us to acknowledge those things, so that we can move forwards as a species."

Thumbnail image: Poster's own artwork