This is my first post because I feel as if it's something worth writing about - something important; not just to me, but to everyone out there.

I have been in some horrendous relationships during my life and I am thankful for those experiences. I am thankful for the relationships that failed. I am thankful that I was cheated on by those partners I am no longer with, and I am thankful for what I have today. It may seem bizarre that one can be thankful for heartbreak - but I am a better person for it. Heartbreak taught me how to love with every fibre of my being.

Let's start at the beginning.

I was an overweight child - a young girl who was tormented and abused. My weight grew proportionally with my depression and eventually it went the opposite way. I stopped eating altogether, lost a lot of weight and ended up being hospitalized. Skip further on to my first "relationship"...

I was 19 and never had a relationship, never had a boyfriend - then I met my "first love". I say it like that because he wasn't - but I thought he was. He was 38 and I felt like he set my world on fire. I've never been remotely attracted to people my own age. Their immaturity and lack of ability to understand life after all I had been through by that stage already - I had nothing in common with them. This man was always a gentleman to me, he never treated me any way, other than like a lady (while we were together). We had been together for a few weeks and by then my parents had already established a distinct dislike for him. When I mentioned his name, or that we were going to have coffee together, there was always a disagreement, a fight, an unpleasant scene that ended in an argument. 

To give you some perspective, by the time I was 19 I was running my own business - I was an entrepreneur. I had worked hard as a teenager, saved up money, done well in school despite everything that went wrong in my life and a difficult home life. I was a responsible young woman who never got drunk, never behaved in a way that put me at risk, I had a good head on my shoulders despite being very young. 

One day he told me that he was going to be moving away to pursue another job. I was devastated but I was quite happy to make sure that we had a long distance relationship and I supported his decision to follow his dream. That was September that year. The final morning together he took me to the beach where we drank wine as the sun rose after his night shift. We had our first kiss. A beautiful kiss. My first kiss. There was electricity flowing through us when we held hands, my heart felt like it was going to explode with joy and sadness. It was a brief kiss that turned my world upside down and made me feel like I was sitting on one of the clouds in front of us. We walked back to my home where he hugged me goodbye and gave me a kiss on the forehead. That afternoon he sent me the message that he was leaving in 5 minutes and that he would message me when he got to his new house safely. 

He became distant over the next few months. 

It was February the 13th and my mind was in turmoil because the time between us speaking had gotten more and more - from hours, to days and then 2 weeks without so much as a "good morning". Until I received his text message that will forever be burned into my heart:

I've fallen hopelessly in love with the most amazing woman, we can't talk anymore.

I couldn't catch my breath, I was too scared to start crying because if I did, I didn't think I would be able to stop. I couldn't speak to my parents about it, because if I did - all I would get is I told you so. I had no friends that I could confide in. I was more alone than I had ever been. I sat with my dog in the corner of the garden when everyone had gone to sleep that night and I cried. I let it all out. I swore I would never let anyone hurt me like that again. I would never let anyone close to me again.

The next 3 months are a blur - other than my professional life. I did well with my business. I do remember hating every place I drove - we had been everywhere together, and every corner was a reminder of what I no longer had and how badly he had hurt me. 

Why wasn't I good enough? What made her the most amazing woman, that I didn't have?

I changed careers and made an attempt at living my passion, I met someone who I dated for 6 months. It was doomed to fail before it begun, I wasn't in the right mental space. Don't get me wrong, we had beautiful times together. He wanted more than I was prepared to give him - I didn't want to sleep with him, I didn't feel like he was the one and I was still hurting from the break up. I came home early one day (to his house) to surprise him with cooking us dinner. I saw an unknown vehicle in the driveway but walked inside anyway. I heard noise coming from the bedroom - yes, thattype of noise. I opened the door and saw a woman on top of him, doing the deed.

"What the F***K?" was all I managed to gulp out. 

His reply? "Well you didn't want to."

You know what? She continued to ride him as I stood there. I must admit, I was more heartbroken at the text from the "first love" than from that incident. I walked out and that was it.

I ended up in another relationship after that which lasted just over a year. That was a non-starter as well. It was a relationship of convenience and he was on a rebound of sorts after his divorce. He wanted the perfect housewife, the woman who would take care of all his needs - and I wanted a home. I lived in denial for the duration of that relationship, knowing in my heart it would never work. Somehow we still ended up engaged after about 5 months of dating. Part of me had thought that one should just accept whatever is "okay". After all, nothing was wrong. We were "compatible". Maybe that's just what life is about?

One day I met someone at work. His blue eyes melted my heart as he smiled at me. His laugh was infectious and he was so pure. So innocent. So handsome. So intelligent. I got a flutter of excitement when I saw him - excitement in my head, heart and down South. 

We fell in love and that was when I realized the meaning of true love. Being in love. That was 7 years ago. Today I have the love of someone who treats me the way anyone would dream of being treasured. These 7 years haven't always been easy (life is just life), we both know what we have and what we are to each other. For all those nights I used to cry myself to sleep and wish that my life was different - today it's different. 

You will know when it's different. I did.

Don't accept feeling okay. Don't accept convenience. 

You are worth so much more and that person will find you. Your person, you will know. 

You will know because when you wake up in the morning you will feel as though you have a reason to get up. You will feel like no matter how bad your day has been - you have your person, and they have you.