In my time ..., that is what my father used to say very often, although I could never understand what he meant, not even now when years have passed since I heard them for the first time and my times have also passed, not even today that I spend my Afternoons sitting in a rocking chair by the window watching the grass grow while I longingly remember how things used to be better in my days, even today I still don't understand what my father meant when he told me in my time

The years have passed since I was young, then we were certain that we were the wisest beings, that we were wrong, I have needed several decades on top of me to realize it, because it is not until now that death is about from ringing my bell that I realize that I do not know what wisdom is, oh what an unfair life, it is not until it is about to end that we are intelligent enough to really want to know, it is not until we feel the final that we want to start living, what I would give because my body rejuvenated and be able to live at twenty as if I had lived ninety, how stupid we are, how stupid I still am
Several decades ago, the most valuable thing a person had was time, of course we longed for power and money, but we did not have that blindfold that prevented us from seeing that what will really be worth after the clock has been turned several times. it will be time itself. Although we did not have a way to calculate when time passed, it was not important, because we did not have that vital need to capture the time on our wrists, we simply took care of it, I remember how my father used to calculate how much time had passed since he had gotten up , I do not forget my father leaving the house every time he wanted to know the time, he went out to the field and looked at the sky, there was nothing else, even so, always precise, always knew when it was time to eat, sleep and many others activities that he did monotonously every day of his life as a routine, nowadays none of that matters anymore, we have become accustomed to everything and nothing, we have everything and we adjust to it, we let ourselves be absorbed by what surrounds us and what that we think is important, and we see it normal to lose the most valuable in meaningless things. It is hard for me to remember the exact moment when the internet came into our lives, it was not a bomb that suddenly changed everything, all I know is that one day there was nothing and the next it was all there as something natural, as if it had been there since creation, we all acted and handled it as if it were, as if God on the eighth day had said that it was the internet and Adam and Eve had tried to hide their sin on Facebook. We have become accustomed to sudden changes such as the telephone or television in such a way that now we find it marks a dividing line from before technology and d.t.

If there is a truth that I have learned by wandering thousands of days on this earth, it is that time continues without waiting for anyone, how much I wish it were not that way, how much I wish I could learn and continue living a thousand experiences while keeping my youth. I remember the words my father used to say, when he got philosophical "run, the train is going to leave you", how right I thought I was, what I didn't know at that time was that by that time the train had already left me a long time ago, but how could I know if not even my father knew that cruel reality, not even he had been told that the train had already left us behind

I have heard many people who tend to affirm without stopping to think that today's youth often waste time doing nonsensical things in every moment they have free, many people who do not remember that they have also wasted the time that they still continue wasting time. Perhaps it is because like most things that has also evolved and now they call it with sophisticated words like procrastinate, which are nothing more than euphemisms, nicer ways of saying wasting time. Now they alarm us simply by putting children and the internet together in the same sentence along with hundreds of nonsense that have been invented, but nobody talks about the hours we spent next to the radio when that was the last thing, nobody talks about how we We were also demonized for loving the last thing that had come out of our parents. I faithfully believe that life never changes, children will always be children, simply because, yes, mischief will always be the same antics that make us angry, because life will always be the same life, even if they make up with nice words

In my mind there is still the memory of when I was just a girl, I remember how I liked to go to the town square for a walk, while I saw those older people, sitting there on those cold benches, letting the sun fall on them practically crushing them, while they monotonously threw bread to the pigeons that were near them, defeated, I remember promising myself that I would never come to that, that I would never give up because my young spirit still had faith, faith in a decaying humanity, I believed that we could achieve more, when you give up it is because you have lost something, something that humanity has taken from you, I believed that I could not lose anything important enough to end me. Today I enjoy walking through the same square, although today those old people who sat feeding pigeons defeated and disappointed by life no longer exist, now the square is covered by a fog of loneliness, this was not the victory that I had imagined, without realizing it, we already gave up, we lost faith

One of the greatest beliefs that people have, is about the identity of people, we believe that it is something essential but that we only have once in our life, this according to the belief would be reached at the peak of adolescence, people usually make mistakes very often; I remember that it happened to me when I was twelve years old, for everyone I was just a girl, because they only saw the age that was written on paper, what they did not know is that girls also have the ability to see, too We listened, we could also understand what was happening around us, it was at that age, when I was just a child, that I realized that an identity was not needed, much less a purpose to live, many die without them

It was a Mars I do not remember what month, when the ring that made the huge rotary phone broke the silence, my mother ran out of the kitchen where she was most of the time cleaning her hands with the help of her apron, while muttering curses because the noise had cut it off. She picked up the phone while she put her index finger to her mouth trying to stop the slight bleeding and remained silent, for a few seconds she just remained silent, while nodding her head oblivious to the fact that whoever was on the other side of the phone had no the ability to see her, finally, he said "tomorrow at noon we will be there" and hung up. He turned around to look into my eyes, they were red, as if he had irrepressible gray hair from crying, then without saying anything he turned around and went back to the kitchen where he would remain the rest of the day, at a distance I could hear her sob and cry, but never go into the kitchen, that was not the relationship I had with my mother, that was not the relationship we had in my time
The day that came after Tuesday when my mother received that peculiar call, it was even more strange, my mother had got up very early just to get ready for me a black dress which she left on my bed. Without knowing what was happening, because the girls weren't told anything, I went out with my mother hand in hand, it was noon, I knew it because the sun was at the highest point. At that time I did not use to see my father much because he always came and went in a different job

As my mother had said at noon the next day after receiving the call, we were sitting in the chairs in front of the small chapel that was nearby, in front of everything they had located a coffin, I will never know who was inside, maybe it wasn't relevant. Despite the large number of people who had attended, no one was crying, as if no one regretted not seeing who had left again. That day I realized that that was not what I wanted for me, that was not the way I wanted to be remembered, we all want to be transcendent in this life, but what sense will be here, but what does it do? missing to be transcendent, perhaps no one ever managed to answer that question. That day I left the little chapel with something clear, I would spend every day of my life trying to leave a mark on the world, I didn't care what that mark was, but it had to be something that would make everyone cry inconsolably at my funeral.
After the chapel we returned home, without any other stop, after we entered my mother changed and returned to the kitchen, life quickly resumed its natural course, it was as if instead of going to a small chapel to hypocritically wish her the eternal rest to a person x, I would have been listening to music on the radio all day, but life could not go on, at least not for me, I was not willing to allow life to absorb me

So despite my young age, I made the decision to go for a walk alone around the area, in those days we lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere, so while I was walking alone through nature without realizing it I went into the forest Even so, I kept walking without looking back, the only thing that occupied my mind was the idea of ​​leaving a mark on the world

Like most of the experiences I have lived, what happened that night I blocked it over the years I blocked it over the years as if it had not really happened, over the years I forgot the lesson the most important thing in my life that I had learned during the two days that I was trapped in that forest from which I only managed to get out praying and with my head bowed

It took me many years to understand that I don't really need to be someone memorable, much less do I need many people to cry inconsolably at my funeral, that will not change anything and much less will it change what I have had to live, when I leave it will not matter what Let the people who are still here think about me, the only thing that matters is what I do on this earth because it will not change how much you want to be here
No one had told me that this lesson should be learned, no one told me that this was a correct lesson, I simply took it for myself, because no one had told me before that not all the lessons that we think we got to me should be taken literally, but I did so and I lived the rest of my life
In these days when nobody even remembers what a real square should look like, I like to go there even though it is abandoned, I like to find a bench in the center and I start throwing bread into the air, from time to time a

In these days when no one even remembers what a square was, I go there, look for a bench and start throwing bread into the air, from time to time the odd pigeon comes to eat and that's when I realize that I'm defeated, because in my time you could not wait for more, because my times were not better, or maybe yes, only in my time I did not know how to live and now defeated and crushed by the sunlight, I do not know how to start living