I've been against anti-natalism since I learned the term existed.

But here, at my worst, overwhelmed and tired and putting out the billionth fire that has come at me this week, I'm left wondering if David Benatar is right to say that we'd all have been better off having not come into existence - that we deceive ourselves into thinking that our lives are going well when in actuality we've just adapted to really low standards for what constitutes a good quality of life. 

After getting little sleep and forgetting to eat the whole day, after working 12 hours and still feeling behind, after trying to fix everything wrong and still finding new obstacles thrown my way, I'm left wondering if there will ever be a time when any of us will find true peace and freedom from the stresses and anxieties and pains of life. 

Not to mention that I'm constantly left wondering: What am I doing all this for? To climb up in my field so I can...what? do more work? Then what? What am I trying to achieve? What are we all trying to achieve? What's the end goal here for any of us? 

All those things that I'm working for... I know people who have them already and they're still not happy. They're still not at peace and they're still not free from pain and stress and grief. In fact, they're more anxious and stressed out than I am.

Even those of us who feel like we're making contributions to the world - what are these contributions all for?  Again, what's the end goal? To make existence as painless as possible until we all die? To make existence as painless as possible for future generations until they all die? Why not just spare them the pain to begin with? 

It really does suck that we exist. And it's too late to not exist, because now that we exist, we have attachments and responsibilities and an interest in living and we can't undo our existence. It's too late. 

It's like watching a show that everyone tells you to watch and you're not into it but you keep watching because you think "there has to be a reason everyone loves it... I'll just keep watching.. maybe it'll get better" but it never does, but you can't stop watching now because you've already wasted so much time watching it that you might as well see it through until its natural conclusion.   

So, yes, on days like this, I am left wondering about whether I, too, am an anti-natalist. 

On days like this, I'm left wondering: Why would I ever want to expose any more people to this terrible show?