Has it ever happened to you that, after receiving criticism from others, once the moment had passed, you were left with an even harsher voice inside your own head? Sometimes, the toughest judge isn’t a colleague, a partner, or a friend… but ourselves.
In the previous article we discussed external criticism and how we can turn it into fuel for growth. Today we go one step deeper: what do we do when the critic is our own inner voice?
Where does the inner critic come from?
Psychology explains that the inner critical voice is shaped in childhood, when we internalise the messages of parents, teachers, or authority figures. If you often heard phrases like “that’s not good enough”, “you could have done better” or “don’t compare yourself with others”, it’s likely those words took root and transformed into an automatic mechanism.
That voice has a (distorted) intention to protect you: “if I criticise you before others do, you’ll be prepared and won’t be rejected.” The problem is that, instead of protecting, it keeps us stuck in self-censorship and lack of confidence.
How does it manifest?
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You often tell yourself you’re not good enough.
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You sabotage your successes by minimising them: “anyone could have done that.”
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You constantly compare yourself to others, always to your disadvantage.
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You postpone decisions for fear of making mistakes.
The inner critic resembles a strict teacher who is never satisfied.
A real-life example
I once heard someone share a simple story: “I received a compliment for a presentation at work. Everyone said it was clear and useful. Instead of enjoying it, my first thought was: ‘I spoke too fast, I must have bored some of them.’ I realised that no one judged me as harshly as I judged myself.”
This clearly shows how the inner critic can distort reality and steal joy even from good moments.
What can we do?
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Awareness. The first step is to notice the critical voice. Try writing down the harsh thoughts you tell yourself. You’ll see how exaggerated they are.
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Separating identity. Understand that this voice is not you. It’s an internalised mechanism. You can see it as a separate character.
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Inner dialogue. Instead of silencing the voice, ask it: “What are you trying to protect?” Often, the inner critic hides a fear of failure or rejection.
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Introduce the friend’s voice. Imagine what you’d say to a dear friend in the same situation. Would you say “you’re weak and incapable”? Probably not. That warm voice needs to be directed towards yourself.
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Reframing. Change the message: from “you’re not good enough” to “you’re still learning, and that’s normal.”
From psychology: the concept of “self-compassion”
Psychologist Kristin Neff has studied self-compassion extensively and discovered that people who respond to themselves with kindness instead of criticism are more motivated, more resilient, and emotionally healthier.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean victimisation or complacency, but recognising that mistakes are a natural part of growth.
A challenge for you
Next time your inner critic appears, don’t rush to silence it. Listen, but then ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend in my place?”
Write that reply on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself. You’ll notice how your inner tone slowly begins to change.
